AIBU to feel uneasy about DH’s close friendship with another mum?

[Underbeliever]

Hi all, my DH and I have one daughter, she has just turned 5 and is in reception. Since Christmas we changed up our working hours, now DH finishes early on a Wednesday and Friday, these are the days DD has gymnastics and swimming so DH gets her from school and takes her straight on to them.
The issue is I feel he has developed a close friendship that feels somewhat too close to me with another parent.
This other parent is a bit younger than most of the parents of DDs classmates, I don’t know her massively well, she will smile and pass a comment at pick up, I’ve chatted to her a little at the big class parties but she has her own friends and I do mine. DD has never asked for a play date with her daughter so I’ve never felt the need to get any closer to her than that.
I think she is mid-20s and she is frankly stunning, it’s hard to not see that about her! I also know she is single.

Anyway by sheer coincidence and it’s been this way since the start of the school year when I used to do the Wednesday and Friday pick up, her daughter is in the same gymnastics class and swim lesson group as our DD. For the entire first term we hardly spoke, we would both sit in the viewing area for the swimming and I’d just read my book, we did our drop offs at gymnastics and maybe smiled but nothing more.
Now DH is doing it he seems to have gotten very close to her

1. On a Wednesday our local tennis club has an afternoon social, it’s mainly stay at home mums, retirees and the odd shift worker who might not get to the evening socials. DH and this mum both go to this. It finishes just in time for school pick up
2. While the kids are in gymnastics, they meet up and go to M&S, DH does our mid week shop but they also seem to gran a coffee while they wait, it’s in the same retail park as the gymnastics so I get they may just happen to both be doing the same thing, but this never happened when I was doing the gymnastics run!
3. On a Friday he told me they sit together while the girls do their swimming, taking turns to buy the coffees from the cafe

I still see her the other 3 days of the week on the school run, we still don’t really chat, so it doesn’t feel like it’s just our families getting closer.

Now on Easter Saturday I have a wedding to go to, DD isn’t invited and it’s my old uni friend so we decided DH would just stay home with DD. He has told me he and this mum are going to take the girls to an Easter egg hunt at a national trust site while I’m at the wedding, just them and the kids.

While I don’t think it has turned to anything physical yet, and I do trust DH not to cheat. It does feel like an emotional affair.
Anytime I mention to DH it makes me uncomfortable he says I’m being weird and he is DDs parent too and has just as much right as I do to be friends with her classmates parents, especially in a situation like this where they end up seeing each other incidentally quite often.

AIBU to be uncomfortable with this?

It's not about getting the kids together. This is them getting together for yes, a date and using the kids as a front on a holiday weekend.

My dad used to do this. I'd be stuck with some kid I wasn't friends with, same back, and it was awkward and there's a feeling of betrayal because I was old enough to know this was not about kids getting together to play, it was a date for them. I knew what cheating was. It sure wasn't fun or enjoyable.

I think you’re being too literal. There’s a difference between a normal friendly interaction with men and the spark of an affair. I think painting the women that have concerns about the latter as neurotic friendless weirdos is a little unfair.

I suppose all I'm saying is that I think that some of the attitudes to 'emotional affairs' on Mn are because a disproportionate number of Mners struggle with even the most basic friendships or acquaintances -- I assume that's why they're on here, because it's easier to interact online.

Because one of the oddities of the posters who can't or won't do friendships is that many of them are married, apparently because they are prepared to put themselves out there socially to bag a chap, but, once he's bagged, they retreat inside 'my little family' and never venture out again.

If their DH didn't sign up to being a hermit, any friendships with women look threatening, because the friendless wives don't understand them, and they don't have any friends of their own. Hence the whole 'emotional affair' thing.

'disproportionate number of Mners struggle with even the most basic friendships or acquaintances -- I assume that's why they're on here, because it's easier to interact online.'

You're on here because you don't have friends or acquaintances?

I manage to multi task for example i'm awaiting deliveries whilst on FB, WhatsApp and mn. Many people do its very normal to be online.

I've got a nice group of friends in real life but I find MN fascinating. That's why I'm here!

Absolutely it is -- I'm waiting for a delivery, too, actually (and it's late). But look at all the enormous numbers of Mners who self-describe as friendless and lonely or in some cases intentionally friendless because 'I prefer dogs' or 'Friends involve drama' or 'Other people always let you down' or 'Groups fo women are always bitchy' or 'School mums are always awful'.

I don't think it's much of a stretch to think that this inability to handle friendships colours attitudes to spouses' friendships as well, and feeds the weird cynicism about opposite-sex friendships and 'emotional affairs'.

Couldn't have put it better.

You were being rather unpleasant and sneery about other people doing exactly the same as you, going online.

People have issues in life and come here for help and advice, that does not mean all mumsentters are friendless. Bit of a sweeping generalisation there.

The op is worried that their dp is getting far too cosy with someone else and it sadly does often lead to flings you must be very naive if don't understand how these things happen. Frequently. Friends of both sexes tend to be friends with everyone not just their chosen bff.

Maybe try the relationships board for some insight?

Oh the adolescents are here. Thanks for showing your hand, I can skip past your posts now.

I wasn't being in the least 'sneery', only pointing out that disproportionate numbers of Mners self-report as struggling with friendships and lonely.

'I wasn't being in the least 'sneery'

You really don't think any of that ^ was sneery?! For example, 'because the friendless wives don't understand them' and 'Mners struggle with even the most basic friendships or acquaintances'.

Again, it is fine to feel uneasy with cosy twosome days out. That does not mean the op or anyone else on here struggles with friendships. Unless you're just referring to yourself?

Never mind, @Gloriia.

I have lots of friends and am relaxed and am fond of dhs female friends who are old friends
normal, friendly to me and around our age.

In this described scenario yes I would also be a little concerned. It’s gone beyond the usual interaction and that’s why op has posted and I don’t think she’s being unreasonable to be concerned in the least. I actually think not being concerned would make you complacent and a little naive yourself.

As i said upthread if that's the way your relationship works then good for you.

But you don't have the right to impose your norms and values on other oeople, and sneer at them if they have different boundaries in their relationship.

Op is unhapoy about how her H is overstepping the boundaries of their relationship. And she is entitled to her feelings. Many ,many other people would feel the same.- not just women but men. .

People KNOW when a relationship with another person is affecting their marriage or partnership. When the other person is becoming their partner's main focus. As is happening here.

And you are doing the OP a total disservice by just telling her well this situation would be fine in your own marriage, therefore she must be needy or a wimp for not liking what is going on.

People KNOW when a relationship with another person is affecting their marriage or partnership. When the other person is becoming their partner's main focus. As is happening here.

Absolutely, @Farewelltothatid

Well, see it as an alternative point of view to that of the posters screaming about affairs and betrayals over Easter egg hunts and it not being about the children and nipping it in the bud? You know, Mn being a place for different points of view and all that?

Some people might find it reassuring that DH and I have been happily together since the mid-1990s, navigating all the usual life stuff - jobs, moving countries, parenthood, ageing parents etc etc - while both having opposite-sex friends, without anyone having an affair.

Sorry, can't alter this in the edit, but this shouldn't have been in response to @gannett but to @Farewelltothatid.

I was on the side of ‘this situation isn’t a big deal’ but it’s a bit sad that people with no friends are constantly put down and insulted, it’s a bit mean, and I would agree with ‘sneery’.

The people you disagree with might have loads of friends, it’s not even relevant whatsoever.

Some people might find it reassuring that DH and I have been happily together since the mid-1990s, navigating all the usual life stuff - jobs, moving countries, parenthood, ageing parents etc etc - while both having opposite-sex friends, without anyone having an affair.

You know what? I DO think people who's husbands have gone on to have affairs after striking up friendships with attractive people of the opposite sex will indeed find it reassuring that it has never happened to you.

I'm genuinely pleased that you and your DH have a happy and long term relationship.

And I understand that there are obviously different points of view.

I just don't think you telling OP everything is hunky dory about her H 's developing relationship with another woman is helpful at all.

Like her H you are minimising and dismissing her feelings and concerns.

It's bad enough her H is obviously hell bent in pursuing his relationship with this woman despite the impact it's having on OP. For pp like yourselves to weigh in with the "Well this would be ok in my relationship so it should be in yours" advice is totally trying to silence her very legitimate unease by telling her that her boundaries and expectations in her own marriage are ridiculous.

They will hopefully find it reassuring that non-problematic friendships with people of the opposite sex, attractive or not, are the norm - rather than giving in to the prevalent MN paranoia that utterly innocuous interactions between any man and any woman will inevitably lead to affairs.

Again so literal. Don’t think anyone is saying friendships outside a marriage are a problem in general. This one seems to be though.

You are trying to put the op in the same bracket as a load of neurotics which is quite mean.

This one is not non problematic.

There is no " one size fits all"
Everyone's relationship is different.
And peoples relationships with their friends differ widely.

You and like minded pp work on the basis that all friendships are harmless to a relationship and this is patently not true.

And again the sneering dismissal of anyone who doesn't think like you do shines through your post.

I’m not convinced it’s necessarily cheating but I think it’s likely a crush.

One thing that struck me about my ex after we split up (who had struck up a relationship with a pretty single mum) was that if she had made a move, then he would have cheated. Maybe not a full blown affair but definitely a kiss.

FWIW I think everyone has crushes and I’m fine with that. But when I developed a little workplace crush I made a concerted effort NOT to spend time with him, or chat on teams, eat lunch together etc and it eventually faded. I think that’s what a decent loyal person does.

I do think you need to check his phone, you may find it actually settles your mind

I think I may just let it go. Today I picked DD up and she came out of class with the little girl and some of each of their normal friends, so I went over and said hi, mentioned the Easter egg hunt, she was super friendly to me and seemed nice enough, DD and her daughter were quite happy playing while we chatted and she asked me if DD wanted to come over for a play date at the weekend. I asked DD and she seemed really excited about the idea. I’ve now got her number and as we walked out she said she was looking forward to seeing DD and I on Saturday.