AIBU to call MIL again after she disinherited all grandkids?

[Namechangdforthis]

It’s an inheritance one. My fil died a few years ago. My mil almost immediately fell out with sil (her daughter). And ‘disinherited’ her and her kids. They had an argument about fil health and premature death. Mil blamed sil. Didn’t go down well. Meanwhile we’ve trundled along trying to keep the peace but failing. Last month mil fell out with her son (my husband). Over nothing much, a misunderstanding over email. Mil has now disinherited DH and our kids (her grand kids). So now she’s fallen out with everyone. Even snapped at me when I tried to be diplomatic, she’s never done that before.

We think she’s lonely, grieving and possibly got early signs of dementia. She has a couple of house employees who ‘help’ her. But she’s independent can drivers. They do Cleaning, some meals etc.

We all live several hours from each other, sadly.

I’m sad and astonished she’s cut off all of her grandkids (6). It seems really odd. She was often selfish and had a temper, but never towards them.

I don’t know what to do. Leave her to it? Call her again to discuss why she’s so angry? It feels too much like eastenders to be real, but it is.

YABU - leave her to it

YANBU - try and call her again

How has she cut them off? Has she re-written a will twice?

Nobody has the j right to any inheritance. Leave her to stew in her own juices.
And he glad your dc don't have an awful woman in their lives .

Do you want to talk to her to see if she's ok and help her or do you want to talk you her to try to make her leave her money to you all?

Has she actually rewritten her will twice? I would personally leave her to wallow in her own self pity. I had a MIL like this, if she fell out with her children she’d cut the grandchildren off mine thought she had died as she stopped bothering with them for over a year. Their cousins refused to see her on her death bed etc.
In the end she died after making amends (most likely as she knew she needed everyones help) and nobody was very upset about her death to say the least.

Does she just say/shout "that's it! I'm disinheriting you and your kids!" during a row? Or does she actually go through the rigmarole of seeing a solicitor?

Is there any chance you have the contact details of her employees or neighbours. I'd be worried that her driving is also an issue frankly. It sounds like a potential cognitive decline that could be dangerous.

Otherwise, I'd give her a bit of time to cool off. Maybe send a happy Easter text or similar. Test the waters without investing too heavily. I certainly wouldn't be begging for forgiveness or similar.

That does sound like it could be the early signs of dementia. A similar massive personality shift and was the first sign that my husband’s grandmother had it.

Leave her for a week or so and then call. Ask her what is worrying her. Try listening.

but is she continues to be irrational and demanding, cut her off.

Yes!!! Exactly. “I’ll be calling my legal people in the morning to change the will, and I’m not sending it to anyone” is exactly what she said to DH. Sounds weird writing it, but it’s what happened.

You make it sound like you just want MIL money - is that true?

The former. It’s just weird I’m still shocked. Only the grand kids were ever in the will (now wills).

No. The money is not mine nor has ever been mine.

Yep. I think that’s what I’ll do. She won’t speak to DH at all, didn’t answer his calls.

Greif does awful things to you. Makes you say and act in ways that you just don’t recognise yourself. It’s overwhelming and all encompassing. I’m not making excuses for her, her behaviour is dreadful.

Its lovely that your willing to call again and try to understand rather than cutting her off, which I’m sure feels like the easiest option right now. Riding the grief wave is not easy. I hope she sees sense in a few days.

Yes I’ve heard of it before as well. It’s so sad. And really hard. I wonder if she is a bit aware of it happening so makes her even angrier / sadder.

Leave it with your DH. It's his mother. I would not expect anyone to leave me anything in their will, and certainly not GC, it's usual to leave to DC rather than GC.

Either way, it's nothing to do with you and frankly if you phone her it will look like it is all about the money. He can check on her health if he wishes to.

She may just be saying it, her "legal people" doesn't sound d the normal way to say solicitor, give it a few days then call like others suggest but don't mention the will or money just yet.

Yeah I was thinking about that as well. He won’t ring her again now. He’s tried a few times, written to her as well (email). If I don’t that’s that. It seems wrong. And inconceivable to the way things were a few yrs ago.

I wonder what percentage of people actually follow through on a remark like that, rather than simply venting their upset in the moment and then doing nothing.

To those asking if she has genuinely re-written her will twice - very plausible. My dad was at the lawyers so often to change his that I lose count!!

Forget all the talk of inheritance, I think women of this generation use it as a weapon because they may have had DHs who organised everything, and it's a way of trying to exert control. We had this constantly from MIL as a threat, but actually she would have been incapable to going to her solicitor and actually changing anything as she too was suffering from dementia. It's almost certainly just talk.

The fact is you have an elderly relative who is vulnerable, but difficult, what are you going to do. Well, been there, done that. We took the view that you just have to get on and do it. It's stressful, difficult, we got little in the way of thanks or gratitude, almost brought us to our knees at times, but we felt we had to do it and we got through it.

Some people walk away, and due to some pretty awful treatment too. Only you can decide what to do for the best.

Finally, I don't understand why people assume that DGKs would be left anything, I think it's normal (and easier) to just leave it to the next generation. I was never left anything by my grandparents and I know that my DF hasn't left anything to my DS, even though he adores him. His estate will be split between me and my brother when the time comes.

I hope you manage to build bridges OP. Years ago we had a close family friend who had no family after her husband died. She wanted to leave everything to my brother and me. We asked if she was sure…. What about other friends or charities? No she was adamant. The will was written.

We don’t live close and essentially the other people she specifically did not want to get her money, wriggled in. She stopped speaking to us and refused to take calls or see us….. she would be 100 now. I hope the others did look after her….

It doesn’t quite work like that. DH and I made our very simple wills a couple of years ago basically leaving everything split equally between our DC’s.
We had to go in and see the solicitor twice and it took about three months.
Sounds like early signs of dementia to me to; I would be concerned.

How old are the grandchildren? Obviously I don't advise using a 5 year old to sadface guilt trip her, but if you have a sensible 15/16 year old to whom you can say that Granny is behaving a bit unusually and you're worried about her health, would they be able to ring her directly and just chat to her - if she's always got on well with them it could help just keeping a line of communication open.

I would still leave the dust settle for a few weeks anyway- it might be that after a month of no contact from her family she will be reconsidering her comments anyway. Then if grandchild just rings with a random pretense "I wanted to tell you about the good mark I got in school/goal I scored in football"/just wanted to wish you happy Easter l, or whatever.

No mention of any money from anyone, just hopefully a way to make sure shes not completely cut off from her family. I can't imagine she wants that either. It's possible if it is dementia it's representing itself at paranoia that everyone only wants her for her money.

Have you got POA (or any of the siblings)?

Might be hard to get it now as she won't trust you