Just found out my husband of 3 years has been cheating for the past 18 months

[Gobsmacked39]

Long story short. On holiday with hubby; this is our first day of a two week holiday. It didn’t start great as his luggage was lost at the airport, so a bit cranky because of it. Trying to help him trace his luggage whilst he was in the pool only to find hundreds of messages, videos, suggestive pics of my hubby and one of his older former colleagues. This has apparently been going on for the past 18 months, whilst we’ve been married for 3 years and going through IVF in the past year. I’m absolutely devastated. I’m struggling to process what’s going on; feeling quite emotionally detached from it all - maybe it’s the shock. Things have not been perfect with IVF and miscarriages but this started way before that …. The messages broke me with I LOVE YOU being said on a daily basis. I’m reading through them and I don’t recognize my marriage; I feel like we’ve been living 2 different realities. He says he loves me but then allegedly he’s infatuated with her… but doesn’t want to break up. I can’t even process what’s going on ….

Op has said they are on a combined salary of £200K so probably could easily afford another room.
I hope OP is having a good sleep now as she didn't sleep last night.

Your husband is a lying cheating pratt. You owe him nothing. He is a pathetic weak specimen and you deserve so much better.

Let him stay in the room with his panic attacks and throwing up. You go out. Try to eat and drink something, get some sun, get angry, and decide what you want to do.

Do not do silly things like hiding his passport. I don't say this often but when you get home start making plans to leave this hideous man.

You state you earn nearly £200k between you so your finances sound OK. What I can't get over is how weak and jealous your husband is. He resents that people at the private school he went too earn more than him. Pathetic. You seem a sensible very fair woman. He is lucky to have you. Not for much longer hopefully.

Do make sure that all finances are shared equally though.

His hysteria, threats to srlf harm are all part of domestic abuse which is clearly a factor in this relationship.

You put him first, tuck him in?
Ffs, you can't really believe that is normal.

He's a man-child and certainly not father material.

I really hope you will not be talked down by him.
It would be awful to inflict such scum on a child.
I am so sorry.

The dynamics of your relationship are really off.
More mike parent and very small child.
Tucking him in🤢?

Bit harsh don’t you think ?

She’s 53, got pregnant and had an abortion…. Have I understood that correctly?

edit… sorry! I misread your earlier post when you were speaking from her perspective.

Sorry you’re stuck in this position OP. I wouldnt believe a word he says and would consider how you protect yourself best you can. If she’s brazen enough to state they love a version of each other and to go into those details, it suggests it might run a bit deeper, she may be hoping you leave him!

Tuck him in? After cheating and potentially getting someone pregnant? Dear God.

What I would do is ask the hotel to move me rooms.

Or tell him to find other accommodation - this is intolerable

No. She's 43 I think. I thought she was 53 at first but think it's the other woman who is 43.

It's not though. It sounds to me like he might have mummy issues and low self esteem. Not that that excuses his behaviour one bit. He has certainly acted like a shit but he is also a screwed up guy. I'm not suggesting he deserves understanding but it might help the OP or others in similar circumstances in time.

Hotel staff often have support available (related to DV) so it would definitely be worth approaching them for help with another room or help to go out..safe storage for YOUR passport.

When it happened to me complete strangers were angels on earth and a huge kind support. So many people have been similarly hurt. 🫂❤️

I hope you have support or feel strong enough to see where you’ve travelled to and take back the control. He is no good and the silver lining in an awful situation is that you didn’t have children with him…he is unworthy of you. You will build a better life 🌅

Stop offering him support for the pain HE has inflicted

This.
Of course he's not gonna hurt himself.
Divorce him and take him for what you can.

This was not a one night stand, this was a year and a half of deceit, of sharing his life with someone that wasn't you, of telling another woman that he loved her, all whilst you had miscarriages and IVF. There is low and then there is the lowest of the low.
Please fly home, get everything you need sorted, Pack his stuff and make an appointment with a divorce lawyer and get things under way. Take control of what happens next.
Leave him lying by the pool all on his own.

I'd be booking a better room and soaking his passport in a pint of beer..

Yeah like I’ve said, I meant one off as in the affair never happened again. I didn’t mean a literal one night stand. People say once a cheater always a cheater - I’m just saying that isn’t always the case and offering a different viewpoint. An unpopular one, yes. But unheard of? No. The truth is many couples manage to work it out after an affair, it’s just not talked about. Many of their nearest and dearest don’t know it ever happened.

Get out of there and get home. You're in shock, vulnerable and it sounds like he's really going to trybl and manipulate you while you're in that state.

The fact that he was able to sleep after his 'panic attack' shows that. It's quite easy to bring on a panic attack by hyperventilating if you're manipulative and backed into a corner.

I'd be tempted to bin his passport before heading to the airport. Not to score childish points, but because it'll likely give you a few days breathing space at home while he sorts out a temporary one.

Get safely away, and block him while you get a solicitor lined up and support at home.

"I'm sorry" doesn't really cut it when he's been fucking another woman for 18 months. And possibly even impregnating her.

I'm so sorry, OP. What a total bastard he is.

I would probably just want to go home now, but if you can't, get him to find somewhere else to stay and leave you to find what peace you can without him around.

💐💐💐

100% being manipulated there... he's been caught out and you now have the upper hand and he's trying to get it back ... don't let him.

Just do what feels right for you. Stay where you are, change rooms, or fly home. Ignore what others would do - just do you.

Best wishes. 🌺

I don't understand how an 18 month affair can be referred to as a "one-off".

A one night stand, yes. I can see how that might happen, and I might be able to forgive and get past that.

But to find out that my husband had been lying to me for 18 months, regularly putting his dick into another woman every opportunity he could find, and professing love for her - nope, wouldn't even want to try getting past that.

Just out of interest, BabyBoardroom, how long was your husband having sex with another woman?

I was thinking exactly the same about the slappable jerk. Does the most brilliant skits about cheating partners. Including having a panic attack / tantrum and throwing himself on the floor when caught out.

Please, please don't fall for:

• it was a slow breakdown/mental health crisis, I will have therapy
• this wasn't the Real Me, I don't know what I was thinking, I look back and it seems like a different person, I don't even like her
• It's my low self-esteem - i fundamentally don't believe I'm worthy of you so I was destroying the relationship because I believe you'll eventually leave me anyway
• I was struggling with the responsibility of becoming a father but now I've realised what I'm losing it's brought me to my senses and that's what i want more than anything in the world

i'm sure there are others that many MNers would be able to predict based on their own experiences.

But please please continue to be the strong and boundaried woman who believes in herself and her ability to make her own happiness. You are worth so, SO much more than this snivelling piece of shit.

He wouldn’t get his sperm checked while allowing you to go through ivf?! And he is a chest and a liar? Can you even be certain he hadn’t had a vasectomy in the past?

No advice for you really other than to say I am so sorry you are going through this. If you can freeze your eggs ss when you do find the real Mr Right you will still be able to go through IVF with him. Good luck to you.

@Gobsmacked39

You need to get away from him right now whilst this is new and you are vulnerable and emotional. If you can't bear the thought of flying home, please get a room to yourself and don't tell him the room number. You need the privacy and breathing room. Also if you think it would help, can you tell someone IRL? I understand that it's so new you may not be ready to do that.

Trust me, he is not going to kill himself or anything like it. People who cheat value themselves too highly to do that. He's using it as a threat to keep you where you are.

And remember: He is not sorry he is cheating. He is sorry he got caught.

Please go home OP. Do you have kids? If he chose to stay then at least you have time at home or on the journey to research your next steps. Please seek legal advice and don’t roll over and accept this! You deserve so much better. What a twat.

I agree that threats to self harm should be told to his parents and hotel staff too so they can involve the local police.

Don't be manipulated more than you already are.