Just found out my husband of 3 years has been cheating for the past 18 months

[Gobsmacked39]

Long story short. On holiday with hubby; this is our first day of a two week holiday. It didn’t start great as his luggage was lost at the airport, so a bit cranky because of it. Trying to help him trace his luggage whilst he was in the pool only to find hundreds of messages, videos, suggestive pics of my hubby and one of his older former colleagues. This has apparently been going on for the past 18 months, whilst we’ve been married for 3 years and going through IVF in the past year. I’m absolutely devastated. I’m struggling to process what’s going on; feeling quite emotionally detached from it all - maybe it’s the shock. Things have not been perfect with IVF and miscarriages but this started way before that …. The messages broke me with I LOVE YOU being said on a daily basis. I’m reading through them and I don’t recognize my marriage; I feel like we’ve been living 2 different realities. He says he loves me but then allegedly he’s infatuated with her… but doesn’t want to break up. I can’t even process what’s going on ….

Don't enable him

End the relationship by going home right now

See a solicitor ASAP

Get counselling for your emotional pain

No more IVF

I would get myself on the next flight home. Don’t let this manchild manipulate you.

Hi OP, I discovered my then partner was cheating me also while I was on holiday. We were away on a smallish island and there were only two flights a week so we were stuck there for 4 days while we waited to go home. He was (apparently) beside himself at what he’d done but looking back now, he was really only sorry he’d been caught.

The first thing I did was check myself into hotel room. I needed space away from his crying and that last few days on my own massively helped. I was able to think clearly, went for a couple of beachfront walks and without all the ‘noise’ of him, knew I absolutely could not continue in a relationship where the betrayal ran so deep. Had it been a moment of madness, I would have considered therapy to see if we could work our way through it but like you, this was 2 years of lies, manipulation and living a double life. There was no coming back from that and the clear space away from him helped me to see it.

A panic attack!? How fucking dare he! He’s torpedoed your life!!!

He definitely is not worth wasting the rest of your life on. He sounds selfish and shallow . And really a lot more capable then he probably wants you to think. He managed to keep an 18 month affair secret. So all the time you have been doing everything for him . He has been making the effort to do stuff for another woman. He is just taking you for granted . If not her it will be someone else.
And all at the same time as Ivf. He should be so ashamed of himself.
I bet part of why he had some sort of panic attack is he does not want friends and family knowing how awful he is.

Men like this always need a mummy, don't they?
Here he is not cheating with a younger child-free dolly bird (not saying this would be right but it's what most grown up men would choose if they were inclined to cheat) but an actual mother-of-two.

I suspect that as she has two kids already, she'll be able to tuck him in.

Manchild clearly.
OP sounds successful and sensible but obviously has a thing for menchildren.

I'd have such the ick for a man who didn't at least own his infidelity like a man, leaving him would not be an issue emotionally just practically.

OP please do something to change the fact that you need to mother these fucking muppets.
Adopting the foetal position, ugh!!!

@Gobsmacked39 she’s in damage limitation mode and wants to make sure her life remains unaffected.

You don’t owe her a conversation.How would this benefit you in any way?

Hmmmm 🤔 Seems legit.

Don’t speak to her op
she’ll just be bricking it you’ll tell her husband
what can she possibly say? You’re seen the proof

Is one of them a doctor?

Bloody hell what a piece of shit he is 💩

You said you took screenshot of the act?
Did you send any evidence from his phone to yours? 🤔

I wouldn't do anything rash (like cut up clothes or revenge tactics). But I would do the following:

1. Try and process what is going on, and do not make any rash decisions and try to keep a clear head, as your have had a big shock. 😔
2. Get some space (whether another hotel room, a different hotel or a flight home). ✈️
3. Get organised In terms of evidence, and bank it for later, including knowing the OWs name and her husband's name for in future. 👍
4. Get organised with financial paperwork in regards to your home, marriage, pension, (as another PP kindly recommended). 🖊
5. I wouldn't give any assurances to the OW, a PP gave some good advice, and said I'm still raw etc, which is a good response. Fuck her. 🖕
6. Get yourself organised and look after yourself first and foremost, including with a sexual health screen check, as he could be passing anything on to you 🤢
7. You say you don't want to stoop to a certain level? I disagree. Her poor husband has EVERY right to know. Put yourself in his shoes, wouldn't you want to know? You wouldn't be blowing up their lives. THEY have done that to themselves. Pair of shits 💩

Edited to add: please look after yourself OP. I'm sorry this happened. But at least it happened now, before you had kids to this scumbag and you have seen his true colours before it was too late. 🫂
@Gobsmacked39

You seem overly fixated on finances, OP - as if being financially secure means a man won’t stray. They will always find someone who they find prettier and more exciting - it’s wrong, but that’s just life.

I really feel for you - if you are intending to remain on holiday and DH is sulking in the room, then great. Do what you can to enjoy yourself - chill by the pool with a book, some nice walks, lovely food which is to your own preference.

I would be tempted to chat up any hunky singletons in the vicinity too - have a little holiday romance to take your mind off things. Why should be the only one to have some filth on the side, you now have an opportunity to do it guilt free.

Be kind to yourself x

Great advice - I would just add to get a free 30 minutes booked in with a good divorce lawyer for your return x

If he can cheat on you about love, and your entire relationship I would think he is capable of cheating about money and assets.
What bank accounts does he have, do you own a house together?
Get angry and check soonest, before he and OW or his parents try and hide money.

FGS dont talk to the OW!! I cannot see how that’s going to help in any way. It will just be more lies and manipulation like your worm of a husband. Also she is probably now really worried you are going to tell her DH. I totally would - he deserves to know.

The OP wrote:

This was the typical I’m 43 and need to feel sexy again whilst my just as doesn’t notice be anymore and I take care of my kids, it’s his fault and his fault only for betraying me

It is probably too early for me, as I read this as OP referring to herself. Triple checking and she might be speaking about the OW. Understandable it isn't clear given the shock she has had.

Please don't sit & thrash this out, ad nauseam, with him. Every other word will be a lie, a deflection & self serving.
He doesnt want a monogamous marriage, he doesn't love you, he loves the thrill of being wanted by 2 different admirers, it doesn't really matter why.
The whole IVF slog makes it so much worse, he allowed you to take body changing medication to create a new human being while simultaneously screwing another woman.
There is no talking or explaining that can undo this.
Remove yourself immediately, to another hotel, or try & get home.
Don't listen to his self serving whining.
If he needs support he needs to be told you sre not his free therapist
I would eventually tell her husband
I would tell his family
I would tell him to find alternative accommodation until your house is sold.
I would instruct a solicitor for a divorce asap
edited to add, you need to urgently look at all finances, spending & safeguard your assets

I would either go home or get a room at another hotel, block him and try to get your head round his betrayal without his theatrics. He is making it all about him with his panic attacks and needing you to mummy him. It will soon turn to anger once he realises you have seen through him.
The OW is unimportant, she will be panicking and will in conjunction with your husband try to make out their affair was because he felt neglected or some other shit whilst you were going through IVF to manipulate you to think it was your fault.
You are the one who is devastated from his betrayal, his actions and words are meaningless now and you need time to get your head round that your marriage is over. Reach out to your parents/ friends and get emotional support because you need TLC. Don’t let his betrayal make you feel you need to take on his shame and feel embarrassed in any way. You got this Queen x

I doubt the other woman wants him as a permanent fixture.
Menchildren can be fun but no good with the practicalities of life.
That's what husbands are for.

There’s no point talking to him or OW. What could they possibly say to make it ok?

Trying to help him trace his luggage whilst he was in the pool only to find hundreds of messages, videos, suggestive pics of my hubby and one of his older former colleagues.

I don’t understand how you found messages to another woman when you were supposed to be looking for his luggage.

Oooh I’ve had another idea OP.

If your DH does decide to surface then I’d show him what he’s going to be missing out on. Assuming it’s a pool/beach type of holiday - get to the local shops and find a really skimpy bikini - one of those thong ones ideally.

He’ll soon feel stupid when you are strutting around poolside in that!

Did I read that right? You're tucking him to bed because he's had a panic attack?

Seriously, have you no self respect?

Hi OP. God, what a shock. I'm so sorry this is happening. I want to echo other PP who have given lovely clear explanations of what to do now. I know you care for this man, and so seeing him have a panic attack and threaten suicide will make you want to protect him, but it's best to view this behaviour as a corned animal in panic. You can still be kind whilst centering yourself.

1. Speak to reception and get a different room
2. Tell him you are giving him some peace and quiet, and you will check on him at x time tomorrow
3. Find out if there are any English language charities like Samaritans in the country you are in, and leave him the number. Tell him if he feels he is in crisis he needs to call the emergency number where you are.
4. Tell OW you are not ready to talk, and you will let her know if and when you are, and not to contact you in the meantime
5. Try not to drink the bottle of champagne. If you need a drink, have one or two stiff shots just to get to sleep. Depending on what country you are in, you may be able to buy melatonin easily to help with sleep too, you could ask at reception. You need to keep your head fresh, and a hangover will be the worst thing to wake up with tomorrow.

Wishing you lots of strength 💐

She might be fat.