Does being a mum mean worrying forever?

[mcrlover]

DD (baby) is at the end of recovering from a sick bug, and it has been such a stressful few days. Finally she's asleep and I have so much residual stess. She started nursery a few months ago so is still catching everything. I am finding it so stressful and anxiety-inducing. Feels like I'm in a constant stress loop that she's healthy and safe.

Is being a mum this stressful all the time (YANBU) or does the stress and worry get better (YABU)?

Yep. And my DC are late 20s now with their own homes.

Sorry!

It never goes away, just evolves. I feel like there’s a window during the primary school years where it’s much easier. They’re less physically vulnerable but you still have an element of control over their social and emotional wellbeing - you can “fix” their problems for them most of the time.

Then come the teen years and it’s much harder to find the solutions for their problems and the loss of control makes the worry worse. I’m yet to experience adult children but I can’t imagine it gets easier.

Years ago there was a poster who started a thread pondering whether she should have had her children. Not because she didn’t love them but because she loved them so much and the feelings were so big and all-encompassing that it was unenjoyable in many ways. That resonated with me.

We are repeatedly warned about sleepless nights of babyhood and the lack of freedom you have. But this issue - this never ending worry is not talked about enough.

I couldn’t scroll by without commenting. I’m so very sorry to read what you are going through. You sound such a lovely, caring person. Wishing you love and strength and happy, fun time with your children… 💖🥰😽x

Yes you always worry but it becomes second nature. You’re feeling it more strongly at the moment because you’ve just been through something that has heightened the worry.. and don’t forget that a few short months ago you didn’t have anything near this to worry about in your life… you are very new to it.

For me, it is 100% worth it for the bursts of love and pride you feel every single day. For someone very anxious to begin with though.. it might be worth reconsidering if you are thinking of having a child.

It’s not as stressful when they get older - obviously, an unwell child at any age is a worry, but there is always something to worry about. What the baby books don’t tell you, OP, is that your child does not emerge into the world perfectly formed at eighteen and after that you don’t have a day’s worry about them. The problem as they get older is that you can’t just kiss them better - they will have their hearts broken; they will not get that part in the school play, be disappointed over exam results, not get into the university they wanted, fail their driving test - and even if they coast through all that, there’s then the world of work - job interviews to fail at the last fence, and the actual job not being what they thought it would be. You will worry if they have a partner, and worry if they don’t. They get married and have children - so you worry about whether they’ll get pregnant, then worry when they do, and worry about the DGC because you now have two sets of children to worry about!

I’m glad for you that was the right decision.

For me, this, and your heart walking round outside your body still means it’s worth it. What an experience to love someone else so deeply and completely.

Well it must be me but I don’t t worry about much at all.
I think the thoughts for them are always bubbling but I’m not sure I’d call them worries.
I have four children all grown now 36-45 and seven dgc.
Worrying never helps a situation, so do something about it, if you can, if you can’t there’s no point worrying.

Yes, yes it does! I don't even have children of my own. Instead, I worry about my younger brother (he's 59...) and his two daughters (almost 21 and almost 26). Brother, wife and younger daughter are off to America soon to visit the older daughter, who is a postgrad at university there. As you can imagine, these days, my anxiety about niece being over there (they had a shooter on campus last year...) and them all being there soon has my anxiety through the roof.

It's made me understand so much better how it must have been for my own mother when I went blithely off to university, then to live in London (etc etc).

There is something lovely about this

My eldest is 22, I still worry about him regularly. So no, it won't go way, you have to learn to manage it.

You do, but the worries change over time. Some get worse, some ease. Some new ones, some constant ones.

Yes, we’ve found it continues with the grandchildren - one has inherited the SEN running in DH’s family! That feeling of deja vue is daunting - having to explain the pitfalls in the SEN system to DC and knowing how DGC will struggle!

Yes, if you are a worrier, or your children have problems.
My children are in their late 30s, and, if my parents had been worrying about me at that age, i would definately not have appreciated it.
When you child becomes an adult you should stop hanging over them like a broody hen.
Also, you will only have a short window of time before you start worrying about your parents.

I voted Yabu because the heightened worry you feel directly after an illness/crisis does lessen over time. You never stop worrying completely, but the anxiety levels do go down.

Yes - if you think this is bad, wait till they’re 17 and just passed their driving test! I could have been sick watching our youngest drive off just after they'd passed their test, and they are a very competent safe driver…It’s always there. Our eldest is away on a trip and I know they are fine and having a great time, but I will also be happy when they are back home safe. It’s just how it is.

And then the grandchildren arrive and you thought you wouldn't worry about them in the same way but you do. Plus you worry about your own children worrying about the grandchildren. And so it goes on!!!

My sons are 32 and 33. They had motorbikes ( and serious accidents) in their late teens and 20s. Then came marriages, houses ,babies and cars. The 32 year old ( married, 2 tiny children) has just bought a motorbike. To his face I just laughed and brushed it off. At home I had a little private cry. You are 68 times more likely to be killed doing a journey on a motorbike than you are doing that journey in a car. He doesn't go out on it when it rains.....I feel relief when it's raining.

It's not just motorbikes, though that is worrying. All the young men in our family have had accidents while cycling.

I am old and very happily childfree, but when I look at my friends stressing about their adult kids, I'd say the worry is never-ending. And that's why I'm so relieved I'm not a parent!

Yes indeed. My BIL was killed on a bicycle last November. My SILs son is recovering from a broken femur ( hit a tree mountain biking )and my other SILs son broke his collar bone months and months ago and it just isn't healing . They are all obsessive hobby cyclists.

Yes. I was never a worrier, zero anxiety and I work in a high pressure role but becoming a mum triggered a level of anxiety in me I never thought possible. You learn to live with it obviously but I’ve resigned myself to the fact I’ll never be fully relaxed again.

You are not defined by being a Mum. As baby gets older you will have more time to do things for yourself and that is key. I found the first year the most stressful and gets better from then. Things like going back to work and the fact that you are less tired and can better appreciate the joy they bring really helps.

BIL was 80. The 'young' men are about to enter their 50s. Old age doesn't bring wisdom sadly

What does help as they get a little older is when they sleep in the night, and you can sleep in the night - the worry becomes more rational as you can understand it. Not sleeping and worrying was the worst! Mines only 2 so I’ve got a whole lifetime of worrying about shit to go yet, but I know I’m better at rationalising that worry when I get sleep 😂

I’m 62, my children are 34 and 37. I still worry about them…they are still my ‘babies’. I’ve now got the added worry about my grandchildren, and can now understand (and appreciate!) my own lovely mum’s worries, which I never really did when I was a young mum. I just thought she was being emotional and anxious over nothing…and did occasionally get a little frustrated.

How I wish I could speak to her now and say, I get it now mum! 💖