AIBU to feel disgusted about DH having lap dance at stag do? I’ve only just found out.

[Internationalwomendayheadquarters]

My DH and I have been married for 12 years. I’ve just found out he had a lap dance at his stag do all those years ago. I feel disgusted that these are his values. If I knew, I never would have married him. To be honest, I wish I did know before.

It’s not even so much about the cheating, but it’s the attitudes towards women which I find so abhorrent. We have now got two little girls and it feels so wrong. I feel like I will look at him differently from now on.

He's timing your showers and you are not allowed to have a bath in your own house? Is he timing his own showers?

I have just seen the other threads you have started , OP.

I would say these things you disclosed about your DH are a little more serious than the lapdance, and you haven't thought about leaving him until now?

1. He's a vocal racist
2. He's a vocal misogynist
3. You say that he raped you
4. He's a complete slob

Yeah, number 3 is a bit of a biggy isn't it?

How come you up in arms about the lap dancing, but seem to have stayed with over the other stuff?

If I knew, I never would have married him.

Divorce him then. Or are you just here for the drama?

I think I would probably work out my finances to see if I could manage on my own with the DC.
Timing of showers & refusing you a bath is almost worse than the twelve year deception.
You must feel totally let down & despairing of this situation.

I would be pissed off but as a one off, his friends probably paid for it etc then I wouldnt be that bothered tbh.
I have also known friends who were strippers and lapdancers in our early 20,s, it was very transactional, they werent groomed or vulnerable, they were making good money while they persued other careers and studied. Ok not the case for all women doing this but for sure the ones I knew enjoyed their work and earned a fortune and definitely were not coerced, it was more a case of look at these idiot men paying hundreds of pounds to see a pair of breasts.
A one off lapdance 12 years ago can surely be put in the past as long as it stays there and he hasnt done it since.
Editing to add the ither things people have said that yoh posted about your marriage are far more concerning, if this is the straw that has finally broke the camels back for you to leave then keep channelling that anger. The lapdance as a single one off thing would not bother me but if these other things are also going on then if maybe this is your one final nail in the coffin that gives you the courage to leave, then use it.

Forced you into sex when you said no and Co erced you into giving him oral sex as well. The lap dance is the least of your worries

Absolutely having read the update and quotes from previous threads. You need to leave him op.

Well he sounds like a rapist controlling bastard anyway so I wouldnt necessarily be surprised he cheated on you at his own stag do. Or that hes so weak he "couldn't say no" to his friends paying for him. Id find a pathetic, feeble "man" like that such an embarassing turn off.

Unforgivable IMO. Everything. Am so sorry op.

@Internationalwomendayheadquarters YABVU to let your dh being abusive to your children. That is far more alarming than a lapdance 12 years ago. And you also believe he raped you when you were sedated ? You seem to focus on the wrong things here. Therapy might help you see clear to what's important NOW.

He also forces your kids to eat in silence and makes them eat their meals in 20 minutes. Hes a racist. He doesn't wash. He gives you the ick. Why are you married to this man?

Wait, what? Is there a previous thread?

You're making excuses for him. Sorry OP. You deserve better, the children certainly deserve better. You know this from other posts of yours. He's controlling, manipulative, possibly a rapist and actually he is an emotional abuser of the children and you. Even if you don't care about yourself, those kids don't need this man as a role model.

Multiple previous threads about her husband yes

Previous threads - he is abusive, sexist, racist, dirty, ogles other women and makes comments in front of his young daughters.
He is also over 50 so he’s not going to change.

Have to say I also don't like this tradition that has been normalised. Surely your friends do something that you would like. Why even go to these places in the first place?
My friend recently went for a meal in her favourite restaurant - no need for crazy hen do strippers and likewise with the men! Can't they just go and enjoy a weekend playing golf or something!
This whole "last night of freedom" seems a dated misogynistic act. If that was the case, technically your last night of freedom would be before you decide to even date the girl.

Hi OP, I understand that you are hurt and confused and you are right to be upset with your DH. However, this was some time ago and in marriages we will all get things wrong, even very wrong. I do not think I would be splitting up over this. I would be clear you are upset and that it can never happen going forward, but I would try and put it behind you both.

OP has other threads the lap dance is a minor issue.

So sorry to hear this op.
You will be feeling all sorts of things right now and will be in shock.
Now is not the time to make any decisions.
I wanted to reach out to you , and especially as I do understand the horrible sensation of realising that you have invested your life with a man that you suddenly feel alienated from.
Its a horrible feeling.
My dh did something similar ( in my mind) just after I had our first dc- i felt trapped with a baby on maternity leave with a man I too felt that I wish Id not married due to the situation.
Depending on the type of person both he and you are , you may be able to get thro this if he acknowledges and can work with , how this has left you feeling.
It may also be a long road ( or not)
The circumstances and how he feels about them are also important- did he feel massive pressure to have the dance , did he choose the ckub etc. was it against his wishes . Whatis his attitude to womwn now / all these years.
he may be misogynistic or it may be that he is absolutely not , that this is out of character, and he is embarrassed and regretfull? All these make a difference.
all the v best on your journey .

I’m not blaming women at all!! You’re saying you’re getting hate, I’m just saying you’re not, you’re getting other people’s opinions. No one has victims blamed at all!

This is exactly what is wrong. If a poster starting a new thread regarding the state of the marriage gives half the story how can people give a properly considered reply appropriate to the situation. If they dont have access to the OPs previous threads they woud need to read every single reply which could be 10s of pages long & not just the 'read all' posts by the OP. It ends up feeling like a waste of time replying.

You sound like you’d like a reason to split with him, frankly the lap dance sounds like the least of your worries

Ha! Seems I was corrrct

He's raped her too and Co erced her into oral sex. He times her showers. He forces their kids to eat in silence. He gives her the ick. The lap dance is the least of her concerns

This is a subject that will always divide people.

I (a woman) had a stripper at my hen do. My husband did not have a stripper or go to a strip club. I did get him a stripper for his 30th birthday though.

The act of it wouldn’t bother me but the deception would.

It is clear from your other comments that this isn’t about the lap dance. It feel like you just wanted a more solid reason to leave and are focusing on it.

If you are unhappy you don’t need another reason to divorce other than that.

I am sure he has changed. Especially as he now has DDs. I feel it is unfortunate that you are so obsessive about it. He didn't have sex with anyone. Fairly harmless fun I think.