AIBU to call MIL again after she disinherited all grandkids?

[Namechangdforthis]

It’s an inheritance one. My fil died a few years ago. My mil almost immediately fell out with sil (her daughter). And ‘disinherited’ her and her kids. They had an argument about fil health and premature death. Mil blamed sil. Didn’t go down well. Meanwhile we’ve trundled along trying to keep the peace but failing. Last month mil fell out with her son (my husband). Over nothing much, a misunderstanding over email. Mil has now disinherited DH and our kids (her grand kids). So now she’s fallen out with everyone. Even snapped at me when I tried to be diplomatic, she’s never done that before.

We think she’s lonely, grieving and possibly got early signs of dementia. She has a couple of house employees who ‘help’ her. But she’s independent can drivers. They do Cleaning, some meals etc.

We all live several hours from each other, sadly.

I’m sad and astonished she’s cut off all of her grandkids (6). It seems really odd. She was often selfish and had a temper, but never towards them.

I don’t know what to do. Leave her to it? Call her again to discuss why she’s so angry? It feels too much like eastenders to be real, but it is.

YABU - leave her to it

YANBU - try and call her again

It is unlikely she actually followed through though. It is a complete faff and she would need to get it all witnessed etc.

And if she isn’t leaving everything to family then what is she doing?

However, if the only reason to contact her is about money then you are as bad as she is.

Did she really write everyone out of her Will?? Have you seen the proof? If she's got early signs of dementia she may just be misremembering. A minefield for you all.

Her choice. You are best to let it lie. Are you more worried about not getting any money or more worried about her health and having a decent relax with her. It's just on MN every post like this is about £££££.

Do you know any of her friends that you could ask to check in on her. Seems there's more to this than a hissy fit. She may have said she's changing her will but not done it and I would be worried about coercion if the staff are not known to you. Why don't you go old school and write a letter, by hand. Post it to her first class. Only tell her about day to day things and that you miss her and hope she is well.

I would actually drive up and stay locally and turn up the next day at 10 am with large flowers and a cock and bull story about seeing someone nearby eg old school friend who had cancelled so I had a few minutes and decided to pop in and ‘was she available for lunch’ before I headed home and awfully sorry to bother you etc - it will let you see the state of her, her home and everything. If it is a no, ask to do a food shop before you head off. And go.

What was the argument regarding the email, could it have been caused by her not processing the information or something along those lines. If so this could be another sign of dementia. My DM started lashing out and having massive arguments with people a few years before we knew she had it.
Honestly my concern wouldn’t be the will but getting PoA in place.

This lady is struggling after the death of her dh and unfortunately taking it out on everyone else. Its such a shame, please don't be annoyed with her, although l do appreciate it's easy for me to say... Grief shows itself in many ways, just let her know, you will always be there for her. Trust me, she is really suffering

Not your money . People can do whatever they want with it. Parents are not entitled to leave possession or money to their kids or grandkids. They never work for it at all. I'm not expecting absolutely anything from my parents or my husband's side. We have never asked either. They gave us a great top education which has made us provide for our kid.

"She was often selfish and had a temper, but never towards them"

This made me laugh, what are you so concerned about calling her unless you just want to protect thr inheritance for your DH and children.

I would do a one last chance in person conversation.
Be prepared for it to be thrown in your face BUT start off by telling her it’s a shame her grandchildren won’t know her and go from there.

Bet she didn’t though.

Are you worried about her? It’s difficult to help someone who doesn’t yet realise they might need help.

Who are the people that are working for her ? Are they trustworthy? It’s easy to take advantage of someone vunerable and they may be influencing her decisions. Have you checked them out ?

sympathies OP. Old people really are difficult. Terrible she would choose to leave her wealth if any of it is left after her soon to be expensive dementia care to anyone but her offspring. Why leave it to a carer who is a paid employee?? Why shouldn’t you DH SIL be concerned about who might be influencing her? Surely your FIL wouldn’t want his wealth to go to anyone but his offspring. Call her visit her keep an eye on her and everyone around her.

Anyone else routing for the hired help to get all the money…

My FiL is going this way. Got divorced and says he has cut off one of the kids and grandkids from his will. My DP has basically called his bluff, says it's FiL's money and he can do what he likes, and that the DP is looking forward to seeing his DF again when he isn't ranting about one of the other kids. No idea when, if ever, FiL will be back on an even keel mentally :/

We had a relative who did this it went on for decades.

They die with about 15 wills ALL UNSIGNED!?!?!?!

I cant even pretend to understand the mindset

Could she still be grieving?
Have any of you seen her in person since her husband passed?
An older person may prefer a hand written letter, a phone and/or human presence rather than emails. Could she be frustrated over technology that makes her feel out of her depth?
How close is she to those that are helping her at home? Do you know them, ever met them? Could be coercive interactions, but maybe I watch too many crime documentaries 🤔

It reads like she needs help. If you can reach out to her, successfully, grief counseling would be in order. You will have to do this in person. Maybe there's a good friend or clergy person who can speak to her?

If you're in the UK wills are posted online. You'll see it once she's passed away - not sure you can see it before then though.

I personally would ask if she needs anything and leave her to decide what to do with her money.

‘MIL disinherited her grandkids’

not MIL has cut contact

says it all really, shows hows concerned you about her money

hope you dont get anything

There are always people who will be judgemental. Good for you not getting into an argument about it and just calling it as it is.

It sounds as if your MIL was unable to deal with FIL's death and took it out on your SIL originally. She probably feels guilty about that, but even if she doesn't it obviously didn't help her grief and she's probably only lashing out at your DH because she still can't deal with the overwhelming grief. I wonder if it might be better to write to her about the falling out with her children and let her know you're worried about her welfare. Maybe don't mention disinheriting the grandchildren, although it is sad she would take it out on them and seems strange behaviour. I'm sure she's only saying it to lash out anyway. You also don't want anything that can be twisted by people she has in her house. To me that's a big worry, as you say this is out of character for her and it makes you wonder who has her ear. I hope it works out for all of you, it will be very lonely for your MIL if she continues to push everyone away.

To be fair, your first sentence is “it’s an inheritance one” and your title is about inheritance. Seems a valid thought that you
sre mainly worried about inheritance.

You last saw her at Christmas?
3 months ago?

No. As someone who lost their mum to dementia, I’m as sure as I can be that she had precious items stolen by carers that visited twice a day. It would never be proven though. Whilst there are many people who do wonderful care work, there are also those that exploit vulnerability. So, I hope woman makes amends with her family and the employed helpers get their wages as intended.

Despite what I’ve just said above, OP, your MILs behaviour resembles nothing like the early stages of dementia (or middle or late tbh) that I saw. Just thought I would point that out in the interests of balance. However she does sound very unhappy and wanting to lash out.

I would actually go and visit her, spend some time with her and not mention inheritance.

It has nothing whatsoever to do with you. Just keep out of it.