AIBU to feel uneasy about DH’s close friendship with another mum?

[Underbeliever]

Hi all, my DH and I have one daughter, she has just turned 5 and is in reception. Since Christmas we changed up our working hours, now DH finishes early on a Wednesday and Friday, these are the days DD has gymnastics and swimming so DH gets her from school and takes her straight on to them.
The issue is I feel he has developed a close friendship that feels somewhat too close to me with another parent.
This other parent is a bit younger than most of the parents of DDs classmates, I don’t know her massively well, she will smile and pass a comment at pick up, I’ve chatted to her a little at the big class parties but she has her own friends and I do mine. DD has never asked for a play date with her daughter so I’ve never felt the need to get any closer to her than that.
I think she is mid-20s and she is frankly stunning, it’s hard to not see that about her! I also know she is single.

Anyway by sheer coincidence and it’s been this way since the start of the school year when I used to do the Wednesday and Friday pick up, her daughter is in the same gymnastics class and swim lesson group as our DD. For the entire first term we hardly spoke, we would both sit in the viewing area for the swimming and I’d just read my book, we did our drop offs at gymnastics and maybe smiled but nothing more.
Now DH is doing it he seems to have gotten very close to her

1. On a Wednesday our local tennis club has an afternoon social, it’s mainly stay at home mums, retirees and the odd shift worker who might not get to the evening socials. DH and this mum both go to this. It finishes just in time for school pick up
2. While the kids are in gymnastics, they meet up and go to M&S, DH does our mid week shop but they also seem to gran a coffee while they wait, it’s in the same retail park as the gymnastics so I get they may just happen to both be doing the same thing, but this never happened when I was doing the gymnastics run!
3. On a Friday he told me they sit together while the girls do their swimming, taking turns to buy the coffees from the cafe

I still see her the other 3 days of the week on the school run, we still don’t really chat, so it doesn’t feel like it’s just our families getting closer.

Now on Easter Saturday I have a wedding to go to, DD isn’t invited and it’s my old uni friend so we decided DH would just stay home with DD. He has told me he and this mum are going to take the girls to an Easter egg hunt at a national trust site while I’m at the wedding, just them and the kids.

While I don’t think it has turned to anything physical yet, and I do trust DH not to cheat. It does feel like an emotional affair.
Anytime I mention to DH it makes me uncomfortable he says I’m being weird and he is DDs parent too and has just as much right as I do to be friends with her classmates parents, especially in a situation like this where they end up seeing each other incidentally quite often.

AIBU to be uncomfortable with this?

I agree @gannett

Op and this mum talking is the positive outcome people wanted but now she still has to be on high alert in case she’s a really a wolf in sheep’s clothing… come on people.

I’m not saying if he thrilled about my DP having a new attractive female friend but that doesn’t mean they secretly want to have sex with each other and are using their children as a ruse, blimey.

We wanted the woman to befriend OP and she seems to have tried now?!?

As I seem to have said a number of times on opposite-sex friendship threads, when someone invariably pipes up with the 'Funny how it's never middle-aged Brenda from Accounts they befriend', DH's closest female friend was for years a much older colleague.

I was working away for long periods at that time, and they saw a lot of one another while I was out of the country, and in fact when I did spend time with her, I never much liked her, and never formed the impression she was that gone on me.

But DH and I aren't the Borg Hive Mind. We don't always like the same people, and that's fine.

And while I have no proof they were definitely not sleeping together while I was out of the country, it would seem vanishingly unlikely for a man in his early 30s and a woman in her early 50s who had been single for most of her adult life and was already suffering from the cancer that would kill her at 58.

Honestly, this isn’t Ockam’s razor. The most simple explanation is not that he wants to start an affair, even if she is an attractive woman.

Small talk with another parent while at a shared activity for your kids and then an Easter egg hunt is not "intense" social activity, good grief.

Why do you keep minimising what they are doing? You don't even know what they are talking about to label it small talk. They have moved on from what presumably started as small talk, to realising they really like each others company so they spend the entire time their kids are at class, either out shopping or out getting coffee together.. they also attend a separate social function one day a week that is nothing to do with the kids. They are now arranging a day trip out together an hour away where they will likely go in the same car.. not just meeting up for a local 'easter egg hunt' is it?

What is the point of playing down their actions to make it sound less suspicious than it is? The facts speak for themselves as to why OP felt uncomfortable with it and you're trying to what, say that she's lying, imaging it? She's told us what they have been doing which has come straight from her husband says they have been doing.

Either way OP has approached the OW and has now decided that she is happy to not rock the boat for now, based on getting to know the other mum better, I've said the whole time that the secrecy and exclusivity of the DHs relationship with her, and him refusing to acknowledge OPs concerns was the most suspicious thing of all.. I wouldn't assume that the OW is trying to get her claws into him, but she obviously likes the attention and he is obviously getting something out of it too which he will not give up at any cost.. all of which blurs the lines of 'friendship' IMO and is a classic way for many affairs to start ('no one understands me like you do blah blah blah').

The cynic in me assumes the OW has been told about OPs issue with their relationship so has now gone on the charm offensive to smooth things over, as for whatever reason she doesn't want to lose this close friendship with the DH.. hopefully it is all above board from her perspective, but I'd still be keeping a close eye on the husband going forward as he is the one that is blurring the lines of what is acceptable for a married man.

I wouldn't assume that the OW is trying to get her claws into him, but she obviously likes the attention and he is obviously getting something out of it too which he will not give up at any cost.. all of which blurs the lines of 'friendship'

Liking positive attention from a new friend is a completely ordinary aspect of any friendship. I mean, at the most basic level, it's nice realising that someone you feel connected also reciprocally enjoys your company. I still remember in my 50s the buzz of making friends in my mid-20s with someone who subsequently became one of my closest friends.

Some people on Mn seem to think that 'liking attention' is a fundamentally bad thing!

Why do you keep minimising what they are doing? You don't even know what they are talking about to label it small talk. They have moved on from what presumably started as small talk, to realising they really like each others company so they spend the entire time their kids are at class, either out shopping or out getting coffee together.. they also attend a separate social function one day a week that is nothing to do with the kids. They are now arranging a day trip out together an hour away where they will likely go in the same car.. not just meeting up for a local 'easter egg hunt' is it?

Oh no a CAR. Sharing a car with someone is basically having sex with them. Must inform my last uber driver.

Yes of course they like each other's company. This is what happens when you make friends. Small talk, then realising you get on and have shared interests, then arranging to meet when you're both free. This is how all my friendships have started and progressed, including with men. Most of those did not progress to sleeping with each other, though.

Why are your descriptions of other posters points of view so scathing and full of hyperbole ?

I don't agree with you or the way you try and force your relationship views on to other people whilst constantly ridiculing them. And you most certainly have nothing but contempt for me and my views. So let's just agree to differ.

No.
I said the most obvious, likely reason that a man wants to hang out one on one with an attractive woman is because he fancies her.

This does not mean it's the only reason of course-for all I know this woman and OP's husband both have degrees in astrophysics and love to chat about it-nevertheless him fancying her is the most obvious likely reason.

If somebody has always been teetotal and always been a safe driver yet for some reason decides to drink 8 pints of strong lager and then drives and crashes their car, a good starting point as to why they crashed is because they were pissed now there might be another reason for it, but it's a good starting point to assume alcohol was involved.

Well it's the same here: if a man wants to hang out one on one with an attractive woman a good starting point is that he fancies her.

Please note that I'm talking about men who hang out one on one with women they find attractive here before you go down the `men only think about sex, women only good for sex stuff ' which is NOT RELEVANT to the point I'm making here.

I find other posters' descriptions of a bog-standard friendship between two parents to be the most hyperbolic posts in the thread.

It's only the obvious and most likely reason if you think her attractiveness is her only important quality. By your logic the only reason anyone socialises with attractive people is because they fancy them. This is patently not true so let's use an iota of imagination to acknowledge that an attractive woman can actually be enjoyable company beyond her looks? And a man can enjoy her company beyond her looks?

(The obvious and most likely reason they get on is because they have two major things in common: daughters who share two of the same hobbies, and an interest in tennis. That is more than enough to start off a friendship regardless of what anyone involved looks like.)

Yeah whatever.

It’s basic biology though isn’t it. Look, I’m a lot younger than most of my male colleagues and I’m attractive. I don’t think they all fancy me and I don’t think they only bother talking to me because they fancy me or anything, that would be an odd and narcissistic way to feel. I do, however, acknowledge a certain ‘energy’ on occasion which can make things awkward. It’s an energy that sort of shouts- I recognise you are younger and I’m sexually attracted to you but we’re both married so I’m going to step back and make sure we both understand boundaries. Now, I do not need these boundaries to be put there in order to communicate with these men. Most of them are 20+ years older and not sexy to me. They put the boundaries in to, I guess, signal to me that they are trying to be platonic/professional and not let attraction get in the way. I hope that makes sense. It’s an energy that I don’t imagine would happen if I was ‘plainer’ looking.

As I say, this is not all of them, some of them are just kind of normal with me but there’s an energy with a few. Then there’s one that did result in an EA. Also older and married but not as old as the others and sexy as hell. It was impossible not to fall for him really. He was attractive, I’m human, we had chemistry. I’m not saying this woman fancies OP’s DH but if he’s a handsome man, she might… I just think OP needs to tread carefully with this woman. It could be harmless on both sides but I do think when you’re an attractive young woman, straight men can and do struggle to be fully platonic with you. And that’s not to say she doesn’t have other things to offer than her looks, I’m sure she does (as do I) but if attraction is there, the interaction is layered.

If he's getting involved he's doing a lousy job of hiding it from you, isn't he?

There's a large contingent of MN - probably the majority - who think it's impossible for a man and a woman to be friends without it leading to shagging or an 'emotional affair'. I suspect that that tells us more about the women who believe it than about the person they're advising.

Then there will be those who say that, whether or not there's anything going on, the very fact that it makes you uncomfortable should be enough reason for him to stop doing it. Of course, if there's anything you do that makes him uncomfortable, that's because he's controlling.

In the end, if your husband's going to have an affair, it'll either be this woman or another one. And if you think he will, you're probably right. So this isn't about this woman at all, then.

On the other hand, it might be that he's friends with her.

You.. They only make small talk at an event and they're going on an easter egg hunt.. whats the big deal?

Me.. they have coffee together once a week, they go shopping together once a week, they attend an event together without the kids once a week, and now they have arranged to go on a day trip together, in the same car, to an event OP isn't invited to.

You.. oooh they're in a car they must be having sex then!!

It's just infantile at this point and not worth me responding to you now you've shown your hand, you have no point to make, because the only point you did have was based on lying about what OP has actually said in her posts, to suit a narrative that you want to push, so now you've reverted to random hyperbole which I have zero interest in encouraging or continuing.. it adds absolutely nothing useful to OP or the thread.

Good comment and, of course, spending time with these colleagues is mandatory as it's your job whereas OP's husband spending time with this woman is a choice.
He really doesn't have to do it.

You are completely wrong. Utterly wrong.

Early in my marriage, pre children, I grew very close to another guy.
It was nothing like a friendship, nothing.
I was attracted to him and him me. Wanted me to leave my dh for him.

One day he tried to hold my hand. It took all my willpower to back away.
It was an affair without sex which would have become sexual had I not pulled away and stopped seeing him.

It was very, very difficult to do but I did so for the sake of my marriage.
And because dh meant more to me.
So please spare me the guff that emotional affairs are just a friendship.
(You've clearly never seen Brief Encounter, either.)
In fact the reason I can comment here about this is because I CAN see how these things develop.
I've lived it, unlike a lot of cool wives here.

I don't believe we're slaves to our biology, nor do I believe all men are. As you said you don't feel that energy with all men, for starters.

I also don't think that merely finding someone attractive necessarily leads to that sort of energy. I find plenty of men who are not DP attractive. I enjoy looking at them in a non-creepy way. I enjoy being around them. I do not want to act on this, and I find it easy not to act on this. Having actually talked to men (friends and DP) about these things, this is something they say too - yes, they notice when a woman is attractive; no, this doesn't mean they'll act on it. Because they're in a relationship, or she's their colleague, or any other reason it's a bad idea.

Some can't ignore sexual attraction but I think most people have the iota of self-control and moral fibre necessary.

Brief Encounter was fiction.

You've lived your experience. Personally I've been around plenty of men I found attractive but who would've been a bad idea to sleep with. It didn't take a huge amount of willpower not to do so and in most cases I didn't even need to cut myself off from seeing them.

But it’s not black and white.
I’d bet my house that every couple trusted each other when they chose to get married and believed that their partner would never cheat.
Some of those trusted people then go on to have affairs / inappropriate relationships. That’s when the trust breaks down.
You trust until their behaviour gives you concern.
This is where OP is.

@Underbeliever I think this all sounds fine - I'm glad you are feeling a bit better about it all. It would be an insane thing to do to start inviting other families on this Easter hunt when you are not going, and (to me anyway) it makes sense why you'd want to do a kids activity when you are solo parenting with someone you get on well.

Maybe you initially felt negatively about it because you had a bit of guilt about not being a bit more open in the first term.

Honestly, please don't let all the posters imploring you to stay "on alert" stress you out.

But everyone has occasionally found someone attractive, when they’re not free to pursue it. Unless you live under a rock you will from time run into one of your ‘other’ ones — other people you could have fallen in love with and made a life with gad you met them before the person you did fall for and make a life either it. You deal with it like an adult. It’s not a friendship. It has nothing to do with friendship. I had it about sixteen or seventeen years ago with a colleague and it was mutual. He was happily married, I was happily married. I really liked his wife. We just never talked about it and went on with our lives. Eventually it subsided into an ordinary friendship. But the friendship came afterwards. When I realised I was attracted to him he was just a guy in a neighbouring office. And I’m not remotely attracted to any of my male friends, nor they to me.

I think you have some very odd ideas about friendship if you think Brief Encounter is a friendship that develops into love. They only meet about four or five times, and one of those is the abortive attempt to have sex in the friend’s apartment! They’re not friends.

Just because you have weak sexual boundaries, don’t tar all women with the same brush.

So what? It struck a chord with a lot of people.

What I'm trying my best to explain to you here is that it really is not that simple as friendship OR full on sexual affair and that having an affair is most definitely NOT always a sudden event.

You like someone, are vaguely attracted to them, and there's an innocuous reason to meet up with them so you do so.

You sort of think, "it's not on" deep down but you brush it off and tell yourself where's the harm if no actual sex?
Then you meet for coffee, the chemistry's there, but where's the harm if no actual sex?
Then lunch, you get to like them a bit more and the attraction's getting stronger. You think, "I should stop" because by now it's clear this is no friendship , but, again, where's the harm if no actual sex?

Rinse and repeat until one day you're 'really' into this person now and they feel the same and it Is, at the very least, an emotional affair.
It either stops there or gets sexual.

It's a gradual process that creeps up on people.
You don't seem able to grasp this.

OP's husband may not be consciously planninganything to be fair to him but give it time and enough exposure with this woman and he might.

We're not as in control of ourselves as we like to think we are so we have to be careful. Situations play a huge part.

Weak sexual boundaries? I didn't have sex with him that's the point.
It was purely emotional.

Or you just trying to be a cow?

Yeah it's a bit weird esp the easter egg hunt

Totally agree Janey90
I was once a cool wife 😂
Id have trusted him in a Brothel packed to the doors with super models.
100% He wasn’t the type to cheat. 😂
Until I found out he’d been shagging a colleague for over 4 years!