Just found out my husband of 3 years has been cheating for the past 18 months

[Gobsmacked39]

Long story short. On holiday with hubby; this is our first day of a two week holiday. It didn’t start great as his luggage was lost at the airport, so a bit cranky because of it. Trying to help him trace his luggage whilst he was in the pool only to find hundreds of messages, videos, suggestive pics of my hubby and one of his older former colleagues. This has apparently been going on for the past 18 months, whilst we’ve been married for 3 years and going through IVF in the past year. I’m absolutely devastated. I’m struggling to process what’s going on; feeling quite emotionally detached from it all - maybe it’s the shock. Things have not been perfect with IVF and miscarriages but this started way before that …. The messages broke me with I LOVE YOU being said on a daily basis. I’m reading through them and I don’t recognize my marriage; I feel like we’ve been living 2 different realities. He says he loves me but then allegedly he’s infatuated with her… but doesn’t want to break up. I can’t even process what’s going on ….

this is the first time I have agreed with petty actions on a thread!!

OP on a serious note, this is a lot to process & you are away, I assume it’s just the two of you? Can you get another room to give you some space. Or book to go on some excursions or go out for a walk on your own so you can get a break from being stuck with this man 24/7 till you come home.

I think I would try and get some relaxation away from him & actually save any serious talks till you get back. You can’t sort the practicalities of splitting whilst away nor do you need that pressure.

also keep coming & posting here to vent if you need to, must be hard to be away & without your support network

Your DH is a bad version of a kid and will never grow up. He sounds really self-obsessed. This sounds like a blessing in disguise and gives you a chance to find yourself before any other serious relationships. Bloody awful man. Their friendship group sounds weird too.Edit to say I agree you need space from him. Book into somewhere he can’t find you or go out for walks/ swims and take a break.

What a manipulative, uncaring toad. Such a terrible shock. I’m so sorry 💐

But would’ve been awful to have a child with this man: lucky escape.

If you can sort out separate accommodation so you don’t risk bumping into him/him pestering you, might be worth considering staying there, at least for a few days. If you speak to the travel company and explain what’s happened, they may offer something as a goodwill gesture and be supportive. Go through all the emotions in a beautiful place, where it’s easier (breakfast made etc) to take time out to look after yourself. Especially if time zone works for talking to friends for support while there. If money’s not tight, could you even book a therapist (via the hotel or something). Take some long walks. Treat yourself to massage. Order lots of healthy food. Start to make lists of what you need to do. Could be therapeutic.

Then, you’ll be able to return home fighting.

P.S. Hope his luggage never turns up.

If you can afford it, get another room at another hotel, even if only for a couple of nights to give you some space whilst you figure out your next move. Look at flights home, you don't need to book one just yet but get a feel for your options.

Do you have a trusted friend/relative at home you could ring for support ? someone who could meet you off a flight if you do go home ?

Ive been there. Totaly shellshocked when DH of 17 years told me about ow.

Book a flight home for yourself and leave ASAP.
You need to focus on looking after yourself now, do you have friends and family who can support you?

Forget about petty revenge and point scoring, the best "revenge" is walking away and getting on with your life.

So he got her pregnant? When she was 42/43? Well, that explains why he refused to test to see if there was anything wrong with his sperm I guess.
What a pair of cunts, I’m so sorry. You’ve dodged a bullet though.

I am so sorry OP. Writing from experience there are two things you now need to concentrate on. Your emotional wellbeing and the practicality of what comes next. On the emotional side the shock of this betrayal hits hard. Most of us did not see it coming and when the betrayal becomes apparent it is an enormous shock. All kinds of certainties we thought we had suddenly are not certain anymore. This hit me initially harder than bereavement and I struggled to function. Speak to friends in real life and get a support network behind you. Also think about counselling.

From a practical perspective you need to start gathering all of the information you need really quickly. I would make an initial visit to a lawyer to take advice (at this stage you do not have to commit to anything), and also look up Form E which is the disclosure doc used in a divorce. It will tell you all of the areas where you need information on all of your finances including savings and pensions.

Be then prepared for the usual responses. A man caught in an affair lies and gaslights on a wholesale basis. He will start to reinvent the past, blame you (though subtly), and will use the class approaches of it did not mean anything and he is very sorry it was a mistake. You will at times doubt yourself, and in shock you might also be tempted to forgive and forget. Indeed I did this once. However, he is lying and will keep lying. Do not be taken in.

If you move for divorce the next phase is he will get angry. He will hide finances, make threats around access to children, slag you off to joint friends (you are mad or a complete nag are very common). Be prepared for things to get rough and stay strong.

Get a really good divorce and then move on. You deserve better than this.

What an absolute piece of shit. And so is his mistress.
Book a flight home.
Pack your bags
Leave him there.
At least it will give you a bit of time to think and sort something out.

Oh op I am just so sorry. To find out he's been doing this behind your back is bad enough and traumatic as it is, but to then find out they had a pregnancy while he's been trying with you, that's just such an absolute slap in the face.

I think op you really need space from him. I actually went through very similar with my ex and I don't think I gave myself enough space and allowed myself to be tangled back in by him saying all the right things and acting devastated. Of course the same pattern just repeated.

So I think right now you're probably a little bit in survival mode and muted to the pain of it all, also because you're trapped on holiday with him and he's now making it all about him so you're not even being allowed the space to process your own emotions.

What I would do is check in to a different hotel if you can. Or see if you can book an earlier flight home, or maybe can a friend fly out to meet you there so you aren't alone? I think what he's done is genuinely unforgivable stuff and I think you need to create the safety for yourself to actually process the scale of the betrayal. Do any of your friends have spare keys? Could someone go in and pack his stuff while you're away and store it for him to collect so you can at least go home to privacy without him and know that job is done?

I contacted a solicitor immediately because i also felt very numb and practical but in all honesty I then crashed a while later and couldn't deal with the things I needed to do to move it along so you don't actually need to do that immediately. What you need to do is kick him out of your space and protect yourself from him initially to let yourself feel some feelings while being supported by people who care about you.

He'll have a huge reaction of course, this is all part of it. But op he's not sorry he did it, he's sorry he got caught out and will now need to face the consequences he knew were coming if he got found out. And it is not your job to fix that for him.

That would definitely be the end for me, her being pregnant and having abortion, whilst you are actively trying for a baby, utter betrayal. I wouldn’t often say this, but please don’t give him the time or day or her, please think of yourself, get home asap and leave him to sort himself out. I hope you have friends and family you can talk to.

As heartbreakingly hell that this is, it is a line under your marriage. No other option.
If he can do this while you are going through ivf, it doesn't get much worse.
How is it possible to save your marriage?
Sending you strength OP

OP, I am so so sorry you are going through this.

Just focus on what YOU want to do now. There seems little point in talking with him or listening to him. And it is definitely not your job to look after him. He won’t kill himself and he won’t die from a panic attack.

So what do you most want to do? Fly home and be with your best friend / family member? Ask a family member / friend to join you? Kick him out of the room and Take a day to think about your plans before returning home?

Unless you are leaving today I would calmly pack his things and put them in the corridor and tell him to get another hotel.

Just focus on you, you, you and what you want to do right now.

Ugh, he is despicable and I am so sorry for the betrayal. Be strong, OP, you can do it.

I'd take that to mean that they're enjoying a mutual fantasy in which they're not a pair of complete bellends. Of course, they know deep down that they're both twats, so the real world isn't much fun for them.

I think that the way he's sleeping by your feet, crying and talking of suicide is pathetic and would make me lose any last shred of respect I had for him. I hope you can get away from him soon.

they are in love with a ‘version’ of themselves- what the fuck does that even mean.

It means the director's cut is going to be shit.

( unfortunately you will need to get a STI test when you get back)

Just bear in mind that the abortion might be a lie. Neither of them have to tell you the truth. In fact it sounds like the whole affair is based on them being on their best behaviour all the time with each other (the versions of themselves that they are playing being the absolute top notch, top of their game version - no laundry, no bill paying, because your STBXH doesn't want to be involved in 'real life').

I hope you can pack up and go home, OP. Being away from home and support networks is not the place for you just now. Get home. And then I would just move out before he gets back and never have to see his pathetic little whiny face again, but your mileage may differ, of course.

You don’t owe them all this drama, that they are both clearly revelling in. Pack you bags. Go home. Give yourself room to think and process

Oh and I would definitely tell her husband. He deserves to know that he is being deceived massively.

Two narcissist together. Let them be. If he loves her (and himself for that matter) so much then he won’t kill himself so don’t listen to that.

Do look through his financials to ensure you are secure upon leaving - it’s not stopping to a level, it’s necessary planning at this point.

Oh OP. I have been there so completely understand the punch in the gut and shocked feeling. My ex husband put me on a flight to my family abroad as my sister had had a still birth. He booked it, paid and took me to the airport. He then had his fancy woman round in our home for a week. I found out as when I got home, he had changed the bed (he had never done that in all the years we'd been together) so I was suspicious. The following weekend I went to strip the bed and he jumped up to say he would do it... I did it and found blood all over my side of the mattress, what to me looked like somebody had started their period. I didn't have them so it wasn't mine.

I kicked him out and whilst packing up his stuff came across her underwear and birthday/valentine cards too. It was his work colleague.

When the anger hit I was incandescent with rage. I could have physically hurt him on more than one occasion (never before or since felt like this) so I would suggest removing yourself from the hotel room.

I am happy now, many years later. I wish you well OP.

So sorry, OP. I hope you can get rid of him with the minimum of administrative hassle. Maybe fly home early without him - but with his passport…?

Jeez, @Gobsmacked39. That is horrific. You sound like a very strong, pragmatic woman. Sending you love and strength from Scotland. I’d be looking into the next flight. Your husband sounds like a bit of a waste of space in your life and that in the long run (and short) life will be better without him. I’m so sorry for what you are going through now though.

Agree

I’m so sorry OP. Go home. Without him. Tell your friends and your family, allow them to support you, and do not protect him in that. His shame is his and not yours to bare (it’s funny but I wanted to keep it quiet when it happened to me as if it was something shameful. It was, just not for me and not for you either).
He can call reception if he has another ‘panic attack’. Not your problem anymore. It probably is a bit tricky when the consequences of your disgraceful actions land. He will need to learn to sit with it.