Just found out my husband of 3 years has been cheating for the past 18 months

[Gobsmacked39]

Long story short. On holiday with hubby; this is our first day of a two week holiday. It didn’t start great as his luggage was lost at the airport, so a bit cranky because of it. Trying to help him trace his luggage whilst he was in the pool only to find hundreds of messages, videos, suggestive pics of my hubby and one of his older former colleagues. This has apparently been going on for the past 18 months, whilst we’ve been married for 3 years and going through IVF in the past year. I’m absolutely devastated. I’m struggling to process what’s going on; feeling quite emotionally detached from it all - maybe it’s the shock. Things have not been perfect with IVF and miscarriages but this started way before that …. The messages broke me with I LOVE YOU being said on a daily basis. I’m reading through them and I don’t recognize my marriage; I feel like we’ve been living 2 different realities. He says he loves me but then allegedly he’s infatuated with her… but doesn’t want to break up. I can’t even process what’s going on ….

No way, to cold rainy Blighty must be joking!?

I know where I would rather be, and I get the impression @Gobsmacked39 is definitely not a shrinking violet.

He’s the one that needs to come back to the miserable wet, cold and wind.

Hi op this is shit sorry you are going through this especially on holiday his panic attack might be real but this doesn’t mean you should forgive and forget he has blatantly been going out of his way to do this cheating and he got her pregnant. Op can you get your own room to have some space to process it all he’s going to try and manipulate you but your not stupid you know there’s no going back it’s not like it was a mistake it was deliberate and the fact he got her pregnant is even worse because of your own struggles he wasn’t even man enough to leave you for his own child are you sure he even wanted kids? I would be getting away from him for now and when you get home get an sti check if you did catch anything from the horrible twat tell the womens husband yeh she is not your husband but she quite happily opened her legs for him and her dh has a right to know if he any type of sexual disease

You are not being manipulated OP, because you know exactly what he's doing. It's like you are both role playing, I just don't understand why you are playing along with him? Tucking him into bed? Seriously? Get a separate room and position yourself as far away from him as you can while you plan your divorce think through your options. What a bastard!

Im so sorry. I can't remember what it was with my exh but some sort of sexting or inappropriate behaviour (I think trauma blanked it out) and i went through the whole I dont recognise this person I don't know who he even was. It just didnt even marry up. Its devastating and the shock is horrendous. I think because of this I ended up staying for the person who i thought he was and you know what, that wasn't him. He was showing me who he was. I should have ran. The minute i realised i was worth more a deserved better i was out of there. Embarrassingly it did take me 10 yrs!!! He was showing me who he was and continued to over the years. Now hes exh and a worse ex partner / father than i could have imagined. Love my children but good god can't believe my lack of self worth made me stay and have children with him. Dont think about the future you thought you had, think about can you live with yourself and still love him like you did. It will eat away at you for years i promise you. The trust has gone and he will do it again. Sending you the strength it took me over 10 years to gain ❤️❤️❤️❤️

OP, my ex used to do just this. In the end I got so fed up of the manipulation and self h4rm threats that I told him to just get on and do it but be quiet about it. Does he have a will leaving everything to you? Let him carry on, saves having to deal with a divorce. Sorry but I have no patience for these manipulative man babies. Big hugs OP

How awful. I'm sorry, OP 🌺

I'm guessing he's sticking with you because he wants kids (and / or has embryos with you?) and the OW doesn't. How absolutely despicable. And to betray you this way during IVF and miscarriages is unforgivable. You deserve so, so much better.

The pity party he's throwing himself is a complete joke, by the way. And of course he won't even give you the dignity of a bit of space. (Sleeping at the foot of your bed? After everything he's done? Ew.) Do what you have to do to get away from him, and take your two week holiday somewhere you can actually get some rest.

And then after you've got your head togther, you can move forward. You're tougher than you know. You've got this..

It's irrelevant as it is a manipulation tool he is utilising that serves to change OP's focus to 'why he was forced to do this' (due to historical social class pressures behind his control) when the focus should be on him having made a choice every month for 18 months to cheat on his new wife.

He had agency. He is not a victim of his upper middle class upbringing. He is a low class, low grade man, that behaves terribly.
OP needs keep sight of this.

sorry op :(

Book a flight home and leave the cheating bastard there. 💐

OP. If you can't get an earlier flight home is there anyone you trust who has a key to your house, who could go and get any documents you might need. Not just financial, but things like your marriage and birth certificates, and anything else you value and don't want him taking or destroying.

I didn't comment on what I think your experience is.

I gave my opinion on OP's situation, which is the whole point of MN.

I did query how an 18 month full-blown love affair could be called a one-off, and I saw you re-visit your calling it that in subsequent posts.

And I did ask how long your husband's affair went on for.

I know that some couples do stay together after an affair, I'm sure for a variety of reasons, and that's their decision to make.

I said that I personally would not even consider trying to stay together and move past a betrayal such as OP has suffered.
It was not meant as a criticism of you and your decision to stay with your husband.

Ahhh the classic get-found-out-for-cheating-and-then-threaten-suicide switcheroo. My husband did the exact same manoeuvre 9 months ago. I think they must teach all the boys to do this when we’re taken aside to learn about periods at school.

A word about what to expect next: I also informed his parents that he was spiralling and threatening to end himself, and then the next two weeks was the “poor DH” show.

“Don’t shout at DH for being a shithead! He’s might end it all!”
”Don’t contact the other woman! You could ruin his career!”
”I can’t believe you called me a psycho when I’m so FRAGILE right now!”

You get the picture. Be prepared. It’s not fun.

But it sounds like you’re a sensible human and you have the whole of mumsnet rooting for you. Luckily he’s outed himself as a dickhead before you replicated any of his genes.

I’m 9 months on from my ordeal, and while we’re still negotiating the divorce (was focusing on getting the house sold) I’m proud to say that the universe has really dealt me a blinder with this one. I was the organiser and the kind one too. I would have tolerated him treating me like shit forever, if he hadn’t cheated. I feel very, very fortunate that he did. You will too.

Good luck.

Oh and some rage song recommendations:

• Backbone - Chase & Status / Stormzy
• Shake It Out - Florence & The Machine
• Little Girl Gone - Chinchilla
• Let You W/In - Lily Allen (actually, the entirety of West End Girl. What a privilege to be divorcing in the year of our lord Lily Allen)

@user1492757084 STDs don't put your life at risk. They wont kill you 🙄

You need I will survive by Gloria Gaynor

After the first ow he came back because it was ' the biggest mistake of his life' apparently.

When I confronted him about another woman he had been seeing for 18 months he ended up on his knees crying into a tea cloth. His sister then rang me to tell me she was worried he 'might do something. So I let him talk to me. I had my own place an hour away at this point. He dropped flowers at my door , sent me emails, offered to take me away, etc etc

It was after this I discovered he had kept the home fires burning with the first ow, he is now married to her.

Don't be me. 🙄

Well that's OK then, what's a little herpes or hiv but a little inconvenience, life long medication and social isolation/embarrassment. Pfft

No, but syphilis and gonorrhoea are extremely nasty diseases that are getting harder and harder to treat

I mean the weather is kind of immaterial. It’s more about being near people that can support her when she undoubtedly needs it. She’s hardly going to have a fun time on holiday is she, after this?

Apart from his distress at being found out, not at anything else, imagine a lot of his distress is because he and her haven't put their plans in place yet to get ready for him to leave you out if the blue.

Usually the bloke seems to leave and have all his accommodation and sexual needs, house keeping all sorted out before he torpedoes his dw life.

You're both in utter shock. I expect he'll make her out to be a psycho next. Don't talk to her again. He is her problem to sort out. She sounds a delight doesn't she?

There really is nothing to say. Unless you plan to keep him onside and split as equally as possible whilst he is prostrating himself with his stupidity.

Head up, dark glasses on, and call home ASAP.

Both in shock? Did the OPs husbands fling not know he was married? She's married. The OP is the person who should be in shock here

First day of a two week holiday. Just get home any way you can or stay and get away from him.

I’m so sorry you are going through this awful situation. I don’t it doesn’t seem this way now but you will be so better off without him. A year from now you will be on to a wonderful new life that you deserve.

Oh OP, I’m so sorry. What a bastard. When it’s all over at least you will never have to speak to him again - not so much a silver lining as a rusty iron one, but there you go.

The good news is that you won't be having children with him and eventually rid of him to start anew with a partner who is your equal and who loves you if you so wish.

I wish I was kidding when I ask if there isn't some kind of diagnosis for that kind of behaviour - he could be my father, always weirdly infatuated with older ladies, entirely useless at home, faking panic attacks and threats of self-harm, eventually turning violent against his wife.

Like you, my mother was also an empath who thought nothing of being treated badly until she was cheated on. He sounds like he won't be able to deal with you leaving him, so prepare yourself to distance yourself from him as much and as quickly as possible.

Like the OW, the fantasy as well as the duper's delight having a trusting partner who ends up completely blindsided were part of the excitement of cheating. It all sounds completely unhealthy and I wish for you to be able to leave it all behind as quickly as possible. All the best.

You clearly have your wits about you you’re very well coped to deal with this and come out stronger than over but you do have a tough few weeks ahead.

kick him out of hotel room.

be as cold and as straightforward as you can don’t give him any emotional how could you, tears etc save that for your friends

if you still want a baby do ivf with a sperm donor much less stress than coparenting with an arse