AIBU to feel disgusted about DH having lap dance at stag do? I’ve only just found out.

[Internationalwomendayheadquarters]

My DH and I have been married for 12 years. I’ve just found out he had a lap dance at his stag do all those years ago. I feel disgusted that these are his values. If I knew, I never would have married him. To be honest, I wish I did know before.

It’s not even so much about the cheating, but it’s the attitudes towards women which I find so abhorrent. We have now got two little girls and it feels so wrong. I feel like I will look at him differently from now on.

This.

I didn’t mean to read and run. Our marriage is generally OK and he’s supportive but there’s still some issues.

He is now timing my showers and I’m not allowed to take any baths. This is a result of us being on heating oil and the spiralling costs.

On the whole, he does a lot for the family. He cooks all the evening meals, does most school pick ups and tries to be a good family man.

I’ve been trying to get him understand that he is not always an ally to women. He still makes comments about women on TV like ‘she shouldn’t be wearing that dress’ or ‘she needs to lose weight’ which I dislike, especially in front of the children.

The worst feeling of all though is that he doesn’t seem to care enough or put any effort in. No Mother’s Day card or gift.

I slept on the sofa last night. This all came out because friends were talking about stag dos and I asked him outright. At the time, he didn’t even tell me that they went to a strip club so it feels like there’s something more that he had to hide.

My answer to this is changed by your other threads which I think are very important for context here- just leave him. It doesn't have to be for "one" reason, it looks to me like you have many.

It’s absolutely grotesque and I totally get where you’re coming from

can I ask you to think about the man he is now? And his attitude to it, and whether he takes responsibility for it? Is ashamed ?

if my DH had done this 25 years ago I would probably still end the marriage

Oh god, I hadn’t read your latest post where he’s a controlling narcissistic fucking arsehole

LEAVE HIM

@Internationalwomendayheadquarters if you had know. You wouldn’t have married him . I’d assume he knew your thoughts /feelings on this ?
Id feel the same as you , I’d feel cheated of making decision for my future based on facts .

If you can’t get over it then you can walk . Don’t ways your life unhappy .

I agree OP, I hate strip Clubs and all they stand for. If I walked into our home and a friend was performing a lap dance on DH I would class it as cheating. I don’t understand why paying for it suddenly makes it ok to everyone? It is cheating and I would be furious and heartbroken.

I went to a naked man drawing class at a hen once . It was basically a man stripping and he got everything out . In all honesty I didn’t even remotely enjoy it I hate that sort of thing . I know a lap dance is different .. I wouldn’t be happy either but it’s not something that I would break up over after 12 years of marriage . From reading your follow up posts it’s sounds like there is more going on than this and that this is the last straw . Timing showers is ridiculous and controlling . I would suggest getting therapy on your own to go through your feelings on what is going on in your marriage before doing anything .

You either want to be with him or you don’t. Him receiving, a likely peer pressured, lap dance over a decade ago on his stag do is neither here nor there.

If he’s lazy and misogynistic in other ways today, that’s a far better basis for making a decision on your relationship.

Your angry , I get that and at the time it was a seedy thing to happen . But it does happen mainly because the other men at the stag push the groom to be into having one . Wrong yes but at the time with no doubt a fair bit of alcohol in him , being egged on by mates , and not wanting to not appear up for it plus a whole load of immaturity probably made him do it .
You need to look back through those past 12 years , has he been a good husband ?
Is he supportive ? Is he a good father ?

Have you had a good life with him up to now ?
Take some time out to logically think this through before you blow up your life over this .

I couldn't get excited about something that happened 12 yrs ago. I might be disappointed but that would be it.

We don't do mothers/fathers day here, just pointless days. I don't need a day to celebrate something that's overly commercialised and forced.

I am with you OP. Though this also feels like the straw that has broken the camel’s back. He is a dickhead.

This actually reads like you don’t like him.
Is it a build up of this being the last straw?

My now husband had his stag do and had a lap dance. At the time I really wasn't impressed, personally think its gross but each to their own.
He told me straight away as it was paid for by the others on the stag do and his best man had one to but it was 10 years ago and tbh I've never thought about it until I saw this post.
Not happy at the time but doesn't bother me now

Divorcing a man you have two children with for getting a lap dance 12 years ago on a stag do is ridiculous as a single statement, yes. But reading between the lines, I would assume there is much more to it than this.

OP your other threads make him look pretty horrific. You have been aware of problems for a while. Please act for the sake of yourself and the children.

So,you have a DH who by all accounts sounds like he is faithful, a good family man,does the school runs & cooks all the evening meals.You have found out that 10 years ago he participated in part of the evening which involved a lapdance. This has has caused you to think if you had known this you would never have married him.

My first thoughts were is this poster serious. I read on to find you are critical of him passing the ocassional comment regarding his thoughts on the appearance of some women on television & accuse him of being a mysoginist. I'm honestly surprised he hasn't walked out. An expression I've learned since joining mumsnet is one I've never used as it has never felt appropriate,that is until now. You need to give your head a wobble.

F lapdances.
I hate men.
Married one three decades older, for "security".
At least he's decent.

I get the OP, especially with them having two daughters.
Makes my blood boil.

I think you’re being a bit extreme here. Being a bit pissed off sure. Regretting having married him and never looking at him in the same way again?…

We all do things we may later regret. Silly, stupid, sometimes awful things. Forgiveness and understanding is a wonderful thing. And really, it’s everything else that really matters. How are they beyond this one mistake? Are you both happy? Is he a good man and father and partner?

I spent a great deal of time in the early 2000s in the fashionable and left wing parts of London. Great area, people who were passionate about human rights and such. But also very hip and worked in music and such. They would regularly sit around a dinner table talking about the injustices of the world - slavery and cheap clothes and such - while occasionally pausing to do lines of coke (produced, one assumes under awful conditions). The irony of this was missed by most of them. My point is that we’re all human and it’s very difficult to be perfect.

It’s also important to ask whether he chose to have a lap dance or even enjoyed it? I’ve been and heard of hen parties when strippers have been booked and the hen was absolutely mortified. One walked out in tears, two grinned and bared it.

Why are you focusing on this? From your other threads, you know he is an abusive misogynistic prick, surely this makes zero difference in the grand scheme of things?

I think him forcing your girls to to eat their dinners in 20 minutes in silence, and the way he talks about women and girls is really damaging, and you are allowing it to happen.

You grew up with an abusive dad, is this really what you want for your children?

So far no-one's "blaming" you.

How on earth is somebody meant to know what has gone on in other threads if you dont have access to them. My reply is my opinion on what is written in the latest thread. If the OP is looking for honest answers she should be honest in every thread she starts as to what is really going on in her marriage. I usually read the first post in a thread then all the posts OP replies to then I give my opinion. I'd never have time to read every single reply to an OP but it appears that's what is necessary or you will miss something. It should be an OPs responsibility to articulate the whole problem withn the marriage when deciding to start a new thread.

Err, no. I don't think anyone's said that so far. There might be a few who think it, but not "MN"

I probably wouldn't have been too bothered by the lap dance at a stag do, although that doesn't mean you mustn't be. Wouldn't have loved it, but could, if it was an isolated incident, see it as a one off stag do novelty experience thing.

I'm bothered by this, though. It shows a more consistent undermining of women and maybe that's one reason why the dance upset you so much - there's a wider context for it.