AIBU to feel uneasy about DH’s close friendship with another mum?

[Underbeliever]

Hi all, my DH and I have one daughter, she has just turned 5 and is in reception. Since Christmas we changed up our working hours, now DH finishes early on a Wednesday and Friday, these are the days DD has gymnastics and swimming so DH gets her from school and takes her straight on to them.
The issue is I feel he has developed a close friendship that feels somewhat too close to me with another parent.
This other parent is a bit younger than most of the parents of DDs classmates, I don’t know her massively well, she will smile and pass a comment at pick up, I’ve chatted to her a little at the big class parties but she has her own friends and I do mine. DD has never asked for a play date with her daughter so I’ve never felt the need to get any closer to her than that.
I think she is mid-20s and she is frankly stunning, it’s hard to not see that about her! I also know she is single.

Anyway by sheer coincidence and it’s been this way since the start of the school year when I used to do the Wednesday and Friday pick up, her daughter is in the same gymnastics class and swim lesson group as our DD. For the entire first term we hardly spoke, we would both sit in the viewing area for the swimming and I’d just read my book, we did our drop offs at gymnastics and maybe smiled but nothing more.
Now DH is doing it he seems to have gotten very close to her

1. On a Wednesday our local tennis club has an afternoon social, it’s mainly stay at home mums, retirees and the odd shift worker who might not get to the evening socials. DH and this mum both go to this. It finishes just in time for school pick up
2. While the kids are in gymnastics, they meet up and go to M&S, DH does our mid week shop but they also seem to gran a coffee while they wait, it’s in the same retail park as the gymnastics so I get they may just happen to both be doing the same thing, but this never happened when I was doing the gymnastics run!
3. On a Friday he told me they sit together while the girls do their swimming, taking turns to buy the coffees from the cafe

I still see her the other 3 days of the week on the school run, we still don’t really chat, so it doesn’t feel like it’s just our families getting closer.

Now on Easter Saturday I have a wedding to go to, DD isn’t invited and it’s my old uni friend so we decided DH would just stay home with DD. He has told me he and this mum are going to take the girls to an Easter egg hunt at a national trust site while I’m at the wedding, just them and the kids.

While I don’t think it has turned to anything physical yet, and I do trust DH not to cheat. It does feel like an emotional affair.
Anytime I mention to DH it makes me uncomfortable he says I’m being weird and he is DDs parent too and has just as much right as I do to be friends with her classmates parents, especially in a situation like this where they end up seeing each other incidentally quite often.

AIBU to be uncomfortable with this?

I think you should find a sexy Dad and start having coffees with him OP, invite him on a family day out with your DC too. See what DH thinks.

It's a story as old as time unfortunately..
Single ✔️
Attractive ✔️
Younger ✔️

These men NEVER strike up a "friendship" with 48 year old Mandy with a muffin top.

I chat to my son's friend's dad when the boys are swimming, and sometimes we drink tea together while they're playing. It's just circumstances. I like him and when the boy is swimming I'd rather chat to him than to pretend I didn't want to. But I don't want to shag him (and I'm pretty certain he wouldn't want to shag me - I'm about 15 years older than him!)
Could you be there as well? Or befriend the mum?

Nope. That wouldn’t work for me.

YANBU.

Time to invite her and her kid around and see her reaction.

Yeah but would you book a Easter egg hunt just you, this guy and both your children, though?

🤣 😂

You're a fool if you think otherwise, op

I’m a single mom and I’d be really uncomfortable with a married dad. In fact I normally hate these posts in the 27 year old single mum bleach blonde and I know I get some mums hate me being near there husbands even in the queue so I always side with the single mums as normally it’s unfair assumptions however this is really strange and I would be uncomfortable with a married dad talking to me and not introducing his wife or telling me so much about you I was able to feel comfortable starting a conversation with you. It’s strange x

I've been to mini golf with DS, DS's friend and his dad. DH has done playdates with another of DS's friends and his mum. Personally I'm glad DH gets to build friendships with other parents too. The difference in our case is all these parents are married and so we will also sometimes all get together. Why don't you try to strike up more of a friendship with her too?

I would feel uncomfortable with this as well.

It's not like your daughters are besties or he is that pally with any of the other parents attending the same activities.

Was he already friends with this person from the tennis club independently of your kids or did she just start attending the social afternoons? The latter would be more suspicious to me.

Even if there is nothing untoward about the friendship, he could do more to put your mind at ease given you have felt concerned enough to raise the issue with him.

Hell would freeze over before I'd allow my DH to use our child as a cover to take another woman on a date.

The children aren't even friends.

Does he make this much effort with the parents of your childs actual friends? Does he spend this much time each week with you, or any of his friends?
How did them coincidentally both attending the same Tennis Club socials come about?
No need to respond, we all already know the answer.

Why? The woman is clearly (from ops description anyway) not particularly interested in making connections with op. The kids aren’t even friends! Your scenario sounds very different- loose group of couples who all know each other and are mutual friends anyway. This is very much not that.

I’ve had dads in my street approach me because they assume I’m one of the school mums (the school is just round the corner) and then one dad got a bit frosty to me when I saw him in the street (I was single i’m not now!).

If she’s a single mum maybe she’s ostracised by the other mums at the school gate. I can imagine that could be quite lonely. See Liz in Motherland.

The coffees could just be a nice reciprocal thing when they’re at swimming or whatever it is. Easter Egg hunt is overstepping the boundaries but as you’re at the wedding maybe they both naively thought it would be a nice thing to do. As pp said I’d start hanging round the after school activities either with your DH or by yourself. Then you can put proper boundaries in place.

Unless you have other reasons to suspect your DH is unfaithful I'd be wary around challenging him on this. My DH worked PT when our kids were little and I felt really sorry for him because there weren't any other Dads taking the kids to pre-school activities and the Mums often rebuffed his attempts to be friendly so it was quite a lonely experience for him. Now our kids are older he has a bunch of Mums and a couple of Dads that he knows from various after-school activities that he chats to, but I don't know any of them and that's fine. It may be that this woman is the only person open to being friendly. If there was something going on he'd be less likely to be open with you about their friendship imo.

What's your next move op?

'is your husband a lovely, friendly sort of chap'

Yes. Yes he is. Especially when she's 25 and smoking

I don’t consider myself a cool wife, I’m always on the other side - but nothing has happened here. Two people get along well and have arranged meet ups with children in tow. It’s a bit premature for the affair storylines! If you see the same person at 2 clubs a week, it makes sense you’d chat to them a build some rapport.

Disclaimer: I am 25, so you may disregard anyway😂

Yeah he’s just coincidentally made friends with no men but JUST the mid 20’s HOT ONE

Just to clarify some things. I wouldn’t say we are cliquey at DDs school but there are clear groups of parents. This woman is not without friends, there is her and 4 other mums all who happened to have had kids a bit earlier than most of the parents in DDs class, all of them have daughters and I’d argue they are more cliquey than the rest of us!
Id be happy to befriend her, she just always stands separately etc.

As for tennis, I think she might have been going longer than DH, he only started going after Christmas as he now has Wednesday afternoons off.

I don’t really mind if they get a coffee during swimming, or chat during gymnastics but the Easter egg hunt is strange! For one it’s about an hours drive and he has told me he isn’t sure if they are going to drive separately or together.

DD isn’t close to the little girl as there seems to be a clear division in her class even now 2 terms in between kids who went to the school nursery together and the kids who came from private nurseries/other school nurseries/childminders. I’m sure she’s a lovely little girl, she seems very well behaved and DD doesn’t have any issues with her, they just aren’t close.

I think you should arrange a couple play date with you there too and then you will feel the vibe. If you have your head in a book at swimming then it makes sense she hasn’t tried a friendship with you. It may be she just wants friends and it’s completely innocent. I’m a single mum and weekends suck when everyone has a partner to do things with you spend a lot of time alone with the kids on outings, so I can see how that may have come about. If it is just a friendship then there won’t be any issues you being added to it. If your partner is funny about it then he’s the problem. If your partner get weird vibes off her then yes there is a problem

I don’t know, I don’t want them to do this egg hunt. We can’t easily change DDs hobby days as both the swimming and gymnastics are booked up so you sort of take the slot you get, plus childcare around working hours etc.

Im going to try and chat to DH more, I don’t know if he is also messaging her but I don’t feel comfortable checking his phone without permission.

Most men not all however.

If a women who is their friend offered them no strings attached sex they would take it.

Most men are friends with women they would sleep with. Be that the 45 year old at work with grand children or the fit 22 year old gym bunny.

The men with the pretty wives who out earn them, the men with the trad wives and the men with the perfectly normal wives and the men with the “fat slobby” wives.

The ones you’d never expect and the ones you think would shag anything with a pulse.

The men who hate cheaters. The men who never have the time.

Any man. All men. Some men. Men men.

A man that puts himself in the situation like ops dh.

Im sure ill
get lots not my Darren!! But every women said that and lots were proven wrong.

The coffee during swimming, yeah ok. The Easter egg hunt seems to be taking it too far for my liking. They will look like a couple/family! Your kids aren’t even friends, it’s weird.

It's an hour away and they might travel together, and the kids aren't even friends?! Fuck no to this. I would absolutely look at his phone. I would also tell him that he could meet up with someone who is actually a friend, but that is he goes out with this woman it's a deal-breaker for you. And mean it.

Protect your marriage.

Speak to him and outline your concerns. Providing you’re not someone who always has issue about other women (nothing in your post suggests you are) then he should be able to prioritise your feelings and not do the egg hunt.
Seeing someone at kids clubs is very different to going on a day out with them.