AIBU to call MIL again after she disinherited all grandkids?

[Namechangdforthis]

It’s an inheritance one. My fil died a few years ago. My mil almost immediately fell out with sil (her daughter). And ‘disinherited’ her and her kids. They had an argument about fil health and premature death. Mil blamed sil. Didn’t go down well. Meanwhile we’ve trundled along trying to keep the peace but failing. Last month mil fell out with her son (my husband). Over nothing much, a misunderstanding over email. Mil has now disinherited DH and our kids (her grand kids). So now she’s fallen out with everyone. Even snapped at me when I tried to be diplomatic, she’s never done that before.

We think she’s lonely, grieving and possibly got early signs of dementia. She has a couple of house employees who ‘help’ her. But she’s independent can drivers. They do Cleaning, some meals etc.

We all live several hours from each other, sadly.

I’m sad and astonished she’s cut off all of her grandkids (6). It seems really odd. She was often selfish and had a temper, but never towards them.

I don’t know what to do. Leave her to it? Call her again to discuss why she’s so angry? It feels too much like eastenders to be real, but it is.

YABU - leave her to it

YANBU - try and call her again

I think if she'll still speak to you then I'd give her a call next week to see how she is. If she's showing signs of dementia and there's a risk of elder abuse from carers (not saying that is the case but there is always a risk especially if there's now no family involvement) then it might be worth having someone looking out for her or flagging to her GP that there are concerns about her health.

Nope. I feel no shame at that. Grief is no excuse to use grandchildren to punish their parent.

Inheritance aside if you care for her wellbeing yes you should try to get in touch again, but if she doesn't want to engage you'll have to accept it and move on.

I would pursue this with her, as it is so out of character - face to face would much be better if there's any chance you could do that - and maybe just you not your DH.

I would approach it from the "I'm not querying what you've done, I'm concerned why you've done it" .

Ask if she is angry at your DH and SIL about something and sees disinheriting their children as "punishing" them, or is she feeling cut off from the family since the husband's death and is expressing like this?

These are possibilities but the more worrying scenario is that her "home helps" have influenced her and/or that she is in the early stages of Dementia.

It's a horrible situation as you are clueless as to her reasons and communications have broken down. I really do think for peace of mind and to be sure of her wellbeing you have to get to the bottom of what's going on.

But her grandkids aren't owed money from her when she passes on? How do they know there will even be any left? It sounds so transparently money grabbing.

Of course you don't try and speak to her to try and extract money from her for your offspring. She's alive and her money is her own business.

I don't know why some people talk about their wills or inheritance before they pass. They should tell one person who they trust where to find the will and that's it.

It's not actual real money that you can be expecting to rely on. Many people never even had grandparents who were alive? She owes nothing to anyone.

Agree with previous post. I’d consider the worst 1) she has dementia ( falling out with people and paranoia is a sadly common occurrence) 2) the home helps are exerting pressure on her, maybe to include them in her will. This sounds difficult.

So glad I’m Scottish when I read threads like this

Is it possible that she has always been erratic and difficult, but your FIL kept her in check during his lifetime?

Lots of different possibilities here that people have raised. In the end, it sounds questionable whether you'll even have the option of getting in touch with her. If she refuses your DH's calls then she may refuse yours.

The phones work in both directions. So she can still get in touch with you, if she wants to.

She will die a lonely, old woman OP.

I would want to have an idea what's going on, so yes, I'd try to get in touch with MIL.

She's a potentially vulnerable old (?) woman, who's cut off her children, lonely, isolated, with two employees around who may or may not have her best interests at heart...In your shoes I wouldn't like the sound of it one bit.

Do you think she actually did it?
there was someone in my family who consistently said to one or all of her kids that she would cut them out of her will. When she died, her bungalow was simply split between her kids.

This doesn’t seem right does it. If this was my mum I’d be going to a local hotel and trying to get a one to one calm chat with her over a couple of days. If I was sent away by her “staff” I’d contact police for a welfare check.

She’s obviously got a perfect right to cut off contact with anyone but it’s very unusual for an elderly lady to specifically not want to see or hear from all her grandchildren and I wouldn’t be trusting phone or letters - I’d want to get eyes on her.

Why did she blame SIL by the way?

This. Old people get very self centred. Has she really changed her will multiple times? Or is it just an elderly person lashing out?

Op you sound like a nice person to not immediately respond in kind with a knee jerk reaction. If as you say she is grieving, lonely and having early stage dementia to be honest for now I would not do anything but just continue talking to her as you normally would.
Have you seen a new will? Or could it just be something she said in the heat of the moment? I think being old and suddenly alone can be a very scary place especially if sometimes your cognitive ability seems to be failing you. Maybe she feels helpless and is using the only thing she has still got to feel like she has got some control?

If she really has written a new will I wonder who is inheriting if she has disinherited all her kids?

What generation? Nowhere is her age mentioned. Presuming her husband organised everything is patronising.

Has she watched a lot of Agatha Christie programmes, it sounds like what's said in those programmes but the person is murdered during the night!

I think you and ultimately your dh should be trying to build bridges if she's isolated and especially if you think this is dementia creeping in as opposed to her just having a spiteful personality.

Obviously these can be really difficult to tell apart but if you think there's a chance this behaviour is as a result of pain and vulnerability then I personally would keep trying to reach out. Losing a spouse you've been with a lifetime can really rock an older person's world especially if they aren't as resilient as they used to be.

If you know her GP your husband can email them saying that there are concerns health wise and ask their advice. At least you will have formally raised the issue of mental capacity.

If you know who her normal ‘legal people’ are, is it worth contacting them to try and see if her ‘employees’ have maybe moved her to a more compliant legal person ie one who will do her employees’ bidding? It’s sadly a common scenario… I fear she is vulnerable being taken advantage of.

That was my first thought too!

When was the alst time either your family or SILs family made an effort to go and see her? Maybe she is upset no one makes an effort.

We went and collected her for Xmas at our house for a few days. Then took her back. She drives but DH was happy to do that.

Perhaps that says more about you, than me?

My ex’s gran did this a lot. Someone would upset her and she’d rewrite her will. She’d leave the old ones about the place will “null and void” written across them in red pen for people to find- presumably so they could report back to other people. In the end, probably because she did it so many times there was no will at all to go by when she did die.

Yes, she had dementia- it’s what killed her in the end. But the whole family was inheritance obsessed- there was a lot of ugly behaviour from all of them and the constant rewriting of the will was an early symptom of the dementia. But no one realised because of the obsession from all of them.

I’d try to keep the lines of communication open with your MIL but don’t beat yourself up if she won’t.

I agree