Husband doesn’t see what I do as a contribution

[summervibes26]

Myself and my husband haven’t been getting on well lately. There is a few factors but mainly I feel I’m responsible for the majority of the mental load of everything whilst working part time and whilst he does help out around the house and with the kids ect I feel it’s me who sorts most things out. When I address this the answer I get is I work I don’t have time or I forgot. If I push back I’m told you never forget anything cos you’re perfect aren’t you.
I’m hearing this more and more. It came to a head a few years ago and he claimed he’d get checked by a doctor as he’s struggling with memory ect. It got better for a while and he started using notebooks and diaries to keep track.
An example is our daughter has her birthday this week and not once has he said to me what are we getting for dds birthday (I’ve already picked up her gifts) instead he’s going away this weekend and I’ve heard about the stuff he needs to do before he goes away which he managed to find time for.
I purchased a birthday gift for a family member on his side, left a card and gift wrap there and 4 weeks on he still hasn’t dropped the gift over despite living local.
I snapped this morning though when he was making the kids lunches and went to put a granola in their lunch which contains nuts despite me telling him he can’t give them this granola in school (no nuts policy) only two days ago when he sent them into school with the same granola.
I highlighted how I’m sick of having to remind him of the most simplist things ect. He has access to the same information I have regarding the school policy.
He then said if it wasn’t for his money (earnings) we wouldn’t have this house ect . The last year or so Ive had countless of comments similar to that extent. He earns twice as much as me but before we had kids we were on similar salaries which funnily enough got us our mortgage. I’m happy to do more around the house being part time hence the buying of gifts for his side of the family as that was the agreement we had when he took the job which would entail longer hours for him and occasionally working into the evening/weekends when he’s home and I wanted to be home with the kids more. He said I can’t have it every way but all I’m looking for is for him to remember simple things and try take an interest in stuff.
There’s a lot of stuff I can probably move on from but it’s the bit of being reminded how he earns more and how our life wouldn’t be possible if it wasn’t for his earnings that really gets me.

Goodness you don't like being asked to explain your opinions, do you?

The mundane jobs of parenting usually sit with the mum, it’s just the way it is. Mum’s are great at getting the logistics of family life done, the correct way and on time. I use my DH skill’s for cooking a few dinners a week and ferrying the kids places.

Fuck that. No element of parenting requires specific genitalia (once conceiving, growing and giving birth and breastfeeding are done). My DH’s cock doesn’t get in the way of his making phone calls to school, buying gifts for his family or updating the family calendar with DC’s appts. My vagina doesn’t imbue me with responsibility for project managing domestic activities. Stop apologising for shitty men.

“Our life wouldn’t be possible if it wasn’t for his earnings”
His earnings would not be possible if you weren’t looking after and raising his children and keeping his house for him.
you make these earnings happen as much as as he does.

If you’re doing 30 hours over 3 days then you’re working pretty hard. That said, you have 2 days to yourself when the DCs are at school so i would expect you to bear the vast majority of the mental load in those circumstances. After all, isn’t that the justification for not working on those days?

I don’t agree that you staying at home makes his earnings possible. There are plenty of families where both parents work full time, particularly once the children are in school. You staying at home means there’s no need to pay for childcare but that’s a different point. We had au pairs once both DDs were in primary school but it was much easier then as we were still in the EU (this was a long time ago).

Hang on. What are you classing as full time? Because if adding 1/3 to your wages (40 hour week?) leaves a £15k gap, and he earns twice what you do, he can’t be that high an earner.

YANBU about nearly all of it. He sounds awful and incredibly lazy.

30 hours is pretty close to full time anyway, or not that far off.

I don’t think it takes three people to collect a dress though- he’d surely be of more use looking after the other children.

Buy him this.
Tell him to read and inwardly digest.

Then get a grip of himself and start doing his part. Shape up or ship out.

Who Cooked Adam Smith's Dinner? A Story About Women and Economics by Katrine Marçal | Goodreads

Does it really need to be said again? If OPs contribution was costed..it would be overwhelmingly more than the value her DH brings…she is keeping him not the other way around

perhaps everyone on this thread needs to read Who Cooked Adam Smith's Dinner...

(spoiler alert: he never married afaik. It was his mum. She did EVERYTHING household related so he had time to think Important Manly Thoughts)

Isn’t the dress issue more likely to be around being together as his daughter tries it on for the first time?

….presumably wear ear plugs when her husband speaks so rudely to her too? Why on earth would someone endure that?

that is bonkers though. He clearly doesn't care about it. Just let the dress thing go.

Presumably he'll see her in it when she makes her first Communion though?
And (I'm not a Christian) isn't the religious aspect of Communion more important than what you wear?

I'd say it was unusual for men to get excited about their daughter's dresses.
Wedding dress shopping, for example, has never been an event where the father of the bride was expected to play any part other than potentially paying for the chosen dress.

Even if they do all the household management and so you have to do very little for your children? Or are they not your concern?

And he wouldn't be living in that house without her contribution

I agree with a PP who suggested you call his bluff.

You obviously contribute to the house/family, you may well contribute more if you cost it out fully. However, you’ve also carried him or enabled him on the family front so he won’t think about birthdays etc.

This - you work p/t, he has a demanding job of course he will forget the more mundane jobs, you can remind him.