Husband doesn’t see what I do as a contribution

[summervibes26]

Myself and my husband haven’t been getting on well lately. There is a few factors but mainly I feel I’m responsible for the majority of the mental load of everything whilst working part time and whilst he does help out around the house and with the kids ect I feel it’s me who sorts most things out. When I address this the answer I get is I work I don’t have time or I forgot. If I push back I’m told you never forget anything cos you’re perfect aren’t you.
I’m hearing this more and more. It came to a head a few years ago and he claimed he’d get checked by a doctor as he’s struggling with memory ect. It got better for a while and he started using notebooks and diaries to keep track.
An example is our daughter has her birthday this week and not once has he said to me what are we getting for dds birthday (I’ve already picked up her gifts) instead he’s going away this weekend and I’ve heard about the stuff he needs to do before he goes away which he managed to find time for.
I purchased a birthday gift for a family member on his side, left a card and gift wrap there and 4 weeks on he still hasn’t dropped the gift over despite living local.
I snapped this morning though when he was making the kids lunches and went to put a granola in their lunch which contains nuts despite me telling him he can’t give them this granola in school (no nuts policy) only two days ago when he sent them into school with the same granola.
I highlighted how I’m sick of having to remind him of the most simplist things ect. He has access to the same information I have regarding the school policy.
He then said if it wasn’t for his money (earnings) we wouldn’t have this house ect . The last year or so Ive had countless of comments similar to that extent. He earns twice as much as me but before we had kids we were on similar salaries which funnily enough got us our mortgage. I’m happy to do more around the house being part time hence the buying of gifts for his side of the family as that was the agreement we had when he took the job which would entail longer hours for him and occasionally working into the evening/weekends when he’s home and I wanted to be home with the kids more. He said I can’t have it every way but all I’m looking for is for him to remember simple things and try take an interest in stuff.
There’s a lot of stuff I can probably move on from but it’s the bit of being reminded how he earns more and how our life wouldn’t be possible if it wasn’t for his earnings that really gets me.

It sounds like both of you are playing who has the worst life. You are disappointed with his contributions he then feels he needs to act superior to dispel your dissatisfaction.

You could try having a heart to heart and working out how to be a team if you think he’s up for it.

or you need to accept you can’t change him you can only change you. Drop anything for his family/friends and stop caring how it looks. Drop anything house jobs you don’t care about or can live without not being done he will do them if it bothers him. If he’s responsible for something don’t remind him/ critique him. Leave him to sort it. Make sure you get some time for your self and enjoy it.

He thinks being the main breadwinner is fulfilling his role as husband and father and you should be on your hands and knees being eternally grateful. Everything else falls on you and he’s sick of you not recognising he is king in your marriage and you’re just the maid who is responsible for running his household, looking after his children etc. He thinks you have it easy in comparison to him and resents you when you expect him to remember or care about granola bars or presents as it’s beneath him.

Eh, he cannot be forced to take the children, unfortunately.
He may be forced to pay.
I understand the work and mental load of the OP, however, speaking for myself, I would massively resent keeping another able bodied adult "afloat", if they earned three times less than myself.
Sorry.

It can be easier if you divide up the jobs completely so that you have separate responsibilities. One person deals with laundry and another one with food shopping and cooking kind of thing. If you are partially responsible it is easy to forget and get in a muddle.

I've had similar with my DH and it has got better over the years. The crucial thing here is to remind him that you wouldn't have that life style if it wasn't for YOU, too! Your childcare and housework enables him to work full time knowing that stuff is taken care of. It almost used to feel like a competition. Once we started being like a team playing different positions, things got better. Once we started thanking each other for what each other did, it really improved. My DS16 has learned this and thanks both of us for meals, lifts etc

Sorry but it seems to me like you're creating problems. Why on earth would all 3 of you need to go to a shop just to pick up something you've ordered which you're going to be taking home anyway?!

I don't know how you think the rest of us manage?

But if you don't want to go back full time, then either get ready and leave him or just drop the stuff you don't need to do for you and the DC?

Buying gifts for his family? nope
Washing, ironing, cooking for him? nope (this is a kind of strike... so be prepared to do it fully or not at all) Then when he notices tell him how much (or none) of this stuff you are prepared to do in the future

Etc etc. He is a grown man with a job. Does he forget the boring details at work?

I'd stop buying g the Granola bars then he can't send them in. I'd also not buy gifts for his distant relatives but would buy for mil, sil/bil and nephews/nieces if they were nice people.

Honestly go back to work full time and let him pay for the au pair.
he’ll soon be begging you to go back to part time. These people do not get it! Just becuase you’re not getting paid doesn’t mean you are not contributing! And this is why childcare professionals are also not taken seriously. It’s a job that should be respected as much as any other.
let him learn, let him find the au pair. You go back to work. Be petty.

I dont think there is any need for both of them / all 3 of them to collect the dress.

I think @summervibes26 is talking about a general pattern of him lacking interest in family events, perhaps? That is how read it.

Well then remind him that without your flexibility he wouldn't be able to do his job.

Ask him how he'd manage without you there? How would he manage child care, after school clubs etc.

In my experience nothing will change until you drop the rope. Don't organise gifts for his side of the family, that's for him to do. Don't remind him about anything "him" - car insurance etc.

Alternatively, the kids don't have to do after school activities, or he rearranges his job to do some of the after school activities? (That's never going to happen but its an example of how things rely on you). Let him know that if you two separate you expect 50:50 custody and how will he manage his job then?

Or work out how much he'd have to pay via CMS and show him!

Keeping an able bodied adult afloat?

She works and looks after 3 children and runs the household!

Are you ok? Who is being kept afloat here?

The thing is, in relationships / marriages, you tend to have to divide and conquer. There's no point saying "I'm so upset my husband isn't interested in coming clothes shopping for our daughter" if generally you're the one who does it. I honestly don't know any many men who would leap at the chance to go and pick up a dress from a shop 😐

All the stuff you say your husband doesn't pay attention to are all the things my DH wouldn't be interested in either. Not because he's cruel or heartless but because those are the things I take responsibility for. Likewise if he came to me and said "do you want to come and have a look at this leak in the shower?" or "do you want to give me a hand making Sunday dinner?" I would say no thank you, those are your jobs!

I suppose you need to look at the bigger picture here. Is he a good dad and husband generally? Is he caring? Does he take an interest in their hobbies? Does he have fun with them?

To me, those are all far more important than whether he feigns interest in birthday presents or communion dresses....

I agree with this.

It's just not necessary for both parents to get involved with everything. As plenty of people have said, it doesn't need 3 of you to pick up her communion dress, and if he's happy for you to take the lead with present buying, and you're happy to do it, then it doesn't need you both to get involved. I think it's worth working on communication. At the moment you are "expecting" him to pick up on cues and getting annoyed when he doesn't. For example if you say "I'm going to pick up a few bits for DD's birthday", why not just tell him what you are getting, rather than getting annoyed because he doesn't spontaneously ask?

I adopted a similar approach with my husband. I told him he was entirely responsible for x, y and z (I picked the things I cared less about). And then I left him to it. Yes, there was a brief period of him getting things "wrong" or missing things because he was picking up unfamiliar tasks, but he soon got used to it. And, if it wasn't done in the exact same way that I would have done it, that was actually ok.

30 hours across 3 days is barely part time, FT is just 5 hours more. I think most people would assume PT is under 20 hours (or maybe that's just me!). You're putting 10 hour days in 3 days a week, he can't be doing much more at work than you- 10 hours more? And you're responsible for literally every "life admin" task and household chore as well? Of course it isn't fair, and of course you're going to feel resentful. I'd imagine at 30 hours a week you're contributing your fair share financially so his bollocks about "not having a house without him" is just that, bollocks.

I don't have much advice because I live in a similar situation, except I work FT. DH would never think to plan birthday/christmas presents and trips out, nor would he think about nut policies at school. He doesn't really know much about DC's school events unless explicitly told, despite them always being in the google calendar. It's frustrating so I get it.

Yes, I don’t understand how picking up a package from a shop is a family event. I would try and get of having to do this too!!

Why would the OP have to get up at 3am? That seems excessive. This doesn’t sound like a great relationship or good role models for the children to grow up with. I would be making plans to go back to work full time and losing the husband.

I got my MIL a Christmas gift that needed to be posted (we live abroad) and it was sitting there on top of the wardrobe till last week!
If you don't want to break up, the only option is to divide up tasks based on your strengths. If he wants to be liberated from planning and organising and remembering, he has to pick up more of the routine grunt work like cleaning, laundry, shopping, DIY etc. I have let go of expecting my DH to do things the way I would do them and I'm rubbish at some of the things he can do like DIY (I also hate washing up and he loves it so win-win there!).

If you went full time wouldn’t you be doing shorter days as you seem to be doing compressed hours at moment (30hrs over 3 days). I don’t understand why you’d need to get up at 3am if you worked full time either but maybe that was a throw away comment. Is there not wrap around care at school? So maybe one person drops off, one person picks up? And after school activities become weekend activities or are scheduled later in the evening which will happen as they get older anyway.

Sit down with him and divide jobs up between you. He doesn't need to tag along with everything you do, collecting the dress for example. He does need to pull his weight, you need to not expect perfection in everything. Fir interest, if you are working 10 hour days, how do you do that with 3 kids?

I do understand what you are saying, truly, but you are as guilty as your DH from looking at this from his PoV:

Going back full time isn’t an option at the moment as it would mean the kids would not get to go to their afterschool activities.
OK, so that is what it would mean for the short term (realistically won't happen anyway but hear me out)
I’d be up every morning at 3am
Why? Presumably this to get things done that should be shared 50/50. In which case you need to split it fairly so he pulls his weight
and wouldn’t be able to get to bed until 8pm
As above
plus as he already travels for work it just wouldn’t work with childcare
You only need to worry about childcare for 50% of the time, ask him what his solution is for 'his' days. His job = not your problem for the purposes of this discussion

Essentially, I would work out what it would take for you to work full-time. More precisely what it would take FROM HIM to share home responsibilities 50% (which should enable you to work full time given you are doing everything and working 30hrs). Then tell him that the old agreement is dead because he has not held up his side of the bargain due to disrespect and treating you like a slave instead of a partner Therefore you need to work full time and explain what his 'fair share' now looks like and ask him when how early he can put this is place. He is welcome to arrange paid assistance if he is unwilling / unable to do things himself, but it is no longer your job to run around after him and arrange his life and responsibilities. Give him a date you are targeting and watch his jaw drop. And obviously (as it is the first question he will ask) of course you are willing to contribute 50% to shared bills. (I know it will not be fair as his income is higher but that one needs to be put to bed straight away or he will use it as an excuse).
Let's see how he likes them apples...

I hope he may see your contribution in a different light. If not, i would drop any and all assistance to him - including cooking and cleaning and anything else that will inconvenience him until he sees the light (or you end up divorcing the arse)

He doesn’t care, that’s why he doesn’t remember.

what does he bring to the relationship other than a pay check and mess?

I totally get this and sympathise. Your husband sounds useless.
30 hours a week is basically full time! Particularly if you are working 10 hour days.
I don’t think you need to do anything drastic like get divorced but decide what you want and ‘arrange a meeting’ with your husband where you tell him what’s expected and you can divvy out jobs/roles.

My job isn’t a 9-5 Monday to Friday. I’ve always been an early riser so I ask for early shifts. Have been in the job 20 years since before I met my husband. His job has more earning potential whereas im nearly at the top of mine. Have the option to go full time and still earn 15,000 less than him or try for a higher role which comes up very rarely. We have childcare in place too for school pickups on the days I work. The after school activities are swimming which we both feel is essential however it falls on a midweek so my responsibility, the others are more recreational drama/gym and then he wants them in a team sport so they do play sports and have matches at the weekend which generally is split so I am there to drop them to training but then at the weekend then the matches fall to him as I usually work Saturdays

Or ... a different tack ... figure out how you do life without him. Financially, logistically, practically. Make sure you can stand on your own two feet. Then you make a choice about whether you stay or go from a much stronger position.

You are not happy with the way things are now. BUT you cannot change anyone's behaviour except your own.

Agreed. Far more efficient to separate tasks than all traipse around doing every errand together