AIBU to call MIL again after she disinherited all grandkids?

[Namechangdforthis]

It’s an inheritance one. My fil died a few years ago. My mil almost immediately fell out with sil (her daughter). And ‘disinherited’ her and her kids. They had an argument about fil health and premature death. Mil blamed sil. Didn’t go down well. Meanwhile we’ve trundled along trying to keep the peace but failing. Last month mil fell out with her son (my husband). Over nothing much, a misunderstanding over email. Mil has now disinherited DH and our kids (her grand kids). So now she’s fallen out with everyone. Even snapped at me when I tried to be diplomatic, she’s never done that before.

We think she’s lonely, grieving and possibly got early signs of dementia. She has a couple of house employees who ‘help’ her. But she’s independent can drivers. They do Cleaning, some meals etc.

We all live several hours from each other, sadly.

I’m sad and astonished she’s cut off all of her grandkids (6). It seems really odd. She was often selfish and had a temper, but never towards them.

I don’t know what to do. Leave her to it? Call her again to discuss why she’s so angry? It feels too much like eastenders to be real, but it is.

YABU - leave her to it

YANBU - try and call her again

This !

Are you genuinely concerned about her welfare ior do you just want her money ?

If you’re concerned about her, call her and ask how she is. Can you help her in any way.? Take her out for a coffee.
Don’t mention the inheritance.

Because it avoids tax. If you’re just going to spend it on your kids anyway, they might as well leave it directly too them for uni etc

It’s because you’re mentioning an inheritance and it comes across as though you’re bothered your children and DH will not receive it so that’s why you want to make up

If you know contact details of any of her friends and/or neighbours I would have a quiet word with them and ask if they have noticed any changes in behaviour.
If they have I would flag up to her GP and ask if they could call her to a face to face appointment. They may not agree but at least you would know you have tried.
The difficulty is that the best way of noticing changes in behaviour is to spend time with the person and that is not easy right now.
Your partner as her son can act as next of kin and if he has siblings they can co-ordinate being pro-active.It would be wrong to abandon her. If she recognises changes she may be very scared and unable to admit it to herself let alone others.
Your compassion and wish to reach out is commendable.
I had a close friend who unexpectedly ended a 55 year old close friendship in 2019.I reached out to him in 2020 and we kept in touch. By 2022 we had rekindled the friendship but when I went with him to a music festival I noticed physical and personality changes and luckily he agreed to see his GP and I offered him my support. He was eventually diagnosed with a rare degenerative disease with dementia like symptoms and died 12 months later.

Were you equally as concerned for her wellbeing when she disinherited SIL but not you? The way you've described it makes it sound as though you are more concerned about inheritance than for her health.

I'd leave it. It's up to her who she leaves money to. I don't understand people who seem to expect to be left/have their kids left things. I've never talked to either parent about their will and I wouldn't dream of doing so, unless they started a conversation about it. It's their business.

I would pop in with something like a plant (preferably one that you could have grown, like a seedling) or some biscuits. And just chat gently about inconsequential things, talk about her husband and the past, memories, photos. Ignore the rows. Don’t ask questions, make statements (so, not ‘do you remember going to Tenby with the kids?’ but ‘when we went to Tenby that time, Dad was so lovely with the kids. I thought we’d never get him off the beach’ and see what response you get. So she can contribute if she’s able but isn’t under pressure and it doesn’t cause a breakdown if she can’t recall anything, you just keep chatting).

If she’s struggling with dementia and grief then communication by phone/email may be much harder for her - she might not really understand, even if she pretends she does, or she’d react to individual words, but it will be much more about how she’s feeling.. I’d aim just to be a familiar friendly non-stressful face at the moment.

My Mum used to say this all the time. ‘Right, that’s you out of my will’. For any small or perceived slight.

She never amended it and has since spent all of it.

I'm going to sound like a horrible mercenary but if she's a multi millionaire I'd go and try and sort it with her, and hope she leaves her fortune between her six grandchildren. If she's worth about 10k I'd leave her to it, and not bother!!!!

Im afraid I havent read all the posts, but my thoughts are as follows. I agree with others that she doesnt have to leave the family anything.

Irrespective of whether the grand children are in or cut out of the will I think I would let things cool down for a few days and then get back in touch with her. If your husband & SiL love their mum then maybe invite her to something low key with your husband and your SiL (no children), that commorates her husband. A memorial bench or something along those lines, so the 3 of them can mourn him together. Or maybe a meal of his favourite dishes and stories about him. Id leave the Will thing out of it completely. The 3 of them need something that opens up communication between them to hopefully heal breaches but also give a chance to see if there are noticeable differences in her behaviour, speech, cognition.

Ive previously worked in bereavement counselling & I work in healthcare often with MH and Dementia patients, so Im looking at this from that viewpoint.

How old is your MiL? Has she always been prone to falling out with family & emotional outbursts?
If this is unusual behaviour, then I would definitely think the bereavement is affecting her, she may need CRUSE counselling. But it also could well be Altzheimers or dementia, and apart from the emotional loss she has suffered, the loss of having her husband in her daily routine may well be exposing dementia issues that were previously masked.

Ive seen people in early 70s develop dementia, or those who have had strokes, emotional trauma, Parkinsons etc. Its not just the very elderly who can have that problem. Infections - kidney or urinary can also cause changes in behaviour.

Whether its grief or dementia I think I would be trying to rebuild the relationship, get some advice re her emotional and physical condition and if you think there are issues then flag to her GP and Social Services MH Crisis Team (who wont probably give feedback but will look into it).

Your MIL is now completely isolated. Whether it's dementia, grief or just her getting older she's extremely vulnerable in all sorts of ways- physically, emotionally and financially.

I'd suggest the following-

-Your DH should go and see her in person after a day or two. Don't say anything about the inheritance. Try to rebuild the relationship and understand how she is coping with life. Involve SIL if she is willing. It is terribly sad for a family to fall apart like this and the young people with lots of support themselves are the ones who need to bite the bullet, even if they are (perfectly reasonably) hurt and angry.

• If you think she has any kind of cognitive impairment, speak to her GP. They can listen to your concerns even if they can't tell you anything in return.

-If you know who her solicitor is, I would also flag your concerns to them, -Does she have any friends you could speak to? -Dementia or not, if you are concerned about her being taken advantage of financially, you can also flag that to the doctor and to her solicitor. You may also be able to flag this to her bank- not sure how this works.

Great post @GeniusofShakespeare . Constructive and compassionate.

um...what?

Scottish law prevents this sort of disinheritance @latetothefisting