AIBU to feel uneasy about DH’s close friendship with another mum?

[Underbeliever]

Hi all, my DH and I have one daughter, she has just turned 5 and is in reception. Since Christmas we changed up our working hours, now DH finishes early on a Wednesday and Friday, these are the days DD has gymnastics and swimming so DH gets her from school and takes her straight on to them.
The issue is I feel he has developed a close friendship that feels somewhat too close to me with another parent.
This other parent is a bit younger than most of the parents of DDs classmates, I don’t know her massively well, she will smile and pass a comment at pick up, I’ve chatted to her a little at the big class parties but she has her own friends and I do mine. DD has never asked for a play date with her daughter so I’ve never felt the need to get any closer to her than that.
I think she is mid-20s and she is frankly stunning, it’s hard to not see that about her! I also know she is single.

Anyway by sheer coincidence and it’s been this way since the start of the school year when I used to do the Wednesday and Friday pick up, her daughter is in the same gymnastics class and swim lesson group as our DD. For the entire first term we hardly spoke, we would both sit in the viewing area for the swimming and I’d just read my book, we did our drop offs at gymnastics and maybe smiled but nothing more.
Now DH is doing it he seems to have gotten very close to her

1. On a Wednesday our local tennis club has an afternoon social, it’s mainly stay at home mums, retirees and the odd shift worker who might not get to the evening socials. DH and this mum both go to this. It finishes just in time for school pick up
2. While the kids are in gymnastics, they meet up and go to M&S, DH does our mid week shop but they also seem to gran a coffee while they wait, it’s in the same retail park as the gymnastics so I get they may just happen to both be doing the same thing, but this never happened when I was doing the gymnastics run!
3. On a Friday he told me they sit together while the girls do their swimming, taking turns to buy the coffees from the cafe

I still see her the other 3 days of the week on the school run, we still don’t really chat, so it doesn’t feel like it’s just our families getting closer.

Now on Easter Saturday I have a wedding to go to, DD isn’t invited and it’s my old uni friend so we decided DH would just stay home with DD. He has told me he and this mum are going to take the girls to an Easter egg hunt at a national trust site while I’m at the wedding, just them and the kids.

While I don’t think it has turned to anything physical yet, and I do trust DH not to cheat. It does feel like an emotional affair.
Anytime I mention to DH it makes me uncomfortable he says I’m being weird and he is DDs parent too and has just as much right as I do to be friends with her classmates parents, especially in a situation like this where they end up seeing each other incidentally quite often.

AIBU to be uncomfortable with this?

Yanbu. It does sound a bit weird, and he should respect that you feel uncomfortable. Getting coffee while a club is on is one thing but meeting up for a family day out is different.

I’d be wary, personally. I think the Easter egg hunt outing is crossing a line and I’d be very uncomfortable with it.

I do those sorts of activities with other school mums, it doesn’t look or sound like odd behaviour. I’ve made some good friends on the school run and we often arrange things together like Easter egg hunts. Is your husband a lovely friendly sort of chap? There’s one dad in our little group I’d hate for his wife to feel as put out as you do. I’m sure it’s just a friendship. Is she married?

I would say YABU only because there is zero point in being in a relationship with someone you don't trust. If you think he's a cheating liar, leave him.

I understand why it might feel unsettling but nothing here screams emotional affair to me. Everything you've described seems like normal friendly activities that I'm sure you yourself with do with another mum without thinking. Of course that's not to say that things might not take a turn but right now it seems fine to me.

The OP said in her post that she is single. I think it would be different if there were a group of parents going. From reading what the OP has written, her DH and this mum seem to have got quite close and are getting closer. The two girls aren’t in a friendship group, so it’s not like it’s parents getting together for the girls sake,

So that's twice a week they have time to kill while waiting for their daughters to do the same activity, plus they share a sporting interest on top of that? It would be weirder if they hadn't struck up a friendship. Which is all this is - all of those things are bog-standard, normal things you do with friends. If you perceived her to be plain-looking there wouldn't be any unease; this is just your territorial hackles going up at the sight of a good-looking woman. And/or for whatever reason you don't trust your husband.

It’s a difficult one, I’m not sure he is doing anything wrong but I wouldn’t like it either. It’s a bit too much. Of course it may well be innocent but most affairs will start as innocent. Do they message a lot too?

Why don't you start talking to her, you could say, your DH has been talking to her and see where it leads. If she seems a bit guilty or reticent about chatting it might mean something is going on. You may find she's actually very nice, it can be a bit difficult for dad's sometimes when going to after school things with mainly mum's she may well just be being nice. I used to chat to the odd dad who turned up at those sort of things. But I also know one of the mum's did have a bit of a thing for my DH, he had no clue and just thought she was nice...

Yanbu

I’m a single mum and I’d never strike up a friendship with a married dad. I have some mum friends and I get along ok with their husbands but I’d never seek them out to spend time with them.

My ds used to be really good friends with a boy in reception and when the kids had play dates the mum would sometimes say to me, oh my husband is going to be bringing child not me, and then she’d set up a WA group for us all to organise, but I never messaged her husband directly.

I also have a random incidental acquaintance/friend in one of my ds’s friends’ dads because our kids are in the same class and we also work together! but I’d never seek him out or suggest to him that we do something together with the kids without his wife. I think the Easter egg hunt is crossing a line especially if your DDs aren’t actually friends.

Would your husband be happy with you spending a lot of time with a single dad??

It seems like a lot but if the only time he does pick up are these two occasions its not really odd they have struck up a friendship.

Why is it always the same woman? Why couldn’t he arrange a day out with someone else?

This 100pc

I think doing things while they wait for their kids is one thing - although out of all the parents of course he's chosen the gorgeous, single one to befriend. But then arranging things outside of this while you just happen to be out the picture is taking it a step further. The two kids aren't even really friends which makes it weirder.

Would your husband be happy with you spending a lot of time with a single dad??

Why would he not be? A man that tries to police which other men I can be friends with, or whether I can be friends with other men, is a walking red flag.

That’s it exactly isn’t it?

I can maybe understand the gymnastics and swimming meet ups as to my knowledge, unless it has changed there aren’t any other kids from DDs year at her school in those sessions. So he may just not know anyone else.
But we have friends with children DDs age, who DD actually plays with, he could go out with on Easter Saturday!

i dont know - i travelled a fair bit for my career and my husband was the one who did ALL the playdates etc and more often than not - it was with mums, some single ones, most not. It come down to if you trust your husband and if the answer is no (which to be honest sounds like it) - then you have bigger problems.

if she was older and plainer would you be less uncomfortable? Because if the answer is yes, then you are being unreasonable.
If you would be uncomfortable regardless then yanbu, does he make an effort with any other parents or just the younger, pretty, single ones?!
If he’s the type of person that would include anyone, happy to chat to people etc then I wouldn’t be worried particularly.
If he’s not the type that would usually converse/grab a coffee with a parent then it’s odd that he’s doing it now.
We’ve got some Dads that join our group things because their wives are working, it nice that they feel they can.
My DH avoids other parents like the plague and hates small talk, if he was suddenly going for a coffee with a parent if he really suspicious 🤨

Yes and the children really aren’t friends, DD got to invite 9 friends out for her birthday and this little girls name didn’t even come up in the negotiations!

You do understand how "making friends" works? You strike up a conversation, you see someone again, you chat to them again, you arrange to hang out again. Obviously it's the same person again. No one makes friends with someone and then decides they have to hang out with someone else for... balance? Because making friends is bad? Because you can only hang out with someone a certain number of times?

I wouldn’t be happy about this, it seems very close and intimate. Is any woman comfortable with their DH having one on one time with another woman and their kids? And yours? No, screw that

He is generally quite chatty and sociable. I don’t think he would naturally make friends at the school gate but I believe he would chat to someone he already knew from something like the tennis. I just don’t know that would translate to coffees and days out naturally.

YANBU. I met the Dad of one of my son's reception new friends at a party, was friendly and exchange details for party invite etc, was just as pleased to get chatting to the Mum when I met her at a party a few months later- think it would be strange not to be friendly with both if my son's friendly with their son.

YANBU. I met the Dad of one of my son's reception new friends at a party, was friendly and exchange details for party invite etc, was just as pleased to get chatting to the Mum when I met her at a party a few months later- think it would be strange not to be friendly with both if my son's friendly with their son.

Yanbu. It’s werid shes so friendly with your dh and not you. I would ask him to stop seeing this woman.