AIBU to feel uneasy about DH’s close friendship with another mum?

[Underbeliever]

Hi all, my DH and I have one daughter, she has just turned 5 and is in reception. Since Christmas we changed up our working hours, now DH finishes early on a Wednesday and Friday, these are the days DD has gymnastics and swimming so DH gets her from school and takes her straight on to them.
The issue is I feel he has developed a close friendship that feels somewhat too close to me with another parent.
This other parent is a bit younger than most of the parents of DDs classmates, I don’t know her massively well, she will smile and pass a comment at pick up, I’ve chatted to her a little at the big class parties but she has her own friends and I do mine. DD has never asked for a play date with her daughter so I’ve never felt the need to get any closer to her than that.
I think she is mid-20s and she is frankly stunning, it’s hard to not see that about her! I also know she is single.

Anyway by sheer coincidence and it’s been this way since the start of the school year when I used to do the Wednesday and Friday pick up, her daughter is in the same gymnastics class and swim lesson group as our DD. For the entire first term we hardly spoke, we would both sit in the viewing area for the swimming and I’d just read my book, we did our drop offs at gymnastics and maybe smiled but nothing more.
Now DH is doing it he seems to have gotten very close to her

1. On a Wednesday our local tennis club has an afternoon social, it’s mainly stay at home mums, retirees and the odd shift worker who might not get to the evening socials. DH and this mum both go to this. It finishes just in time for school pick up
2. While the kids are in gymnastics, they meet up and go to M&S, DH does our mid week shop but they also seem to gran a coffee while they wait, it’s in the same retail park as the gymnastics so I get they may just happen to both be doing the same thing, but this never happened when I was doing the gymnastics run!
3. On a Friday he told me they sit together while the girls do their swimming, taking turns to buy the coffees from the cafe

I still see her the other 3 days of the week on the school run, we still don’t really chat, so it doesn’t feel like it’s just our families getting closer.

Now on Easter Saturday I have a wedding to go to, DD isn’t invited and it’s my old uni friend so we decided DH would just stay home with DD. He has told me he and this mum are going to take the girls to an Easter egg hunt at a national trust site while I’m at the wedding, just them and the kids.

While I don’t think it has turned to anything physical yet, and I do trust DH not to cheat. It does feel like an emotional affair.
Anytime I mention to DH it makes me uncomfortable he says I’m being weird and he is DDs parent too and has just as much right as I do to be friends with her classmates parents, especially in a situation like this where they end up seeing each other incidentally quite often.

AIBU to be uncomfortable with this?

Doormat? So many women seem to put up with any old crap unfortunately. Independence and self esteem in short supply it seems.

Someone who has unproblematic opposite-sex friendships, as does their spouse? Someone who doesn’t believe all opposite-sex friendships are fuelled by the guy wanting to shag the woman? Someone who doesn’t view the opposite sex as purely sex objects?

It's cringe but it's hard to really feel insulted by it. Because yes it is quite cool being in a relationship where jealousy and suspicion don't bubble up any time either of us talks to someone of the opposite sex. It's exactly what I want from a relationship.

Can you imagine a man trying to nip any of your friendships in the bud? What a horrible phrase for a horrible action.

He isn't a possession no but when you are in a committed relationship you consider the other's feelings and you don't go skipping off for days out with people you who might be their lovely person new bff but also had previously made no effort to be bffs with the other parent. That looks a bit weird, no?

So many naive people on here.

No doubt if anyone did come up with an alternative phrase the Cool Wives would object to that one just as vociferously.

I wonder how the cool wives/doormats think affairs start? Do they think one just starts shagging the other person in the office/playground/dog walk/wherever their shiny new friendship has sprung up? Do they really not undertand there is a build up, unusual meet ups that is never in a group it's always a cosy twosome.

I mean fgs. We all have friends we all mix with other people but most of us should have enough braincells to smell a rat.

Of course it's not paronia if you see your life partner sharing a hobby with another woman, going on shopping trips with her, going on coffee dates. And now planning to go out on a family day with her at Easter. These are all things couples do in a relationship. It is lot of time spent together. There are no other adults included in their meet ups.
You would need to be emotionally tone deaf not to see how there are 3 people in OP's marriage now.

I wonder whether the paranoid crew are aware that most "shiny new friendships" don't actually lead to affairs? Some do, sure, but that depends on the morals of the people involved - not the fact of the friendship.

Because yes it is quite cool being in a relationship where jealousy and suspicion don't bubble up any time either of us talks to someone of the opposite sex.

What a silly way to minimise what is happening here.

This situation of OPs has been going on for months and there's nothing to indicate she had an issue with them talking to each other, so your above point is totally moot. And now it's coffee together, then shopping together, then afternoons spent together every week without the kids, now they are planning a family outing together.. which has prompted OP to feel weird about it.

If she was a friend he would be talking about her at home, she would be invited to things they are doing as a family, or vice versa, plans would be made and she would be getting to know OP naturally through him.. their 'friendship' is purely being conducted at times when OP is not available, it is being orchestrated privately away from the marriage.. and when asked about it, he is saying the onus is OP to get to know this woman independent of him.. which is the complete opposite of what you would do if you found a new friend you loved spending time with, you'd want them as part of your life, and your life is being married with a child.

He wants this 'friendship' to be private to him, which is the issue here, I'd be astounded if even 'cool wives' would be okay with all that to be honest. If you genuinely think this is just a 'friendship' you are deluded.

Why is it always a cosy twosome? These desperados who target married people never want to socialise in a group do they?

They don’t, you know. There’s nothing that says ‘relationship’ rather than ‘friendship’ about shopping, shared hobbies, having coffee etc. I regularly do these things with friends of both sexes. Well, not shopping, because that’s a chore, but I have a male friend I regularly go climbing with solo, and several friends of both sexes I’d have a solo coffee or drink with. DH is going to Portugal for a couple of days over Easter with a female friend and her/our kids to see an Arsenal match. No one is shagging anyone.

Mind you, I’m still laughing from being informed by Mn that going to the cinema is ‘date territory’.

Well, not shopping, because that’s a chore, but I have a male friend I regularly go climbing with solo, and several friends of both sexes I’d have a solo coffee or drink with.

Okay, just to make sure we aren't comparing apples and oranges.. this male friend you go climbing with.. (lets assume he is attractive and single) if you went climbing with him one day a week, then went out for coffee with him on another day for an hour just the two of you, then also went shopping with him another day just the two of you, every week the same, then arranged a family day out just you two and your kids while your husband was away.

That is a comparable situation to OPs.

So genuine question, would your husband be okay with that? Would you if the roles were reversed?

I note that you say friends plural.
That you do various activities with different friends
This is not the the case with OP's H. All these activities are taking place with one " friend" to the exclusion of other people
That is a big difference .

And of course what you do in your relationship is entirely up to you and your H. And presumably you are both comfortable with it.

This is not the case in OP's relationship. Her H is behaving in a way not agreed and not normal in their relationship. And even though he knows OP is uncomfortable about the way things are panning out he is not prepared to pull back on his relationship with this OW.

And if your reference to MN viewing going to the cinema as date territory is referring to the particular thread I think it is then the OP's suspicions were right and he was having an affair with his work colleague.

This is just how friendships develop naturally. You get thrown together with someone a few times by circumstance, you enjoy their company, you start to arrange other meetings. That is par for the course with almost every friend I've made in my adult life, men as well as women.

And when you're in a relationship it's even more natural to make "non-relationship" friends with the people you end up hanging out with when your partner's not there. DP and I are into different sports and a couple of different music genres. I've made friends in my particular scenes who he barely knows, because I mostly see them at gigs and matches. I've also socialised with them outside of gigs and matches - in fact, most likely when DP is doing something else and I'm at a loose end - because I like them. Some of them are even men!!!

This is how friendships work.

Sure. I mean, it’ would be unlikely to happen, as I have a lot of friends and wouldn’t opt to see a single person that frequently in so short a space of time, but I originally know the climbing friend because our sons were friends at primary, and as he lived close by and was divorced, so he had his son solo at weekends, and DH has a job that involves working weekends, we did default to spending a lot of time together on weekends at one point. And yes, he’s attractive and he was single at the time. DH had no issue with it. Why would he? I wasn’t having sex with the guy or enthralled by his good looks. He’s a good friend, but I think he was a dreadful husband.

Exactly. DH would rather saw his own arm off than climb a mountain. I feel similarly about football. We’re both pleased the other has someone who’s really into those things.

Yes this. If it was about the kids he would choose someone your dd was properly friends with. He wants to spend time with this woman. The fact that’s she’s stunning and single has everything to do with this, it’s why he wants to spend time with her.
I would not be ok with this and I don’t know anyone in real life who would be. Same as my dh would wonder why I was spending lots of time with a single very handsome dad who my child wasn’t friends with.

He wants to spend time with this woman.

Obviously. Again, this is how friendships work.

The fact that’s she’s stunning and single has everything to do with this, it’s why he wants to spend time with her.

This is the batshit bit. Everything has to be sexualised for the paranoid crew. To you lot, men only think about sex, and if a woman has the temerity to be stunning then she can't have anything else to offer. Platonic conversation about parenting or tennis (to choose the two obvious things they have in common) simply doesn't exist.

'Platonic conversation about parenting or tennis (to choose the two obvious things they have in common) simply doesn't exist'

Funny how she wasn't interested in these lovely chats when it was the op doing gym and swim runs isn't it.

The doormat crew on here so happy to accept any old crap as long as the mortgage is paid.

They'll be off away for the weekend to a romantic hotel and you'll be saying that's lovely that's what friends do, silly! .

I know how friendships work, but what you are describing above isn't really comparable to what OPs situation.

For instance I have a single male friend I go to gigs with, my DH isn't into the same music, and we socialise outside of that too.. sometimes meet up for a drink etc, I pop in to have a cuppa with him or he comes to me, the difference is I'm not seeing him 3 times a week, every week just us two by ourselves, and also taking it upon myself to make plans to spend family time with him (events which I would usually go to with my husband).

He also socialises with us as a couple when we have events at our house, he knows my DH and my DH knows him, not very well, my friends don't become 'our' friends, but the transparency in which our friendship is conducted doesn't phase my husband at all, I give him to reason to doubt my priorities or loyalty.

And besides all that, if my husband was concerned about any of my friendships I'd ask why and we'd talk about it, I'd look at it from his perspective and if there was anything I would be uncomfortable if the roles were reversed I'd look at changing things up. I certainly wouldn't fob him off, be annoyed at his discomfort, guilt trip him, and tell him it's up to him to get to know my friend better by himself if he has doubts about them/us.

Sure. I mean, it’ would be unlikely to happen, as I have a lot of friends and wouldn’t opt to see a single person that frequently in so short a space of time,

This is it though, exactly this, most people wouldn't socialise with one person outside of the relationship that much, AND be pushing for more time with them, while planning for it to be exclusively away from the marriage.

I personally think this is more than a friendship, I wouldn't jump straight to sex, but potentially an emotional affair is nothing else, he wants to spend more time with her than he is now (he already sees her three times a week just the two of them) and she is pushing for that too.. playing devils advocate, she may be pushing for it as he is off limits and 'safe' because he is married and likes the attention he gives her, and he is having some need met by spending time with her, potentially the same, feeling wanted or needed.. either way they both obviously want more and they don't care that OP is showing concern about it:

An emotional affair is a non-physical, intimate relationship with someone outside a primary partnership that mimics the emotional closeness of a romantic bond. It involves sharing deep, personal feelings and seeking validation from this person instead of a partner, often characterised by secrecy, intense, frequent communication, and emotional distance from one's partner.

@SandyHappy
That is such a good explanation of an emotional affair.

It's one of mysteries of MN to me that the pp usually described as Cool wives seem to have a total blind spot in them that refuses to recognise the concept of emotional affairs. They are only capable of acknowledging the existence of friendship or of physical cheating. And totally refuse to see that emotional infidelity can and does exist.

That makes no sense. The OP and her DH are two different people. The other mother likes the OP's DH and either isn't keen on the OP, or just doesn't really know her. And that's fine. Different people like different people. I didn't sign up to have my friendships need to be the exact same as DH's when I married him.

Decent men don’t put themselves in these situations in the first place much less seek them out. In my twenties I had a lovely male friend who was gorgeous. He was devoted to his long term girlfriend they were engaged.

He came to a party at my flat and a friend of my sisters was there. She is absolutely beautiful successful every man fancied her. She looked like a more beautiful version of his girlfriend. She was recently single. She and my friend were in deep conversation all evening.

Then he came over to me and said “maybe in another lifetime. I need to leave now”. And he did. That’s how a lovely man behaves.

'Emotional affairs' are one of those online pop psychology nonsenses, like 'limerence'. Less emotively, it just means being close to someone, confiding in them, being invested in the relationship. I think because so many posters on Mn struggle with friendships, they don't get that this is a completely normal description of a close friendship, regardless of the sexes of those involved. Good friendships make good marriages, because each spouse has other emotional outlets, other perspectives, other people to spend time with, other people who are deeply fond of them.

My attention/affection/loyalties aren't some tiny cake. My DH doesn't get left without a crumb because I am also invested in other people. There's plenty cake to go round. He is the person I share my life with, my child with, my home with, my body with. There's no replacing that relationship. It's been in existence, happily, since the 1990s. But that doesn't mean I haven't plenty of space for other relationships.

And the territorial 'My life only has one place for an opposite-sex person in it' is frankly loopy, and explains a lot about why so many Mners struggle with their MILs and SILs.