Just found out my husband of 3 years has been cheating for the past 18 months

[Gobsmacked39]

Long story short. On holiday with hubby; this is our first day of a two week holiday. It didn’t start great as his luggage was lost at the airport, so a bit cranky because of it. Trying to help him trace his luggage whilst he was in the pool only to find hundreds of messages, videos, suggestive pics of my hubby and one of his older former colleagues. This has apparently been going on for the past 18 months, whilst we’ve been married for 3 years and going through IVF in the past year. I’m absolutely devastated. I’m struggling to process what’s going on; feeling quite emotionally detached from it all - maybe it’s the shock. Things have not been perfect with IVF and miscarriages but this started way before that …. The messages broke me with I LOVE YOU being said on a daily basis. I’m reading through them and I don’t recognize my marriage; I feel like we’ve been living 2 different realities. He says he loves me but then allegedly he’s infatuated with her… but doesn’t want to break up. I can’t even process what’s going on ….

Im so sorry, you must be in shock at this news.
Please get your self home(hopefully you have some support at home IRL?) and process what has happened and decide how you want to move forward.
He has lied,deceived you,broken your trust and is now manipulating you with panic attacks and threat of harm.
Please leave and take care of yourself.
I understand why you think he is soley to blame in that he's your husband and has deceived and betrayed your trust and hes responsible for that . I would inform the womans husband because i'd think that if the womans husband had found out and i were in your shoes id want him to inform me.
Take care of yourself.

1000% this. He isn't your problem. He's a walking red flag.

Thank God you didn't get pregnant with this manipulative narcissistic weirdo loser. Leave the holiday, move out, and if you want, let the OW husband know as he deserves better too.

Im so sorry. Can you get home, alone, to be with your support system?

I'm so sorry too. I can't imagine being completely blindsided by someone you love and being so far from home. He has no right to have a panic attack and play the victim - this is on him, his undoing, his lying. He/they have had months of preparation to envisage this outcome and how they respond to it, what a pathetic response.

Please look after yourself. It sounds like he has a wonderful life - why do these men not see what they have - and want more? You sound lovely. I hope you can find some strength in the support you read on here.

Threatening suicide in the evening, is a big big leap from texting I love you to his mistress in the morning and telling her he wishes was having a steak dinner with her that night (at the restaurant you organised). It seems like too great a leap to be true.

But if you are worried that there's a chance, you could text reception to book him a visit from a Dr or a mental health professional as you shake the dust of the holiday town from your sandals, on your way to the airport. (hopefully they will add his to his bill)

If you decide to stay in the resort, I would'n't wait for him to book a room for himself. He's clearly not going to do that. He wants eyes on at all times to keep manipulating. So book for yourself.

But it would be good to get home first, to process this shock, not to have to witness further theatrics, and also to get all essential paperwork and financial documents ready for your visit to solicitor.

So sorry this is happening to you, but at least you've found out now and can plan your escape and a better future. Whatever way you decide to play this, I wish you all the best

OP please sort another location to stay.

I know you won't feel like it but get out go explore on your own. Don't give an ounce of sympathy you don't owe him anything.

I know some posters are saying book a flight home but the cost is currently insane.

You need to get out of there and get support around you and get safe from him. Fast.

I know it doesn’t feel like it but you are so lucky not to have children with him. You can get free. Finding those messages was the greatest gift you will ever get, the gift of truth.

if you have an employee assistance program at work, call them, they offer free counselling.

The reason you are not furious is because your body probably knew he was wrong, but now that is being confirmed as correct. It’s hard to believe. But true.

And you need to put yourself first. Your life depends on it. Good luck x

I really doubt that would make the OP feel any better.
She isn't a child looking to score childish points.

I would head home, after misplacing his passport so he can’t easily follow you. In your shocked state you could easily pack yours as well as his.

Please don’t stay there pandering to his nonsense.

In this case I would simply pack a suitcase and go home. I would tell her husband if you haven’t already - effectively you have been sleeping with him as well as the OW as they have had unprotected sex. When he has a panic attack or threats suicide call his bluff and call 999. Get it all logged.

You are in an awful situation - probably the worst you'll ever find yourself in (hold that thought and take a breath...)

Ask him to move hotel or at least move rooms to give you space.

Tell him that if he talks about suicide again, you will ask reception to organise a Doctor as you are not a medical professional and would rather leave it to the experts.

Do NOT talk to OW. She will be all 'Sorry, it just happened' and that's bullshit. We are in all in charge of our choices and narratives. All she wants to do is offload guilt and potentially stop you from speaking to her husband. Hold your power by refusing to engage with her.

Detach. Tell your H that clearly there is no coming back from this but you need time and space to process. You are not interested in his whining, self-preservation, reputation or mental health. You are prioritising yourself and he needs to respect that (seeing as he has respected nothing else).

He will be pressing you to commit to decisions. Let's not tell people yet/don't tell family/try again/ blah blah blah. DO NOT COMMIT TO ANYTHING.

Allow your feeling to just surface and come. Anger, pain - all of it. Just feel what you need to.

One day at a time.

Tomorrow you may feel like calling a friend - so call. You may feel like staying in the room - so stay. Do whatever feels bearable.

You WILL come out the other side.
He is a cunt.
x

All part of ' the script ' once they get caught.

' I'm going to kill myself'

' I'm having a break down, I'll get counselling' .

All a load of manipulative, cowardly nonsense.

These pathetic individuals can just see their reputation with friends and family being destroyed, that's what they are upset about.

I'd not be going for any meals and talking, there is absolutely nothing to talk about.

You just need to work on how you get home and start divorce proceedings. Don't waste any energy on how bad this rat is feeling.

Pack your bag and head to the airport. Jump on the first plane home regardless of the cost.

You need to be away from him and with people who can hug you x

I am SO sorry. I know that head spinning, sick to the stomach feeling that you get when you discover those messages. Just words but words that literally implode your life and make you question everything. I know the pain you are feeling right now and I am so sorry that two other disgusting humans decided that it would be okay to do this to you.
i think whatever you do from here, you need to get some space between you and him. You need to process this and you won’t be able to with him around. How has he responded now he knows you know? This will be an unpopular opinion but hear me out. I went through this with my husband over a decade ago. We split for a short time but both realised we wanted to work on it. Our marriage is 100% better for it happening. He made a genuine mistake and he will feel sorry for that forever (he still apologises now) and I genuinely believe it was a one off. However, I do think it depends on who your husband is and whether you think this was a genuine one off that has got carried away with - and now you’ve found out he’s realised what he’s potentially thrown away - or is it more than that, and is this who he is.
you won’t have the answers to these questions right now but I just wanted to give a different perspective. It is possible to get over something like this - but not without a lot of hard work. But you will know by his reaction how much he cares for you and how much he’s willing to fight for you. Either way, get some space. You need space from him to think it all through and process it all. We were also experiencing fertility challenges when my husband did it. Those struggles definitely change a marriage but it’s not an excuse for what he did. And when they betray you at your most vulnerable, it is very difficult to forgive that. I’m so sorry. I hope you have a lot of support around you just now. Lots of love x

Sorry you are going through this.
Sounds like you are going to have to be the adult through this
Once you are sure he won't 'kill himself' as he claims........ Go home

OP I’m sorry you’re going through this, he’s a total shit and all I can say is echoing everyone else - leave the fucker. Next time he brings up how he’ll
kill himself I’d be very tempted to say something along the lines of “before you do top yourself please check with the travel insurance that we’re covered for transporting your body back home” or “well a funeral would certainly be cheaper than a nasty divorce” but I’m a cold bitch. Call his bluff when it comes to the emotional manipulation and let reception now he needs a welfare check before you fly home early.

Tell him whatever you think will get him off your back. Keep a detailed log of everything and lawyer up.

He’s making it all about him. Again. How insufferable.

@BabyBoardroom - i’m sorry you went through that but you say what happened with your husband was a one-off?

It doesn’t sound like it begins to compare with what OP’s H has done which is an all-in love affair which started in their first or second year of marriage and has been going on for 18 months or so. The same H who’s now throwing up, having panic attacks and wanting OP to mother him. Surely you don’t really think there’s a future there?

@Gobsmacked39 - i have already posted but am very invested. I very much hope you are getting support from some friends and family in real life and that you are getting ready to fly home. Someone else will need to take care of your H. The hotel can organise care. Let his parents know what has happened. If the OW loves him so much, she can bloody well fly out and look after him. Anyone but you. Your job is to look after yourself now.

Please go out. Don't sit around this pity party.
She says they are in love. (Let him see how ready she is to leave her H !)
& now he’s weeping & retching …
or Has he said it was a (18 month ) mistake ?
Sorry I realise you are blindsided & hurt, but he has been caught with his trousers down & hasnt got a thing to say for himself.
Entitled, sycophantic fool

Op i hope you find your anger. He sounds useless and childlike to be honest, can’t do anything at home because of being overwhelmed, with what? Life? He has to be tucked in because he is having a ‘panic attack’.? He is throwing up, why? guilt? realisation?. It’s all ridiculous.

He was perfectly capable when conducting a long term affair behind your back, lies, sneaking around and deceit for months while still trying for IVF with you? Dont fall for it, you don’t want to live a life of suspicion and awaiting the next affair do you? Also she’s as guilty as he is, she is also married and a cheater. I know you are in shock and your world is crumbling but amongst the harsh replies you can get real support and advice from people who have experienced the same.

I would be thinking all those things if he threatened to kill himself, but I think it would be better not to voice them in case he tries to use against her in the future.
He sounds very manipulative with no scruples or conscience.
I would keep a record of everything, don't attack him, be vague and non-committal and engage with him as little as possible.

There is not one way in hell I would stay in the same room with him. Either , he leaves or you go home ( as you prefer, some would want home some would
want to lock away ♥️ if possible don’t think about costs - hopefully that’s not an issue ) tell someone trusted and if she’s married immediately contact her partner. Ffs I would Contact their work too. Sick of wonderful women I know being treated so appallingly and I swear some people get off of having a secret of their partner, how can people be so duplicitous!!?

Just to add, only contact work if they work together. Otherwise no, but I really don’t believe you owe it to them to maintain appearances.

even speaking to each other on holiday?! Mind boggles

Ltb. Life is too short being second best you deserve more