AIBU to feel uneasy about DH’s close friendship with another mum?

[Underbeliever]

Hi all, my DH and I have one daughter, she has just turned 5 and is in reception. Since Christmas we changed up our working hours, now DH finishes early on a Wednesday and Friday, these are the days DD has gymnastics and swimming so DH gets her from school and takes her straight on to them.
The issue is I feel he has developed a close friendship that feels somewhat too close to me with another parent.
This other parent is a bit younger than most of the parents of DDs classmates, I don’t know her massively well, she will smile and pass a comment at pick up, I’ve chatted to her a little at the big class parties but she has her own friends and I do mine. DD has never asked for a play date with her daughter so I’ve never felt the need to get any closer to her than that.
I think she is mid-20s and she is frankly stunning, it’s hard to not see that about her! I also know she is single.

Anyway by sheer coincidence and it’s been this way since the start of the school year when I used to do the Wednesday and Friday pick up, her daughter is in the same gymnastics class and swim lesson group as our DD. For the entire first term we hardly spoke, we would both sit in the viewing area for the swimming and I’d just read my book, we did our drop offs at gymnastics and maybe smiled but nothing more.
Now DH is doing it he seems to have gotten very close to her

1. On a Wednesday our local tennis club has an afternoon social, it’s mainly stay at home mums, retirees and the odd shift worker who might not get to the evening socials. DH and this mum both go to this. It finishes just in time for school pick up
2. While the kids are in gymnastics, they meet up and go to M&S, DH does our mid week shop but they also seem to gran a coffee while they wait, it’s in the same retail park as the gymnastics so I get they may just happen to both be doing the same thing, but this never happened when I was doing the gymnastics run!
3. On a Friday he told me they sit together while the girls do their swimming, taking turns to buy the coffees from the cafe

I still see her the other 3 days of the week on the school run, we still don’t really chat, so it doesn’t feel like it’s just our families getting closer.

Now on Easter Saturday I have a wedding to go to, DD isn’t invited and it’s my old uni friend so we decided DH would just stay home with DD. He has told me he and this mum are going to take the girls to an Easter egg hunt at a national trust site while I’m at the wedding, just them and the kids.

While I don’t think it has turned to anything physical yet, and I do trust DH not to cheat. It does feel like an emotional affair.
Anytime I mention to DH it makes me uncomfortable he says I’m being weird and he is DDs parent too and has just as much right as I do to be friends with her classmates parents, especially in a situation like this where they end up seeing each other incidentally quite often.

AIBU to be uncomfortable with this?

The cynic in me would wonder why all of a sudden she is super friendly when she wasn't interested in having anything to do with you before. I would assume your H has given her the heads up that you weren't happy with their planned Easter meeting and she is doing a PR exercise so that you don't spoil their plans.

Fair enough if you are going to let things take their course OP but I really think you should continue to be very vigilant about their developing close friendship.

I agree and I’d keep my eyes wide open. 👀

I’d imagine it’s because this is the first time I’ve approached her? Perhaps she just didn’t feel confident enough to approach me?

She's confident enough to plan a date with your DH though under the pretence it's for the kids! Nip this in the bud immediately OP.

I think I’m going to trust this for now.

I may have underestimated as to whether the girls are actually close or not. I probably feel more insecure than I should as she’s very pretty and attractive!

But I spoke to my close friends about it and I realised I wouldn’t have an issue if it was a female friend from work or someone I already knew, so this is probably more insecurity than a lack of trust.

It’s wise to be nice and accepting while also keeping an eye.

It wouldn’t be unknown for a love interest to become one of the family so to speak before public moves are made. In fact it’s often easier because then children already know each other and the child knows the new partner. Perfect storm.

Doesn’t mean you have to be standoff ish just aware.

Well that begs the question as to why she wasn't confident approaching you OP doesn't it? She is a very good friend of your DH and mixes with him socially.She knows your Dd. She has no problem making friends with other mums - you say she has a social circle. So why would she be not confident approaching you?

If her friendship with your DH was really for the sake if the children you would expect her to have wanted to make friends with you as well as your DH. Why should you assume it was up to you to make the first move when she has had no problem making moves on your DH.

Honestly OP of course you can take her super friendliness at face value but it smacks so much of an ulterior motive coming at the very time when her friendship with your H is moving up a notch into special.occasion outings with him and at the very time you express concern over their closeness.

Of course you must do as you think fit but please don't be naive. Hiding in plain sight is a real thing and she must know that if it takes being friendly with you to continue her close friendship with your H then that's the route she will take.

Please be vigilant.

Just keep your eyes open OP, and trust your instincts

I have a couple of great male friends. I don't meet them three times a week though, go shopping together or arrange the day out on Easter Sunday. That would be weird!

Well that begs the question as to why she wasn't confident approaching you OP doesn't it? She is a very good friend of your DH and mixes with him socially.She knows your Dd. She has no problem making friends with other mums - you say she has a social circle. So why would she be not confident approaching you?

As per the OP, they didn't interact before because OP chose to read her book instead. I wouldn't approach anyone reading a book. It's not about confidence, it's about politeness.

Of course you must do as you think fit but please don't be naive. Hiding in plain sight is a real thing and she must know that if it takes being friendly with you to continue her close friendship with your H then that's the route she will take.

The MN paranoid crew often get called man-hating but this kind of shit exposes how fully misogynist it is as well. This woman has done nothing untoward but you feel comfortable depicting her as a devious, manipulative hussy.

It's actually disgusting how the paranoid crew seem to have this visceral need to spread their suspicion, even after the OP has come back with a positive update. (No one's saying anything about "trust your gut" now her instinct's telling her nothing's wrong, are they?)

Funny how you blame OP for this womans previous lack of interest in getting to know her . OP said she is SOMETIMES reading a book. She says this woman has akways stood separately. The impression is neither of them have previously made a move to be friendly but you choose to blame the OP.

As for the rest of your post it is dripping with the usual contempt you hold for the majority of MN posters

The fact remains that OP 's H is socialising with this woman three times a week - on at keast 2 of these occasions on a one on one basis The other is at a shared hobby. It sounds as though he probablyy has more down time with this woman than with OP. And now they are going on a family outing together to celebrate Easter. And suddenly when OP expresses unease about the friendship the H does nothing to reassure her and the previously indifferent woman becomes " super friendly".

Despite your views that there is no such thing as an inappropriate friendship, even one as intense as the one between OP's H and this woman, I think any women who values her relationship with her DH or DP would be a fool not to be vigilant. It's not paranoia by any stretch of the imagination not to want to be made a fool of.

Not quite. There's a few reasons:
Exploitation for material resources
He sees her as 'one of the lads'
This is most definitely not the case here though.

Agreed. Again, a lot of Mners appear to struggle with friendships, and it really shows in terms of this kind of default suspicion and hostility.

I mean, people are allowed not to like you. People are also allowed to think ‘Well, maybe I got her wrong’ or ‘Well, Brian is great, so maybe I should make more of an effort with his wife’.

I think that your friends are wrong.

It's Occam's razor always for me in these situations. Always.

Why would a man want to hang around with an attractive young woman that he's not related to?

What's the most obvious answer?

The friendship with the children about how close the children are is irrelevant guff and a red herring.

You need to nip this in the bud.

'Again, a lot of Mners appear to struggle with friendships'

You keep saying this. Just because you may have struggles with friendships doesn't mean everyone else on here does?

Many people will however have been in the position where their dp is nipping off for meets with a 'friend' for it later to be revealed to be something more entirely so that might cloud their judgement.

Anyway this other parent seems to have finally realised you don't just focus on the dad so possibly all will be fine.

Agree. These things will always start with things that have a strong element of plausible deniability. They have to.
They get incrementally more and more intimate.
OP's husband sounds like a gaslighting prick.

Funny how you blame OP for this womans previous lack of interest in getting to know her . OP said she is SOMETIMES reading a book. She says this woman has akways stood separately. The impression is neither of them have previously made a move to be friendly but you choose to blame the OP.

Who is blaming anyone? OP is obviously within her rights to read her book if she doesn't want to make small talk. Equally obviously, the other woman will only strike up a conversation with someone who isn't reading a book, ie the OP's husband. Not because he's a man and she wants to get her claws into him - because he wasn't reading a book and was thus open to having a chat.

Small talk with another parent while at a shared activity for your kids and then an Easter egg hunt is not "intense" social activity, good grief.

That's not Occam's razor. That's your narrow world view based on two assumptions:

All men only think about sex. Nothing else.
All women have to offer is sex. Nothing else.

Shared interests and entertaining conversation that has nothing to do with sex is, in your world, so absurd that you can't even comprehend it. A sad way to live.

@Gloriia, you’re like a dog with a bone. Let it go. Mn has a lot of people with few social competencies, who describe themselves as lonely and friendless. This means that them having no ground for ‘normal’ filters into threads like this.

There’s nothing at all odd in two parents not having had much or any interaction at pickups and drop offs, especially if one of them sometimes reads. Equally, there’s nothing odd in two parents getting on like a house on fire. I made some good friends among the parents of DS’s friendship group. And equally, there’s nothing in the least strange about one parent thinking ‘Well, if we’re all doing something together at Easter, I should get to know Brian’s wife better.’

'you’re like a dog with a bone. Let it go'

You keep saying 'mumsnetters struggle with friendships'. It's not me that's like a dog with a bone. Maybe you're talking about yourself it isn't clear.

People, both men and women struggle with their dp having cosy twosomes that doesn't include them but as I say this other parent seems to have developed some social skills so perhaps it is resolved.

There's a boiling the frog aspect to those affairs that start in plain sight.

Starts off with something seemingly very innocent: chatting with other parent at school gate. OK nothing to see here, move along.
Then, ' oh while we were waiting for kids went for a quick coffee.' Fair enough, seems reasonable.
Then, 'I said I'd give her a lift to school event.' Well hmm why can't somebody else give her a lift? But still within bounds of reasonability.
Then 'her child is interested in this activity so is our's so we'll attend together.' OK well they do know each other quite well now so I suppose it's OK. Still though...

A friendship is now well underway.

Then it'll be a home emergency and dh simply must help as he's an established 'friend'.
Oh he's back really late must have taken longer than they thought to sort out...

You get the drift. It builds and builds and builds.
Eventually, they'll tell you they're going away for the weekend and at this point you're full on what the f---?

But oh no you're totally unreasonable to object at this point. Don't you know how close they've become as friends?!

Oh don't talk nonsense. The most obvious reason a man wants to hang out with an attractive woman he's not related to is because he fancies her.

'Sad way to live' lol. Your extremely pass-agg dig goes right over my head.

And where the heck did I say that all men think about is sex and all women have to offer is sex, anyway? I didn't. Completely fabricated red herrings.

I have never struggled with friendships. I am not talking about myself. It is a noteworthy feature of Mn, how many posters ask on a continual basis how to stop being so lonely, how to make friends, how to make friends after your twenties, why they are never able to convert hobby acquaintances into friends etc etc. I haven't invented it.

I'm making the observation that this blind spot around friendship filters into threads which are ostensibly about something else. As with here. It is completely normal for someone else to like one person in a couple more than they like the other person. We all have friends whose spouses or partners we wouldn't choose to be friends with, but with whom we make an effort for the sake of the friend we value. This is a normal situation.

You still can't comprehend that there are reasons a man might want to hang out with a woman other than that he fancies her. Why is that? Because - yes - you think all men think about is sex and all women have to offer is sex. If you accepted those things aren't true, you could imagine plenty of reasons a man and a woman might strike up a friendship that have nothing to do with sex.

I think it’s nice you approached her but note the fact it was you doing the approaching, not the other way around. I would also be a bit cynical about her being so overly friendly. I think she’s trying to say “don’t worry about me and your DH by the way, look I’m interested in you too- let’s have a play date!”