Just found out my husband of 3 years has been cheating for the past 18 months

[Gobsmacked39]

Long story short. On holiday with hubby; this is our first day of a two week holiday. It didn’t start great as his luggage was lost at the airport, so a bit cranky because of it. Trying to help him trace his luggage whilst he was in the pool only to find hundreds of messages, videos, suggestive pics of my hubby and one of his older former colleagues. This has apparently been going on for the past 18 months, whilst we’ve been married for 3 years and going through IVF in the past year. I’m absolutely devastated. I’m struggling to process what’s going on; feeling quite emotionally detached from it all - maybe it’s the shock. Things have not been perfect with IVF and miscarriages but this started way before that …. The messages broke me with I LOVE YOU being said on a daily basis. I’m reading through them and I don’t recognize my marriage; I feel like we’ve been living 2 different realities. He says he loves me but then allegedly he’s infatuated with her… but doesn’t want to break up. I can’t even process what’s going on ….

Make sure his family and friends get the real truth of why you have split up. My exh told a very different version to his.

Imo her dh needs to know.
If he knew and you didn't would you have wanted to be told?
My relative discovered her dp cheating during ivf. It's a low life scum that can do that.

I’m so sorry

I wouldn't be rushing home, but I would be rushing to hotel reception and booking myself another room, or even relocating to another resort. Then sit back, enjoy the sunshine, read some good books, look after yourself - and when you get home, start divorce proceedings ASAP.

Only read one page of replies & have to chime in.

Put yourself absolutely first.

Throw essentials in a bag, leave behind anything that is holiday/inessentials - you'll never wear it again.

Get home as quickly as possible, even if it's not a direct flight. Get home, close the door behind you, tell closest family & friends, sleep in your own bed. Settle yourself in your own safe secure space.

Use you booked leave to see solucitors etc, spend some time with loved ones. If it's your place, change the locks.

You can get a day or so ahead of him to draw breath & get better organised.

Do not wait to travel home with him.

Today is your first day of 100% you on your own terms.

Don't waste any more time, patience & loyalty on this scrote.

Oh OP, he only cares about himself, I'm so sorry.

Do whatever it takes to go back to your loved ones. If he's talking about hurting himself, the most I would expect you to do is call his family or an ambulance.

If that's not enough to give you the ick and the sign to get the hell out of there, I don't know what is! 🤢
Leave the petulant little child tucked up in his bed and get on the next flight home!

"That's not quite true" JFC.

The upside is that must be giving you more ick than you would ever have believed possible.

I would get a flight home ASAP, don't tell him your plans though. Book a flight, grab your essentials and taxi to the airport.

Bonus points for making his passport disappear so he can't follow you home on the same flight.

Are you going to leave early?

Well she did find them. The cat is out of the bag.

What is the point of an enquiry into whether she should have looked or not?

Are you trying to make the OP feel even worse than she does at the moment?

what a horrible, duplicitous scum bag - I am so sorry for you, this is horrendous.

I would be going to a different hotel or resort and spending this time thinking what I wanted moving forwards, coming to terms with this and trying to get some relaxation in - build up your strength and resillience for when you get home.

But - I am a massive introvert. If you are not do you have friend/family who could fly out to join you?

Oh, please don't fall for his rank display of self pity. I stupidly forgave my ExH's first affair or 'the biggest mistake of my life' as he called it. Ten months later he left for another OW.

Wish I had walked away the first time.

So sorry you are going through this.

turn off your 'find my' so the scumbag doesn't know where you are

You should send him home and enjoy your vacation. You booked everything, you can have security escort him out. Sorry he's been such a waste of time. I've been through IVF and I know how difficult it is mentally and physically. Best of luck 🩷

god hugs to you OP ! I thought of this for some light reading -

https://www.chumplady.com

leave a cheater - gain a life

Good luck !

Not sure why pp are telling you to fly home. I would move to another hotel or even resort to get your head around it all and plan your future without the cheating bastard. Block his phone as well. Good luck OP

To be fair, I hadn’t read any further comments than the original post so I didn’t know how her husband had responded (hence the question).
In terms of my experience - I don’t think comparing is useful as two affairs are never going to be the same. I just wanted to share a different perspective. When I said one off I didn’t mean it literally. It was a full blown affair with a colleague. I meant one off as in he never did it again.
just for clarity - I’m not team husband. An affair is never excusable. I was BROKEN as a result of my experience. Like I am a changed person forever because of it. It’s not okay and what he’s done to the OP is horrendous. I was simply trying to say, get some space, process it, let emotions settle - and that there doesn’t have to be only one possible conclusion here. It’s impossible to know - only the OP and her husband will know in time whether it’s an option. There are plenty couples who work it out post affair. But it is what it is. I knew it would be an unpopular opinion. My heart is with the OP and I hope that she has plenty of support right now.

Why the hell is this worm the one having panic attacks and throwing up? HE cheated on YOU. Have you read Watermelon by Marian Keyes? It's about a woman whose husband leaves her for an older woman he's shagging on the same day she gives birth to their child. He then tries to gaslight her into making it her fault that he cheated on her. Your husband sounds like he's doing a James (the loathsome husband from the book). Don't let him. Also he sounds weirdly infantalised and like he's looking for mummy figures to take care of his needs, which I hope gives you the ick as much as it has me just for typing it. You deserve better - leave him to stew in his own juice and get away from him. The longer you stay, the more likely you are to end up stuck with the cheating wanker.

I feel for you. It’s the worst pain.
Please, please tell her husband. He absolutely deserves to know.
An 18 month “I love you affair” is serious.
I wish with all my heart the OW’s husband had told me 4 years ago when he found out his wife was having an affair with my husband. He didn’t, he was assured by his wife that she’d finished the affair. However, they didn’t stop it, they carried on for a further 3 years until I found out. The length of the long affair still haunts me.
Please tell her husband.

Makes me think of this meme! As per others OP, you owe this man absolutely nothing. And you certainly don’t owe him a tuck in like his mummy because he’s realised how much he’s messed up!!

He says he loves me but then allegedly he’s infatuated with her… but doesn’t want to break up.

So he wants to have his cake and eat it too, @Gobsmacked39 ? No fucking way.

Chuck him out. Put up a fortress wall of boundaries. He's done his dash, and he now has to pay the price.

It will be hard, because you still love the man you thought he was. Do not relent. Chuck him out. Be completely neutral & business-like with him. No touching, no "make up sex." Don't do anything for him.

He's made his bed.

And come here to vent

OP don't fall for his fake panic attack bullshit.

Time to book flights and come home.
Whilst it stings like hell now, thank goodness you didn’t have children and have found out about it now.
Get your passport and head out, the OW and his parents can help him from now on. Hopefully she will tell her husband but if she doesn’t someone should, at least then he can make an informed choice, in his shoes Id hate not to know

Sending you support OP. You sound sensible but please get in touch with your family and friends as you're isolated on your own with him at the moment.

OP I appreciate you will, rightly so, be in shock right now. However, looking forward, it is a good thing to be rid of this complete twat of a man. You deserve so much better.

He is panicking about losing you as he knows he’s done wrong AND that you are too good for him. Do mot allow him to manipulate you by playing on your good nature. He can FOTTFSOFTFOA.