AIBU to feel uneasy about DH’s close friendship with another mum?

[Underbeliever]

Hi all, my DH and I have one daughter, she has just turned 5 and is in reception. Since Christmas we changed up our working hours, now DH finishes early on a Wednesday and Friday, these are the days DD has gymnastics and swimming so DH gets her from school and takes her straight on to them.
The issue is I feel he has developed a close friendship that feels somewhat too close to me with another parent.
This other parent is a bit younger than most of the parents of DDs classmates, I don’t know her massively well, she will smile and pass a comment at pick up, I’ve chatted to her a little at the big class parties but she has her own friends and I do mine. DD has never asked for a play date with her daughter so I’ve never felt the need to get any closer to her than that.
I think she is mid-20s and she is frankly stunning, it’s hard to not see that about her! I also know she is single.

Anyway by sheer coincidence and it’s been this way since the start of the school year when I used to do the Wednesday and Friday pick up, her daughter is in the same gymnastics class and swim lesson group as our DD. For the entire first term we hardly spoke, we would both sit in the viewing area for the swimming and I’d just read my book, we did our drop offs at gymnastics and maybe smiled but nothing more.
Now DH is doing it he seems to have gotten very close to her

1. On a Wednesday our local tennis club has an afternoon social, it’s mainly stay at home mums, retirees and the odd shift worker who might not get to the evening socials. DH and this mum both go to this. It finishes just in time for school pick up
2. While the kids are in gymnastics, they meet up and go to M&S, DH does our mid week shop but they also seem to gran a coffee while they wait, it’s in the same retail park as the gymnastics so I get they may just happen to both be doing the same thing, but this never happened when I was doing the gymnastics run!
3. On a Friday he told me they sit together while the girls do their swimming, taking turns to buy the coffees from the cafe

I still see her the other 3 days of the week on the school run, we still don’t really chat, so it doesn’t feel like it’s just our families getting closer.

Now on Easter Saturday I have a wedding to go to, DD isn’t invited and it’s my old uni friend so we decided DH would just stay home with DD. He has told me he and this mum are going to take the girls to an Easter egg hunt at a national trust site while I’m at the wedding, just them and the kids.

While I don’t think it has turned to anything physical yet, and I do trust DH not to cheat. It does feel like an emotional affair.
Anytime I mention to DH it makes me uncomfortable he says I’m being weird and he is DDs parent too and has just as much right as I do to be friends with her classmates parents, especially in a situation like this where they end up seeing each other incidentally quite often.

AIBU to be uncomfortable with this?

The only thing I can add is that when I made regular play dates with a dad from school (both of us were single, btw), just us and the kids, no other parents and kids, it was because there was something starting between us. We had a brief fling but it never turned into anything serious, and we don't do the play dates any more because our sons aren't particularly bothered about seeing each other 😂

I’m usually quite relaxed DH has lovely female uni friends but agree with others this is too far.

We are couple friends with local parents and I would feel uncomfortable having this level
of one to one time with any of the dads even ones in our friendship group.

I think it depends on his personality and if he's a friendly person in general. Is it inappropriate or is it because you feel left out? Is he like this with you gor example, do you do lots together with your children as a family, or does he put more effort in with her?

For those saying being stunning is irrelevant

it's never the plain jane these men - (who have no other close female friends and who usually aren't bothered by playground chatter ) - are so keen to have multiple hang outs with is it?

this is like office 'besties' - it's ALWAYS the hot young one they are suddenly 'just friends ' with.

This is sounding like a really close friendship - and anyone who has made a long term marriage work (and I am in that category) knows you have to be wise.

Being wise means you don't have close friendships with attractive people of the opposite sex that exclude your own partner.

Being wise means remembering that men and women who spend a lot of time together tend to form a little bond.

Trust your instinct Op - the multiple hang outs a week - with her not making any effort to befriend you - sound 100 per cent suss .

and btw my husband is chatty and friendly - I would say more so than a lot of men. He is absolutely happy to chat at the school gate - go to the park with the kids, make conversation - totally happy to be in female company.

But he has never formed a specific one to one friendship with a very attractive single woman that excludes me. Because that would clearly be dodgy ground and would make me feel uncomfortable.

I understand the chatting to other parents at clubs, grabbing a coffee etc but planning days out like the National trust bunny hunt is a bit much for me. It’s probably all quite innocent but a)this is how people become emotionally invested in others b) the kids aren’t close friends so who is the meet up for?
I would only do this if I was close friends with the other parent. So I would arrange something like this with a friend whose kid knew my kid but they weren’t close but could hang out a bit and I get to spend time with my mate.

My DH would know to keep his distance,would definitely not be encouraging a single mum.
She has lots of women at the school gates to be friends with ,yet chooses your husband.
Your husband,could equally send out messages he wasn't interested,yet instead he's buying coffees,and planning days out .
Not a chance in hell would my DH behave like that ,and nor would I put up with it .
The fact that you explained you feel uncomfortable and he has dismissed you,is not good either

This is so inappropriate op. As you say if she was friendly and you 2 had also chatted at the pool and gym classes fine but nope, she clearly is only interested in being 'friends' with men.

Tell him no fucking chance is he having a day out with her, that is so weird. If it was a group fine but just the 2 of them with kids who aren't even friends?

What's the tone of their messaging like?

None of this is recognisable in real life.

In real life the men I know have friends of different ages, sexes, sexualities, levels of perceived conventional attractivenes. DP's best friend at work is a 60yo Greek grandma. "Men are never friends with plain janes" is just not remotely accurate.

Most women I know aren't bothered by opposite-sex friendships (because we're sane) but if you are, it's not "men are only friends with stunning women" - it's "wives prone to jealousy and territorialism only notice when men are friends with stunning women".

Easter egg event is for families. Kids will be hunting for eggs and they get alone time without looking suspicious.

They're way too close. I'd look at his WhatsApp.

lol. If she’s sixty, she’s definitely unattractive right? If she’s Greek.. there can’t be anything going on!! She has grandchildren?! Oh well that means she has no sexuality at all….

listen to yourself, you sound about 12. Dishing out ridicule believe it or not doesn’t give you sagacity credibility. Weird, but true.

He's doing family holiday stuff with her.

I would cancel that wedding and go with your family if I were you.

Yeah, that's a huge boundary crossed. She's also not friendly with you even though meeting your husband for coffee and a holiday get together. If that's not a big red flag I don't know what is.

he says I’m being weird and he is DDs parent too and has just as much right as I do to be friends with her classmates parents

And yet the only parent he spends time with is female, single, young, stunning and not a parent of one of DD's friends... funny that.

I always find parents who almost ignore their own gender and Bline the other parent of the child someone to watch.

Especially if the children are not friends. There’s chatting to someone while you both watch your children swim friendly.

Then there is coffees and shopping and going to groups and then arranging play dates when your children are not friends. This isn’t about the children. They have become friends as the adults and the children are a cover for it.

Id never go shopping or out for coffee with the school mums husband. I’d be very well aware it would look odd and I’m married.

I think at a minimum your dh is enjoying the attention of this younger pretty women. But it doesn’t take much to start crossing a line when you refuse to see there is a problem at all.

She could be that Nonna making the best spaghetti in town! Cougar style.

If you decided to stay and go along for the Easter egg hunt, how do you think DH would respond? If she suddenly couldn't make it or he seemed put out, I would be suspicious that you'd ruined their little 'date'.

No I wouldn't like this at all. I do have a bit of a jealous streak (I know, not an attractive trait) but I can't imagine most people would be totally comfortable with this.

Im with you OP. What stood out to me was that she didnt approach you at all after being best friends with your dh.

Tell your dh hes a selfish twat; he shouldnt be using your dd as a chaperone if he wants to meet this woman. Your dd obv wants to go egghunting eith her friends and not with some kid whose mum her dad is attracted to.

Exactly!! The Agism was bizarre and as for the ‘ Greek’ mention.. goodness knows what point that served. Arianna stassinopoulos might like a word…

It could be innocent in that perhaps because she’s one of the youngest and pretty, the mum’s are a bit hostile towards her? It does happen plus mums form cliques and perhaps she doesn’t fit so she’s just happy OP’s DH is being friendly. Maybe she’s naive and if he is a bit ‘sexless’ as a PP said (older and not super attractive), she just likes the company but he fancies her so is trying to start something…

It’s going to be mighty awkward now for OP’s DH. Not like he can avoid the extracurricular clubs… I think it’s pretty obvious either way he fancies her, whether she does back or not is another thing.

I will say I once had to sit with a school Dad on a coach for 1.5 hours on a school trip. The teachers sat us together, it would not have been my choice. We actually got on which was nice but then he made a bit of a beeline for me whenever he saw me and would approach me. I did not find him attractive. He suddenly started turning up with his wife who was extremely frosty towards me, pulled me daggers etc and he stopped greeting me so I got the picture. It can be hard to be a fairly attractive parent, I had no interest in her husband.

I would not be comfortable either. Whilst I’d probably allow the chats at the clubs and a coffee at M&S anything else I would be very vocal about.

Oh yeah he was weird basically chasing after you. No wonder the wife was frosty not your fault all his.

I don’t mind a friendly chat in the playground waiting for the children or like I said if you both have to ensure the hour long swimming lesson every week.

But I’ve no interest in coffee or shopping or groups.

I’m quite chilled out usually about this sort of thing, but I would not be happy about the Easter Sunday thing. It’s a public holiday, a family day, it would really niggle me that everyone will assume they’re a family. Your husband is stupid if he can’t see your point on this. Isn’t it weird how he isn’t spending the day with Pete, the single dad who is a roofer, but the really pretty single girl. The two girls aren’t even mates!!

If you were friendly with her it would change the dynamic, but it’s odd how you and her don’t speak but she’s spending Easter Sunday with your husband.

Yeah I wouldn’t have this. Do they message? I would be keeping a very close eye on this. Could you change one of the days of the gymnastics or swimming? And tell your DH that they contacted you to see if you could make another time? I would just try and break the cycle of their little meet ups, or show up one evening if you can. It may seem petty but I would be really marking my territory so she knows who’s boss.

I’m not ajealous type at all but I would be concerned about this. I think not to be is quite naive actually. It all adds up - particularly that the girls aren’t even friends!

I'd turn this on it's head and ask him what he would think if the roles were reversed? Sadly, I think 'naive' and blinded dad would say, "I'd be fine with that." Making his dw seem even more unreasonable.