Husband doesn’t see what I do as a contribution

[summervibes26]

Myself and my husband haven’t been getting on well lately. There is a few factors but mainly I feel I’m responsible for the majority of the mental load of everything whilst working part time and whilst he does help out around the house and with the kids ect I feel it’s me who sorts most things out. When I address this the answer I get is I work I don’t have time or I forgot. If I push back I’m told you never forget anything cos you’re perfect aren’t you.
I’m hearing this more and more. It came to a head a few years ago and he claimed he’d get checked by a doctor as he’s struggling with memory ect. It got better for a while and he started using notebooks and diaries to keep track.
An example is our daughter has her birthday this week and not once has he said to me what are we getting for dds birthday (I’ve already picked up her gifts) instead he’s going away this weekend and I’ve heard about the stuff he needs to do before he goes away which he managed to find time for.
I purchased a birthday gift for a family member on his side, left a card and gift wrap there and 4 weeks on he still hasn’t dropped the gift over despite living local.
I snapped this morning though when he was making the kids lunches and went to put a granola in their lunch which contains nuts despite me telling him he can’t give them this granola in school (no nuts policy) only two days ago when he sent them into school with the same granola.
I highlighted how I’m sick of having to remind him of the most simplist things ect. He has access to the same information I have regarding the school policy.
He then said if it wasn’t for his money (earnings) we wouldn’t have this house ect . The last year or so Ive had countless of comments similar to that extent. He earns twice as much as me but before we had kids we were on similar salaries which funnily enough got us our mortgage. I’m happy to do more around the house being part time hence the buying of gifts for his side of the family as that was the agreement we had when he took the job which would entail longer hours for him and occasionally working into the evening/weekends when he’s home and I wanted to be home with the kids more. He said I can’t have it every way but all I’m looking for is for him to remember simple things and try take an interest in stuff.
There’s a lot of stuff I can probably move on from but it’s the bit of being reminded how he earns more and how our life wouldn’t be possible if it wasn’t for his earnings that really gets me.

Does this mean he does all the morning stuff with the kids on three days a week before he goes to work?

It doesnt sound like your husband has a particularly high-earning job and you are still working 30 hours (which is almost full-time).

So he still has to do his share round the house. It sounds like he wants you to do 75% of housework/childcare AND bring in (I am estimating here) 40% of the money.

@Passaggressfeduplunches are given in school, they dress themselves but will need help tying hair up, breakfast is a bowl of cereal which they get themselves and then he either drops them to child minders on route to work or to school if he’s working at home. Bags and uniforms are prepped night before. Older son gets himself up, dressed and fed and is gone by 7:50

then he wants them in a team sport so they do play sports and have matches at the weekend which generally is split so I am there to drop them to training but then at the weekend then the matches fall to him as I usually work Saturdays

for starters knock your involvement in this on the head. He wants it, he facilitates it. Completely, training and matches.

May be he does have memory issues. Any chance he could have ADHD? This can give memory issues especially when the individual hyper focuses on something else eg work.

I have memory issues for things that don't interest me. So i write myself reminders, or notes on what needs to be done.

And you work 30 hours? that isn't really much off full-time. Divide up the tasks and make him crack on with it. Presumably in a nut free school what the children bring in is checked? Either let them miss out on a snack if this is the case (and it's confiscated) or just stop buying things with nuts in?

Occam's Razor is your friend here: go for the easiest option for everything. Also if you want to stay with him, hang in there. Your children will be pretty self-sufficient for many things soon.

I wouldn’t expect anything else on this tbh. I know making your communion is an important sacrament but he’ll see the dress on the day. No biggie!

The mundane jobs of parenting usually sit with the mum, it’s just the way it is. Mum’s are great at getting the logistics of family life done, the correct way and on time. I use my DH skill’s for cooking a few dinners a week and ferrying the kids places.

Work out what your DH is good at, what he doesn’t mind doing and could manage regularly and delegate those jobs to him. And don’t sweat the small stuff! Then less arguments between you both, for things to be said that aren’t meant.

So 3 days a week he sorts the kids out in the morning, drop them off and go to work. He works 5 days, whilst you get two days child free?

Yes, you should take the biggest proportion of the mental load.

OP you work 30hrs a week, that's plenty with three children as well.

Mumsnet is obsessed with mothers working full time. Outsourcing the childcare, often negates the extra money but hey career comes first on this batshit crazy forum.

I have to agree with this.

"that's just the way it is"
would you say that about race? Or sexual orientation? Why does being female mean working harder and being the default parent?

I said usually. Read the full sentence.
And no to your first two questions.
And no idea why to your third Q. Maybe someone else could answer you on that. Or ask AI they may help you figure that out.

30 hours is more than part time really and you have 3 kids so he firstly needs to appreciate you a lot more.

He’s checked out of parenting and the mental load and he’s handed it over to you. That’s why he’s forgetting- he doesn’t see it as important and he thinks it’s your job.

You need to push back a bit. So no present buying for any side of his family. Definitely not distant local relatives! So unnecessary- he can forget and deal with the consequences.

He doesn’t appreciate what you do as he doesn’t realise what it all entails.

On the rare occasions my DH would do the the school pick up he would ask me what time school finished. Every.single.time! These are intelligent men but they don’t allocate the brain space to things like that.

I stopped doing DH’s laundry in an attempt to stop my resentment towards him. He also does a lot of the Saturday clubs. Just hand over more stuff to him. And keep pointing out he would not be able to do his job or have progressed in his career without you.

If he has memory problems, he needs to follow up on this. I found there's a difference when I work FT as opposed to p/t; it's like I get used to remembering things like about the nuts/May's birthday party etc. To me, it's like when you first bring your baby home, it seems hard for a few days then you just do the feeds and everything without thinking about it, but we're all different, and we're really the first generation where it's been normal for the man to have to do things like help pack lunches (shout out to my grandad who ALWAYS did house and childcare, but he was seen as unusual by some!) If you aren't happy with his contributions, go FT and tell him you'll both split all the housework and childcare.

"I’m happy to do more around the house being part time ... as that was the agreement we had when he took the job which would entail longer hours for him and occasionally working into the evening/weekends when he’s home and I wanted to be home with the kids more."

"He then said if it wasn’t for his money (earnings) we wouldn’t have this house ect . The last year or so Ive had countless of comments similar to that extent. "

"... it’s the bit of being reminded how he earns more and how our life wouldn’t be possible if it wasn’t for his earnings that really gets me."

I think I'd be reminding him that the only reason he can earn that money in that job is because you agreed to support that. Has he forgotten that too? It would seem that you were a team then, but not now. :(

There are two problems I can see - his memory, and his attitude. They're linked, but separate IYSWIM. His memory issues could be physical (which is why he went to the doctor) or could be part of the nobody's-as-important-as-me-so-I'm-not-going-to-waste-effort-on-them attitude.

Do you think it is possible that he has a medical issue, and is trying to disguise it with bravado; or do you think he has become self-important due to earning more and is choosing to forget that you sacrificing your career made his career possible?

“OK DH, if I was paid market rate for everything I organize and get done, I’d be the higher earner out of the 2 of us. I work 7 days a week; which adds up to about 70 hours a week.”

So get an au pair. Your marriage is about to end. I am not saying this to blame you, I am warning you this won't go on for much longer . You can't change him.

@WhereYouLeftIt i think he has a poor attitude to women and it’s something that has crept in gradually. I mentioned a celebrity a while ago who is doing very well for herself and his reply was if it wasn’t for her husband (more famous) she wouldn’t be anything.

ExDP used to tell me I contributed nothing too. Note the ‘ex’. He used to go on about how I was lazy and didn’t earn enough. Yet at the same time, he refused to even pick up his belongings off the floor so I could hoover, had no involvement in childcare unless it was forced upon him, wouldn’t do anything fun with the DCs except watch TV.

He recently wrote a letter on behalf of one of the DCs (they’re young adults) and spelt their name wrong, even though it is a common name with the most common spelling (eg Martin) - and it wasn’t a typo because when we were together I was always havogn to correct this same mistake. He also mixes up their birthdays. I cannot imagine many mothers making either of these 2 mistakes.

I can be the devil's advocate but why did you guys end up with three kids when he seems to be barely interested in any of them? And why did you, if you are married to someone who isnt interested in pulling his weight or his family. I assume you knew what he was like when you had the first one. I just dont get it. We ended up with one kid - and honestly am always surprised why others end up with lots of kids and then complain that their husband isnt bothered....then why carry on having kids with such men.

The reality is that unless you go back to work full time - you cant make him realise or value what you do - because he doesnt. Even if you divorce, he wont realise it because I assume you'll be taking care of the kids and he will see them every other weekend.

Sorry this is such a frustrating situation - I can totally see how this would be absolutely maddening.

Yes, I have to agree with this poster.
Going back to work full time (and presumably getting childcare) isn't an option.
Then please, don't complain.

He clearly has zero interest in them.
Unforgivable.
Start planning on going solo.
It may take time, but you can do it.
In the meantime, work on your self esteem.
Madness that you are doing anything for him specifically.
Stop the ridiculous wife work and stop doing anything that solely benefits him.
He sounds like a waster and increasingly your children will realise it.

To those who say that mums are usually good at this stuff - thats not true. My work is very much six months one thing, six months another. During the busy periods - DH does things like opticians, dentists, birthday presents, cooking etc and you know what....it's very very easy not to know anything if you arent involved. Dc has just changed their glasses and I honestly dont know which pairs are the new or the old ones. The big difference is whether you are there planning the thing and when it happens. It's not gender, it's whether you are involved or not. It is very easy not to be engaged and to know nothing whether you are male or female. The difference is - mums usually dont get the option not to be involved and dads usually get to disengage.

If you want your Dh to be involved and to value what you do - they have to actually do this stuff. They wont value it if they dont ever do it.

Part of me feels like this too.
I am not in any way diluting the enormity of childcare and running a home inc life admin but arguably you are at home more.
Please try to take the competitiveness out of the situation. Your husband shouldn't be saying that you've only got what you have due to his earnings, that isn't fair.
Please don't let this become a big issue in your marriage that is worth saving

I am sure that you have substantial cc /support for this to work so probably not a good comparison