Just found out my husband of 3 years has been cheating for the past 18 months

[Gobsmacked39]

Long story short. On holiday with hubby; this is our first day of a two week holiday. It didn’t start great as his luggage was lost at the airport, so a bit cranky because of it. Trying to help him trace his luggage whilst he was in the pool only to find hundreds of messages, videos, suggestive pics of my hubby and one of his older former colleagues. This has apparently been going on for the past 18 months, whilst we’ve been married for 3 years and going through IVF in the past year. I’m absolutely devastated. I’m struggling to process what’s going on; feeling quite emotionally detached from it all - maybe it’s the shock. Things have not been perfect with IVF and miscarriages but this started way before that …. The messages broke me with I LOVE YOU being said on a daily basis. I’m reading through them and I don’t recognize my marriage; I feel like we’ve been living 2 different realities. He says he loves me but then allegedly he’s infatuated with her… but doesn’t want to break up. I can’t even process what’s going on ….

You are so lucky that you live in an age when mumsnet and other advices are available to you.

Years ago people didn’t have half this information. He is going to turn this around and act like a victim PROTECT YOURSELF.

You are vulnerable and clearly have invested your all into this relationship. He hasn’t. One person can’t make a relationship no matter how hard they work. You can’t do it.

You do not need to make any decisions today or this week or this year. Just observe his baby behaviour when he has done something wrong. This is him and if you decide to continue your life with him, you will be his mammy.

He says he loves me but then allegedly he’s infatuated with her… but doesn’t want to break up.

Well, that's not his decision to make is it? And its all very well to say he loves you - the important thing is are you happy with what his form of 'loving you' entails? Messaging the OW and telling her he'd rather be on holiday with her, FFS. What matters now is what YOU want.

It sounds as if this has ripped the scales from your eyes anyway. 3 years into marriage and you are already fed up that you do 'everything' and putting up with what you recognise as his 'shortcomings'.

This must be absolute hell for you OP - sending strength as you get through the next few days.

One dumb comment after another. What's happened to this place?!

It sounds an absolutely awful situation, OP - and so far from home. Can you at least move to another hotel room, until you can get an earlier flight home? I think I'd be looking to get back on an earlier flight, and start putting affairs in order. I'm assuming it's over between you.

I am so sorry about your situation. Hope you can find a path back to happiness whatever happens to your marriage.

OP, can I just clarify? Did you really "tuck him in" bed?

So sorry this had happened to you. Who cares what he wants? What matters is you. I'd be inclined to tell her she is welcome to him and ltb. Bet that will totally freak him? Wishing you well.

Good post!
I have heard most if not all of those excuses before. I've also had the threats of suicide. He didn't carry it through either, funnily enough.

100%. Also a good way to inform his parents:

”Your son has told me he’s very unwell. Letting you know as I can’t look after him. Our relationship is now over, due to his 18 month affair.”

Agree with @Anyahyacinth that hotels (especially high end ones, which I assume this is given OP’s income) should be helpful in supporting. Especially if OP speaks to an older woman, who’ll (sadly) know from experience how often this can happen.

OP just to add - it's not 'usual' for so many strangers on MN to say "you sound like a strong and calm woman who has the resilience and reserves to get yourself out of this mess which is not of your making."

You need to take them (us) all seriously as this is a statistical anomaly innit?

At the very least you might come out of this thinking 'lots of people believe I am unusually competent/resilient/calm/strong'. with that knowledge, you may go on to do amazing things - or just to live a happy, satisfying, calm life. That might be with a long term partner who is like you - but if not, you'll not only survive but be liberated : there are maaany upsides to a fully individual life.

Wishing you the good future you deserve.

OP you need to take care of yourself and get support - he's not on your side in all this. In your position I would tell him you are moving to a different hotel to get some space to think, but in reality get yourself home, locate all the paperwork you will need for lawyers, get recommendations of a really good divorce solicitor and make an appointment, tell your friends and family and work out a short term plan of what YOU want to happen - not what he does. Then you are better prepared when he comes back.

I’m so sorry he’s done this, OP. Please don’t speak to the OW - nothing good could come of it. You’ve had some very good advice here and I agree it’s best to get away, get angry and file for divorce. Please don’t allow the man-child to try to manipulate you. I went through a similar experience early in my marriage and he begged me to take him back. I did. 20 years later he left our family for a 30-year old. The cheating narcissists all use the same playbook. Life is great on the outside of a marriage like this. You are strong and I wish you all the best. Also, please take a look at Chumplady.com xx

Wow. I wrote “I genuinely believe it was a one off” ie he wouldn’t have another affair. That he wouldn’t betray me again - and hasn’t since. My husband had a full blown affair with a work colleague. I would never ever compare the fall out of one affair to another. It’s way too complex. But I wouldn’t have commented (and triggered myself in doing so) if the situation hadn’t resonated with me enough to do it, if I didn’t see myself in the OP’s position.
I knew it would be an unpopular opinion - but some people do manage to work through it and I just wanted to share a different perspective. But it’s fine, you’re entitled to your opinion on what you think my experience is.

I’d have a holiday too.

Surprised you haven't left him sooner op. You sound too switched on to be partnered with a muppet

I cant believe he wouldnt get tested as part of ivf process

Don’t let him manipulate you now with his panic attacks and vomiting. I’d personally fly home and leave him to do what he wants. It would be over. Sorry you’re going through this, so far away from home.

What a horrible thing to find out.
Self harm threats or worse are abhorrent and a well known tactics so they can continue with the “woe is me.”
Go home and tell family and friends. You need the support and it’s not your shame. Sending positive vibes and strength.

I’m so sorry. He’s a cheat and a liar and emotionally immature. He is lazy and home and has you running around as his little maid. See him for who he is, and not who you so desperately want him to be- the facade of the last few years has/is falling and you need a clear reassessment. He’s pathetic. You are not. Don’t chain yourself to pathetic.

I’m so sorry this has happened to you OP and even more so as you are so far from home. Please look after yourself and don’t make any rash decisions or say and/or do anything you may later regret. Calm dignity in front of him will make him realise what he’s lost. I hope you’ve managed to either get your own room or gone home on your own so that you have space to think and make considered choices. Sending you love and hugs. You will get through this and have a happier future xx

Id see how much it is to get another room and leave him to it

I can only second this. Hugs to you OP. Please get rid of this man you can and will find better than him.

How long are you away for?
Def book yourself another room. Its somewhere to go to make private calls and use the Internet.

Change your flight. Earlier is better, and ask the airline if you can either upgrade.

He's trying to control the narrative. He is not your friend and don't imagine for a moment he isn't getting support from her. Ignore her, how he feels etc, concentrate on you.

Contact your family, tell them, arrange for transport for you when you land.

If you have a joint account, pop online and move 50% to your personal account.

Presumably you don't want to stay with him? If you are totally confused, you don't have to answer him or anyone else right now. Just say ' I don't want to talk about it today'

Ref home, he isn't going to move out, is he? Get the place valued, he can buy you out or put it on the market.

Strongly advise for your own mental health you move out. Does your job offer counselling? Call and book immediately. Someone to rant at.

Also of course, contact a solicitor now, have a video call and get the show on the road.

Can you fly a friend out, or your mum?

I don’t believe people are telling you to go home, HE should be fucking off, not you.

I presume they think @Gobsmacked39 may feel better amongst friends/family?

I am so sorry this is happening to you, to tell you about her pregnancy is beyond cruel, I would try and get a flight home and leave him there x