AIBU to feel uneasy about DH’s close friendship with another mum?

[Underbeliever]

Hi all, my DH and I have one daughter, she has just turned 5 and is in reception. Since Christmas we changed up our working hours, now DH finishes early on a Wednesday and Friday, these are the days DD has gymnastics and swimming so DH gets her from school and takes her straight on to them.
The issue is I feel he has developed a close friendship that feels somewhat too close to me with another parent.
This other parent is a bit younger than most of the parents of DDs classmates, I don’t know her massively well, she will smile and pass a comment at pick up, I’ve chatted to her a little at the big class parties but she has her own friends and I do mine. DD has never asked for a play date with her daughter so I’ve never felt the need to get any closer to her than that.
I think she is mid-20s and she is frankly stunning, it’s hard to not see that about her! I also know she is single.

Anyway by sheer coincidence and it’s been this way since the start of the school year when I used to do the Wednesday and Friday pick up, her daughter is in the same gymnastics class and swim lesson group as our DD. For the entire first term we hardly spoke, we would both sit in the viewing area for the swimming and I’d just read my book, we did our drop offs at gymnastics and maybe smiled but nothing more.
Now DH is doing it he seems to have gotten very close to her

1. On a Wednesday our local tennis club has an afternoon social, it’s mainly stay at home mums, retirees and the odd shift worker who might not get to the evening socials. DH and this mum both go to this. It finishes just in time for school pick up
2. While the kids are in gymnastics, they meet up and go to M&S, DH does our mid week shop but they also seem to gran a coffee while they wait, it’s in the same retail park as the gymnastics so I get they may just happen to both be doing the same thing, but this never happened when I was doing the gymnastics run!
3. On a Friday he told me they sit together while the girls do their swimming, taking turns to buy the coffees from the cafe

I still see her the other 3 days of the week on the school run, we still don’t really chat, so it doesn’t feel like it’s just our families getting closer.

Now on Easter Saturday I have a wedding to go to, DD isn’t invited and it’s my old uni friend so we decided DH would just stay home with DD. He has told me he and this mum are going to take the girls to an Easter egg hunt at a national trust site while I’m at the wedding, just them and the kids.

While I don’t think it has turned to anything physical yet, and I do trust DH not to cheat. It does feel like an emotional affair.
Anytime I mention to DH it makes me uncomfortable he says I’m being weird and he is DDs parent too and has just as much right as I do to be friends with her classmates parents, especially in a situation like this where they end up seeing each other incidentally quite often.

AIBU to be uncomfortable with this?

I think this is such a weird take.

This situations isn't just about OP trusting her DH, it's about her DH respecting their relationship, and not doing something that makes OP feel uncomfortable.

If I started started spending every Wednesday afternoons at a tennis club event with an attractive single dad from school, then every Wednesday afterschool going shopping together while our kids were at a class together, and again on Friday afterschool having coffee together, and THEN arranging day trips out together while my husband is unavailable.. I KNOW my DH would be uncomfortable with that, and so would I if the roles were reversed.. I think a lot of people would find that concerning. He already sees her 3 times a week and he's pushing to do more with her, doing things that he would normally do with OP.

I think most people would be fine with the time spent with the kids are at a class, but going out without the kids or meeting up for family activities is pushing the boundaries of what is acceptable in many relationships.. it shouldn't be such a shock to her DH that OP is uncomfortable with this, yet he doesn't seem to care, he's prioritising this new 'friendship' over his relationship with OP... Why could that be?

@Underbeliever Is this young, single beautiful woman likely to find your husband irresistible?

Who knows.

Attraction is a strange thing.

Yes I’m shocked sometimes when very attractive women like men I think are so gross but clearly they see something I don’t.

Some people even just have a thing for just married men.

It’s ment to show they are good providers and family men. Ironic since if they cheat well not that much of a family man 😅

The eggs hunt sounds like a date.

@Forridge of course not. It would be great for the OP if it were just a coincidence that this women happens to be stunning and single. Good for you if you would be happy with this situation, I’m just giving my opinion 🤷🏼‍♀️

Just tell him to stop the friendship. Completely.

My dh got over friendly with a woman at work once. I made him resign.

I think the Easter egg hunt is crossing a line

If I had a penny for every time I've uttered that phrase...

He has still not got your back OP and dismissing your concerns- a high red flag. Still putting her 1st before you.

You are not unreasonable and I would be uncomfortable with this. Might be nothing but he enjoys her company and can't help talking about her. The biggest red flag is he that he is dismissing your feelings.

Looking at it from another perspective is he a bit more sociable with strangers than you are? I ask because DH knows everyone in the neighbourhood and especially when he walks the dog, he and my dog have made so many friends. I go out with the dog and I don't speak to a soul. Different scenario I know but what I'm saying is he is the sociable one?

This. I’m sure there are lots of drab friends they just aren’t threatened.

I thought this too

This was my Ex. I worked and he didn’t and he had various mum friends. Loved the adoration and attention. Did end up having an emotional affair with one. Right under my nose. Denied it but it was very obvious. Even got me to coach her husband in exchange for her giving him massages!

Don’t think he was quite as brazen as arranging a date and taking the kids though he’d invite her to our house when I was away with work.

He had all sorts of locks on his phone but if I could have looked I would have and saved myself lots of pain.

I don’t like that your DH is defending her and pushing back against you. Who is his priority?

As a PP said, if she’s such a good friend, why doesn’t your DH ask her to have your DD for the afternoon so you can both go to the wedding?

@Underbeliever, in examining your H’s comments, it’s clear that he couldn’t care less about your discomfort. He is determined to carry on with his agenda of building a close connection with OW. To that end he is pushing back and gaslighting to make you back off and return to your lane. He calls you ‘weird’ to embarrass you and put you down, and defensively claims his entitlement to make friends with ‘parents he meets incidentally’. The problem is that while running into each other was initially incidental, things between them are now intentional, exclusive and intense. You are being sidelined.

Every week they are enjoying socializing at the Tennis Club, sitting together at swimming and gymnastics, shopping, and having cafe coffees which they swap out paying for. They are having an adventure as they develop a fun intimacy and emotional reliance. Spending the day together on Easter Saturday = ramping things up to a deeper level.

His newest comments are very telling as he uses them to bat away your issues. He is blaming you and empathizing with OW for her blanking you. He is also conjuring a friendship between the children to justify his Easter date. He won’t appreciate your throwing a kink in his plans by suggesting inviting other families. I would be surprised if he follows through, but even if others are included, H and OW will still be together and making memories that day.

@Underbeliever, H has opened a window to OW and brought her into your marriage and family. He is having an EA, which is infidelity, and is involving your child. It’s time to go nuclear, lay down your cast-iron boundaries, and make perfectly clear what you will no longer tolerate. In my marriage this would mean his totally cutting off OW asap.

I wouldn’t be happy about this situation but at the same time it’s difficult to make a fuss without looking like a jealous harridan. We all can feel attracted to other people but it feels like rubbing your nose in it to be on an exclusive kiddies day out with her while you’re at a wedding. Whether or not it’s just “friends” it sounds like he’s got a crush on her. And he seems to have seized on the opportunity.

And he seems to have seized on the opportunity.
I totally agree with this. He has seen you being busy elsewhere as a perfect opportunity to spend even MORE time with this woman.

To me it's one thing to get on with the parents of another child to facilitate a friendship. But the amount of time he is spending with this woman, doing couples things, is just ridiculous. Including him doing a hobby with her. To my mind it is stretching belief that he is not becoming emotionally involved with her.

Honestly OP I think I would take this so seriously I would be having a serious talk with your H about this situation. Unfortunately you need to discuss changing your current arrangements. I think he should be changing his hobby as well as an alteration in the arrangements regarding your child. As long as your H and this woman have the opportunity to develop their relationship as they are doing that is what will happen: it will develop and escalate.

You often read.about women who don’t nip things in the bud, out of fear of being called controlling etc, and then the inevitable happens.

To ignore this would be like turning your back on a chip pan fire

OP he is showing you a lack of respect. He would rather upset you than upset an (apparent) acquaintance, That in itself shows you that there is an emotional relationship there.

He does not need to uninvite a four year old, he simply says to the woman "Im really sorry, something has come up and we can no longer make it. I hope you have a great time." He then needs to back off with the coffees/shopping etc. Really easy to do - she says "Are we off to M&S?". He says "Underbeliever and
I have already done the shopping this week. Have fun!". She says "Wanna grab a coffee?" He says "Oh Ive just had one actually and I need to call Underbeliever". See you later."

If he doesn't then he's showing you where his loyalties lie. You are his wife and if he feels like he has hurt you or caused you to feel insecure or unsettled in any way then he should immediately want to correct that.

I speak as someone who has had an affair (albeit when I was in my early 20s with someone else in their early twenties and no kids involved and we've now been together 30 years). He's currently caught up in the thrill and excitement of someone attractive wanting to spend time with him. He will make you out to be the unreasonable one because he wants that to continue - whether or not they've progressed this beyond attraction and emotional connection yet. It's the script.

Nip this in the bud now.

What you see as ‘nipping in the bud’ I see as paranoia and insecurity.

There is no such thing as nipping this in the bud, because her husband is a person and not a possession to be controlled.

OK, so the cool wives are in the building today. Fair enough, but for those of us who are uncool, including the OP we would be unhappy with this and want it to stop.

Its very easy to be a "cool wife" until it happens to you..

God to people still use that tired old phrase cool wife. How cringe.

Can you suggest an alternative phrase?