What fresh hell is this

[eggsandsourdough]

High school!!

DD started last year and jesus fucking christ what a rollercoaster.

The transition has been absolutly brutal, not so much for my DD in the sense she made a huge group of friends but the sheer drama, behaviour,shocking stories.

My lovely, kind empathetic grl has turned into a monster.

I was not ready!! What a humbling experience.

I have PTSD from DD in year 9. Not much of an exaggeration- things were so constantly dreadful that DS (who is a very different, quiet, chilled lad) recently sat me down looking worried and said he had something to tell me- I had a full on panic reaction. Went dizzy, felt sick, apparently went pale, felt physically sick, had to sit down.
He’d lost his scientific calculator!

This is YEARS later. Year 9 DD broke me.

(DD now 20. Second year of university. Still extraordinarily “spirited” and forceful but as a 20 year old woman her confidence , independence and refusal to take shit from anyone is rather glorious to watch. Difficult to manage in a 13/14 year old though….!)

It was all a fucking nightmare for us with an AuDHD daughter.
Kids struggle enough when they are neurotypical-so it was even harder.
She managed about 85% attendance, refused PE & ‘form’ - and did zero (and I mean zero) work during Covid lockdowns.
How she pulled out 7 GCSE passes is beyond me.
The biggest issue was school promising -then not fulfilling their end of the agreement.
Plus girls are such utter bitches! It was bad when I was at school but by God, social media has made it so so much worse.
Don hands hats and buckle up ladies - it’s a bumpy ride!
((She has come through the other side. College was horrific and she had no option but to drop out. She can’t get a job for love nor money but my funny girl is coming back)).

I feel I've been lucky with my year 8 DS who has genuinely thrived in secondary. He has matured so much and is a confident, lovely lady with a great group of friends and a wide range of interests.

But DD is in year 5 and OH MY GOD the drama. She is currently being pushed out of her friendship group by a little toerag and it has caused so much hurt. I'm honestly dreading secondary school for her.

Does it make any difference if private or state? The state secondary DS goes to is actually very good. But we could stretch to placing DD in private. Unfortunately we are semi rural and the nearest one is a 45 minutes drive.

I was coming on to say brace for year 9!

You'll probably be okay because he's a boy, I've got three and I've never had any problems with them at all through secondary school.

All through university in fact or finding jobs they're an absolute delight.

You'll probably be okay because he's a boy, I've got three and I've never had any problems with them at all through secondary school.

All through university in fact or finding jobs they're an absolute delight.

Mine gave me a false sense of security in their school years. They started to becoming difficult between the years of 18 and 20 when I could do nothing because they were ‘adults’ 🙄🙄🙄

I remember going up to big school at eleven and being a fish out of water. We were actually given homework on the first day and I had taken in absolutely nothing during the classes. I was so tired and I had to stay for 'school dinners' which were disgusting. The entire experience was traumatic. I stopped being fun and got into all sorts of trouble at school.

It wasn't like that for everyone though, some people just slotted in and carried on as normal.

Hopefully your girl will knuckle down next year.

("jesus fucking christ" - was that necessary?)

Don't they just. Year 9 girls and brutal and I have one.... 😩

Same here, currently aged 14 and no real issues yet!

Yes this happened to dd1. Totally out of the blue - she thought she was in a little group of 4 including her bf since reception but one totally turned on her with no reason and no warning. Her bf wanted to stay friends with both but was in class with horrid girl and some of the other popular girls so whilst she still saw dd out of school and tried hard to keep that friendship there, she did pick a side. 4th girl just loved the drama. I also remember coming home and dd sobbing like a baby on me for hours.

it turned out ok - horrid girl moved away, 4th girl drifted off to another group, bf and dd made up and bf was pretty contrite- they are still bfs now but dd doesn’t put all her eggs in that basket and grew other groups through hobbies out of school. Dd is very resilient and doesn’t put up with shite. I also found out bfs mum had a huge go at bf and told her she was a crap friend so that helped and if dd laughs at the fact that horrid girls first boyfriend decided he was gay straight after their first kiss, well…..

I promise they do come out of it!!
mine are 28 and 22 now and they’re nice people again 😂 just stay firm and no means no!! But being a Scottish mama like myself we both know that we are the boss!!!

I used to have to listen to parents complaining about how awful their lovely child has become since starting High School and what were we, the school, going to do about it! It's an unfortunate clash of dates however where starting High School at 11 and puberty for most collide and it really isn't the school's fault.

Yeah it's mental. My very quiet bookish Y7 now rages about hating school, hating maths homework, hating this friend or that one... The good kids all seem to be constantly punished for minor things - like odd socks. The is a level of fear drummed into these kids which makes them anxious and terrified about school.

That is a very good point and puberty is part of the problem with secondary school along with:

• all the new people (teachers and other children) many of who are awful,
• the intensity of the increased workload,
• the constant fear of standing out too much.

It's like a horrible trial by fire but a good learning experience for life that toughest you up. I told my children it would be the worst 5 years but once they got though it everything would be easier.

I did well at secondary school. I excelled academically and had good friends. However, 40 years later I still have occasional bad dreams that I'm back there and look back on it as a hideous time in my life.

The secondary school visits I did with my children brought it all back I think (shudder).

Yip. When my DD hit 13 (also scottish high school), it was hellish. Girls are horrors and the boys not much better and throw hormones into the mix - it’s wild. But it will get better, just try to keep communicating with her and not judge when she tells you stuff (easier said than done right!) my 18yr old is a delight now! Godspeed ❤️

Y10 here. I’m hanging on by the skin of my teeth. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel though.
I hope that’s what it is

I found it a breeze compared to primary. Dd1 in particular always falling out with friends. In secondary I just took a step back but a realise it's not that easy for everyone

My experience of feral teenage girl bullies is one of the reasons i have never had kids.

They start upper school at the equivalent of year 9 in my country which seems to delay this change but my god it happens quickly when they move schools. DD lost her entire friend group because everyone changed so much - the girl she had walked to school with every day talking about all the ways they'd improve the world when they grow up since 2nd grade, who was the nicest kindest child, turned into someone else entirely and joined the crowd of vaping bullies . DD has changed a lot too but thankfully is still fairly nice and communicative (she still tells me everything about her day, which is lovely) but she's had so much trouble with friends and bullies these past nearly two years.

I'm sure I didn't change that much as a teenager, nor did I really get involved in the friendship drama (my friends were always splitting up into different groups but I tried to stay friendly with everyone), nor did I really give my parents much grief (and I genuinely enjoyed spending time with them throughout adolescence) so don't think its entirely inevitable with teenagers but just extremely common.

Can’t relate. Have a son in year 11, a daughter in year 9. They go to an inner city state school. They just get on with it. Yes there’s stories, it’s a state school after all, but it doesn’t affect them.

Daughter picked a low drama friendship group thank god. Son has a wide variety of friends. He’s a lad, likes his football, so again, just gets on with it. Both doing well academically, my son, exceptionally so. He is 16, he can sometimes be rude or entitled at home but nothing major. He is soon pulled into line again.

14 year old DD can get moody just before her period but she’s like clock work bless and I just give her space and low demands for that particular week.

Absolutely fine for my two (boys) too.

Kept their friendships going, no fallings out or fighting, never did more than grunt every so often when we'd laugh at them and they'd be back to their usual selves.

The school they went to wasn't one of the best (some MNers would be appalled) but they got on with it, got the grades they needed and are now both at the Universities of their choice 😀

Oh, yes. Starting high school is such a huge change, particularly for those on the spectrum.

When I was still teaching, we'd try to be gentle with children in that position but it could be so scary for them.

I recall that we once had twins where we were told that one was autistic. It was pretty clear to me when they arrived that both were. (N.D. runs in my mum's side of the family. My only formal diagnosis is OCD, but it's since been suggested that there's ASDS and ADHD.)

One was more independent and I recall that the parent asked us to separate them because one twin was relying too much on the other - and I think it had been easier for primary just to let one sibling do everything for the other.

We did as we were asked and provided support, but—by gum—I remember thinking that the twin who was being forced to function without their twin for the first time in their life must be the bravest person I'd ever seen. I remember seeing how distressed she was by noise, etc.

I'm glad that S2 is working out better for your daughter.

I recall that in my case, S2 was better than S1 because in those days there was more selection at that stage and I was moved into a more 'academic' group for some subjects. (I still shudder at the memory of the P.E. Department, however.)

Very best wishes to your daughter. I do have some understanding of what it's like from the pupil's point of view.

@WearyAuldWumman - thanks! I think it will keep getting easier honestly. She's very excited for S3 as she's picked all the most difficult classes she could find - she's hoping there will be more children who are there to learn and less of those looking for trouble (fingers crossed!)

She started her period a month after starting 'and' her best friend went to private school 'and' they're building a new school so it's really noisy and chaotic all the time 'and' she was put into a class with 20 boys and 6 girls so there was a lot to unpick. We had to get some private therapy and such for her as it was so, so hard. But I think it will only get better from here as she gets more used to it - and I also think she probably will enjoy her 20s a lot more than her teens (as did I!).

Different kids have different experiences and some parents will experience more dramas than others. Our older two had such a huge impact from Covid lockdowns on their high school experience that it's really hard to separate the two. My youngest went from being a gentle dreamy clown to being more of a laddish banter comedian, he's still himself but more toned down in some ways and more full of himself in other ways. His older brother went from being a quiet kid to being a very quiet teen, he's got friends and is respected by his peers but it's mad trying to do that balance of having really different personalities in the house.