AIBU to feel uneasy about DH’s close friendship with another mum?

[Underbeliever]

Hi all, my DH and I have one daughter, she has just turned 5 and is in reception. Since Christmas we changed up our working hours, now DH finishes early on a Wednesday and Friday, these are the days DD has gymnastics and swimming so DH gets her from school and takes her straight on to them.
The issue is I feel he has developed a close friendship that feels somewhat too close to me with another parent.
This other parent is a bit younger than most of the parents of DDs classmates, I don’t know her massively well, she will smile and pass a comment at pick up, I’ve chatted to her a little at the big class parties but she has her own friends and I do mine. DD has never asked for a play date with her daughter so I’ve never felt the need to get any closer to her than that.
I think she is mid-20s and she is frankly stunning, it’s hard to not see that about her! I also know she is single.

Anyway by sheer coincidence and it’s been this way since the start of the school year when I used to do the Wednesday and Friday pick up, her daughter is in the same gymnastics class and swim lesson group as our DD. For the entire first term we hardly spoke, we would both sit in the viewing area for the swimming and I’d just read my book, we did our drop offs at gymnastics and maybe smiled but nothing more.
Now DH is doing it he seems to have gotten very close to her

1. On a Wednesday our local tennis club has an afternoon social, it’s mainly stay at home mums, retirees and the odd shift worker who might not get to the evening socials. DH and this mum both go to this. It finishes just in time for school pick up
2. While the kids are in gymnastics, they meet up and go to M&S, DH does our mid week shop but they also seem to gran a coffee while they wait, it’s in the same retail park as the gymnastics so I get they may just happen to both be doing the same thing, but this never happened when I was doing the gymnastics run!
3. On a Friday he told me they sit together while the girls do their swimming, taking turns to buy the coffees from the cafe

I still see her the other 3 days of the week on the school run, we still don’t really chat, so it doesn’t feel like it’s just our families getting closer.

Now on Easter Saturday I have a wedding to go to, DD isn’t invited and it’s my old uni friend so we decided DH would just stay home with DD. He has told me he and this mum are going to take the girls to an Easter egg hunt at a national trust site while I’m at the wedding, just them and the kids.

While I don’t think it has turned to anything physical yet, and I do trust DH not to cheat. It does feel like an emotional affair.
Anytime I mention to DH it makes me uncomfortable he says I’m being weird and he is DDs parent too and has just as much right as I do to be friends with her classmates parents, especially in a situation like this where they end up seeing each other incidentally quite often.

AIBU to be uncomfortable with this?

For me, I'd have no issues with hobbies and tennis, think to do coffee while shopping every week is little unusual, but again not out there because they are all places they have to be because of their kids (you mentioned you tended to have a book and your dh is chatty).

But Easter is odd. He should be making plans with his friends or dd's friends parents or just them - not a family type day out when your dad is not even that friendly with hers.

OP took her DD to the same activities and chose not to become friends. She read a book or simply nodded hello. She says this mum belongs to a different group at the school gate and their DDs aren't close. Maybe DH is dodgy but possibly he would be equally friendly towards anyone he recognised as having a child in the same class.

Of course you're not being unreasonable. He should not even have had to be asked to back away from her.

Why doesn't he care that she's behaving intrusively and upsetting his wife?

Let me take a wild stab in the dark and say she's not 57, covered in wrinkles and wears a floral patterned smock?

It's so very, very coincidental that these "friends" of married men are nearly all attractive and usually young enough to be considered hot by these men.

I'm sure it's just a fluke.

Would DH have gone out of his way to befriend her if she was older/plainer or a bloke? Because she hasn’t gone out of her way to get to know you all the times it was just you! She clearly wasn’t looking to make friends, and your DC aren’t driving the need for a friendship either. To me, the fact the DC do an activity together is irrelevant as they don’t mix together - it’s the equivalent of him getting close to a woman he sees regularly around the grocery shop or public transport. One of them obv decided to approach the other to start a convo and pursue a friendship that’s now grown. If it was her, that’s weird as she didn’t make the effort with you, if it was him - you know him best to decide if he is on the lookout for close friends and makes this effort with others. When was the last time he made a new friend? How frequently does he see his own friends?

The Easter egg outing is crossing a line as surely it should be something both girls enjoy meaning they spend it with their actual friends and their families or friends of yours they know well. I’d be vocal and say it wasn’t ok with me and he needs other plans - because (I) I wouldn’t want my child being used as a tool to facilitate this crush/emotional affair/whatever (ii) I believe that if you share finances, a home, bodies, retirement plans and children - you do get a say in who he chooses to invite into your lives.

We do it. Not because we want to. Around half of DD’s friendship group it’s the dad who handles the activities. Note the word ‘friendship group’. I’d say the odd part is your children not being friends, of course the friendship may develop.
I wouldn’t be impressed if DH accused me of wanting to throw myself at much younger dads- I’d tell him to go on my place- gladly.

The Easter egg hunt is a bit 🥴 honestly though, how would you feel if it was an older / less attractive lady? (How would he?) why can’t he take DD’s actual friends along? Maybe he can give them a lift.

Does he mention this woman a lot? Is there any way you can start talking to her as well?

Doesn't sound odd to me, my DH speaks and has coffee with some mums that I can't be bothered to tbh, your reading far to much into it and technically you never made any effort to make her a friend and he did so what's the problem we can have other sexes for friends and coffee buddies...maybe I shouldn't go to the Easter egg hunt because I'm getting a lift with a male who has a child from one of our daughters schools because my dh has car for work that day...sorry but if you can't trust then don't be in a relationship

The Easter egg hunt is an opportunity for them to see each other, not for your daughter to see her friend, as they are not friends. This is crossing a line.

@Underbeliever I had a "friendship" with two divorced parents due to my ds and theirs being besties. Tbh I would have preferred the dad's company to the mum's because she was quite obnoxious in her view of things (very catholic) whereas the dad (single) was very laidback, intelligent and funny. Yet I turned down all his invitations to do stuff together but I allowed him to take my ds for outings/playdate sometimes. I claimed to be busy because I know I had to be wary. And he was single!

You’re right op, doesn’t sound innocent at all. The girls aren’t even friends so it really is just them wanting to get together. Egg hunt is just crossing a big line. Don’t let the cool girls here make you think you’re the one with the problem.

Exactly!

This is not a get together focused on what the kids want to do for the holiday, it's for your husband and the other woman to go out on a holiday date together and their kids have to go along rather than doing what they would like to do.

Would it be different if it were the same mum 2+ times a week?

He might well have done with a bloke but I don't think he'd be inviting him on an egg hunt trip an hour away somehow. Perhaps if the girls were close friends it would be different but they're not so he's concocting ways to spend more time with her because he fancies her. She may or may not feel the same way, she might be naive and just thinks he's a nice guy (especially if he's a fair bit older and not very attractive).

It’s not that black and white though, is it? No matter his trusting you are, there has to be a point at which you think, I trust you but there’s a limit - the trust doesn’t carry on endlessly when someone is doing things which look a bit off. Even without lying (he’s not lying - he’s telling OP where he is) he is still doing things which make her think that he is putting himself in a situation which could be harmful to their relationship.

OP, given that she’s attractive as well, you are right to be wary of nipping this keenness to spend so much time together without you in the bud.

@Underbeliever, this wouldn’t be happening in my marriage. Your H is indeed playing with fire. Your concern that their connection has moved into EA territory is spot on.

In my view your H is attracted to and over-invested in this OW, and they have created a cozy validation bubble via their frequent contact. They’re acting like a new couple, and the Easter excursion is an escalation — an orchestrated date during your absence, using the children as cover. I would bet big money that their riding together is already in the works.

Although you have expressed your valid concern about their growing closeness, H has dismissed your feelings. In doing so he is prioritizing and protecting their relationship over yours. You need answers, so I would be investigating his phone out of his presence. Much of the truth is very likely contained there unless he is deleting.

I suggest that you read Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass. She examines how primary relationships are damaged when one partner blurs boundaries and builds intimacy with a third party by investing more and more emotional energy, time and attention in the new relationship That dynamic is happening here.

@Underbeliever, your marriage is under threat due to H’s deepening connection to OW, so you need to take definitive action. Tell him emphatically that he is crossing your boundaries and you are not interested in a 3-prong marriage. Tell him there will be consequences if he doesn’t cancel the Easter trip and distance himself from OW. Remind him that he has much to lose.

If the kids aren’t even friends, then the Easter outing is for them and not the kids. 🚩

Hit the nail on the head there.

YANBU OP.
Their ‘friendship’ sounds too intense, too much. Who gets coffee with the same person of the opposite sex twice a week aswell as spending an afternoon a week at a tennis club with them, then arranges a weekend outing with them - especially if one person is married?
I think there is a ‘more than friends’ interest on at least one side here.

Men will never spend time with or befriend women they find unattractive. He’s crossing a line.

The Easter Egg hunt is a step too far.

Agree. They showed their hand with that. The rest of it you could broadly get over as circumstantial but the Easter trip on a special day somewhere quite a drive away when the kids are indifferent to each other is definitely weird.

I can assure you that I am extremely plain and have always had male friends, some who are objectively attractive.

YANBU. The Easter egg hunt is crossing the line if nothing else. Put a stop to that. And of course she just happens to be very attractive lol. I wonder if he'd put this much effort into a friendship with an unattractive woman. Do you think they also text or call?

It's possible to find extremely plain people attractive. Are you saying you've never had a male sexual partner?

What a bizarre reply! Yes, I've had male sexual partners. I'm married. However, middle age hasn't been kind to me, and I think I'm objectively pretty unattractive at the moment. This has not prevented me making close male friends in middle age.

One of them in fact was a school dad from DS's primary (who is unusually good-looking, and was in the process of a divorce at the time, and who never made a pass of any kind. )

I'm not coming on here for a pity party for my lack of good looks, just saying that in my experience men don't only befriend women they want to sleep with!

Could you start a conversation with her instead of reading next time maybe. My children are adults now but was a single parent for years. I used to chat with mums and dads whoever brought their child along at swimming lessons etc. I wasn't trying to cop off with the dads whatever anyone thought at the time. Maybe a day out with the kids is a way of encouraging friendship between the respective children