AIBU to call MIL again after she disinherited all grandkids?

[Namechangdforthis]

It’s an inheritance one. My fil died a few years ago. My mil almost immediately fell out with sil (her daughter). And ‘disinherited’ her and her kids. They had an argument about fil health and premature death. Mil blamed sil. Didn’t go down well. Meanwhile we’ve trundled along trying to keep the peace but failing. Last month mil fell out with her son (my husband). Over nothing much, a misunderstanding over email. Mil has now disinherited DH and our kids (her grand kids). So now she’s fallen out with everyone. Even snapped at me when I tried to be diplomatic, she’s never done that before.

We think she’s lonely, grieving and possibly got early signs of dementia. She has a couple of house employees who ‘help’ her. But she’s independent can drivers. They do Cleaning, some meals etc.

We all live several hours from each other, sadly.

I’m sad and astonished she’s cut off all of her grandkids (6). It seems really odd. She was often selfish and had a temper, but never towards them.

I don’t know what to do. Leave her to it? Call her again to discuss why she’s so angry? It feels too much like eastenders to be real, but it is.

YABU - leave her to it

YANBU - try and call her again

{s it inheritance week on Mumsnet? So many threads about inheritance, and entitled people wanting to claim their share before the person leaving the money actually dies.

I would turn up at her house and talk to her gently in person. It could be grief, she is angry with everyone and so acting irrationally. It could be dementia (how old is she ?) . It’s so irrational to cut off all your loved ones over very minor disagreements, that there is clearly something wrong.

Has she cut the gc out of her life or just out of her will?

Can't you just leave the will out of it and try to have a better relationship with her regardless?

it can. Late DH and I wrote our wills and got them signed and witnessed over around 4 days because we needed to. The lovely solicitor understood our circumstances and said that if we needed to change anything quickly after our circumstances changed again, we could just go in and it could be done there and then. He said while its still possible to add codicils, because wills are now written on computers and a digital copy is stored (it means nothing, its not signed or witnessed) its very easy to make changes. This was some 16 years ago.

Seriously?? You'd want to continue a relationship with someone who had made the point of cutting their grandchildren out of their will just to spite their dad? I wouldnt bother.

You are on Mumsnet so I assume that there is a good chance you have children? If so don’t you want them to inherit your house and any money?
I spend loads on my adult’s children already but I also hope there will be something left for them when I am gone and it’s not all been spent on care home fees.
Provided they don’t bump me off for the money I have told them to scatter my ashes in the Caribbean, I don’t want my remains on a cold hill in the Uk.

Legally they may have a claim if the husbands money went to the wife.

I wonder if it might be an idea for either of her children to contact her GP and say that they're concerned about her behaviour and possible signs of dementia.

A lot of replies are talking about the will but as I read it the will isn't your main concern. You're concerned that she's cutting people out of her life. The will is just the tool she's using to do it.

I would leave it to your husband and his sister, it’s their issue, she’s their mother.

Namechangdforthis
Leave her be
If she's disinherited everyone that's her choice
Remember to some that money = power over people/scenarios
And she's not being fleeced by her carers So no problem there
And as you yourself said she has a temper combined with a selfish streak.....
Who says the GC would've got anything anyway?

I very much doubt she has rewritten her will twice in a short space of time, it sounds like she’s saying it for dramatic effect.
My Grandmother used to say it all the time, everytime we didn’t agree or tried to stick up for ourselves we were going to be ‘cut out of the will’.
We didn’t much care and told her to crack her, if she had done it every time she had threatened whoever was rewriting each time would have been able to take early retirement based on the fees!
My Grandma was a proper matriarch of the family, grew up in poverty and worked hard, multiple jobs to send some of her children to Grammar School/pay for uniforms as she was widowed in her 40’s.
Because she had always been in charge she liked to control and have her say, and that’s why she was a tricky lady to get on with.
I would take what she is saying with a pinch of salt, keep an eye on her if she’ll let you and don’t worry about the inheritance.
Has she always been a bit tricky or only since losing your FIL?

What's a "house employee"?

Sorry if i've got the wrong end of the stick but I've never heard that term before.

If you aren't in the UK ("house employee"?) it will limit the usefulness to you of replies

I know a PP said her she was told a change in will would be easy but this is not my experience. My grandmother changed hers a couple years ago and it required multiple meetings in person with her lawyer to discuss the changes, review new will, have it officially signed. This is not something that would have been done on the phone.

Also, for mine it took a very long meeting, reviewing documents via online portal and then again in person with our lawyer and signing paperwork.

I would assume she’s just saying she is taking them out of the will as punishment but it’s actually following through.

This may be completely wrong OP but how well do you know the "house help"?

I know of an ex friends family member who started to behave a bit like this. Cutting of close family members for what seemed like zero reason. It was discovered that the "friend" that was helping them often was actually drip feeding stuff like the family didn't care, weren't there as often as she was, obviously didn't give a shit about them. Almost like an abusive relationship, isolating from the family etc. The family had been present but all had young families and FT jobs. They did keep in regular contact though and somebody popped in every few days.

Turns out is was all grooming for financial gain. Family member bought them ("friend") a car, paid for a holiday for them as apparently the needed a break, always paid for lunch etc if "friend" took them out and a large cash xmas gift.

I went NC with my friend so I have no idea how it ended. I wouldn't be surprised if the will had been changed.

The inheritance stuff is irrelevant really except in the context of potentially indicating a cognitive issue along with other indicators. If you're worried then discuss that with your DH and let him deal with it. Leave the will out of it.

OP,
Is there much jnheritance involved?
She sounds vulnerable and could be open to manipulation.
It is far more common than you realise when family are not nearby, sadly.

If it's substantial, then absolutely it could be a possibility that someone is winding her up.

Being of a nasty suspicious nature, personally I’d be a mite concerned in case her ‘helpers’ are ingratiating themselves with her, in order to be included in her will instead of family.

It’s hardly unknown!

If you suspect dementia, a diagnosis would be some sort of defence against this sort of thing, though that is an awful lot easier said than done, I know.

When my DC were small, my DM told me she wasn't leaving her money to me and DB but rather to me and to DB's DDs because DB was being rather profligate with his money. DM told me because her solicitor said "you do what you want but I suggest you tell people so they don't get a horrible shock when you die, cause arguments etc.".
I think my DM executor is still my uncle (my age not her age) but I don't know if she's changed her will, it is possible she's reversed her decision and has now cut me off because I am very LC after she was incredibly rude to me (over years) and DS (increasing over the years, culminating in refusing to get in the car with him while she was staying with us).

If you know who her executor is, it might be worth having a word with them just to say "we believe this is the situation, that's fine, we will [or won't] come to the funeral, but we thought you should know we already know this". They won't tell you what it is, but so they are not worried that it will come as a shock to you.

I would be concerned that "carers" are manipulating her. I would turn up unannounced at a time they are expected to be at her house.
I'm also concerned that she is driving if she has dementia.

Is she being influenced by someone? Who inherits now?

Really? Shame on you then.

@Namechangdforthis if this is out of character then I'd be concerned for her. Extreme anger and impulsive/irrational behaviour was the first sign of dementia in my father. Equally grief can really mess with a person's emotions.

I’d be worried that she’s got dementia. I’d be worried that her ‘house employees’ will coerce her into re-writing her will. Has she left her will with a solicitor? Does anyone have POA? On her death, if her solicitor has the will, it is easy enough to find if registered, but meanwhile, she’s cut off her children and grandchildren, leaving her vulnerable to god knows what behaviour by her employees.

I think it's reasonable to be concerned that the MIL may disinherit her family, it's not crass or greedy to expect that money/property would be left to family.

Thanks to my share of my parents house, I've paid off my mortgage, and my kids will get my house when I'm gone. We're lucky as a family to be able to do this, and my kids know that they get to share proceedes from my house when I'm dead.

I'd be concerned that MIL may leave it to the carers she has visiting her, and that they could be encouraging her to do this.

Even if she's ill? Going downhill mentally?

How well do you know her helpers? Is it possible they are somehow trying to alienate her from family?