Just found out my husband of 3 years has been cheating for the past 18 months

[Gobsmacked39]

Long story short. On holiday with hubby; this is our first day of a two week holiday. It didn’t start great as his luggage was lost at the airport, so a bit cranky because of it. Trying to help him trace his luggage whilst he was in the pool only to find hundreds of messages, videos, suggestive pics of my hubby and one of his older former colleagues. This has apparently been going on for the past 18 months, whilst we’ve been married for 3 years and going through IVF in the past year. I’m absolutely devastated. I’m struggling to process what’s going on; feeling quite emotionally detached from it all - maybe it’s the shock. Things have not been perfect with IVF and miscarriages but this started way before that …. The messages broke me with I LOVE YOU being said on a daily basis. I’m reading through them and I don’t recognize my marriage; I feel like we’ve been living 2 different realities. He says he loves me but then allegedly he’s infatuated with her… but doesn’t want to break up. I can’t even process what’s going on ….

So sorry this is happening to you, especially so far from home

Please start putting yourself first. His behaviour is disgusting and you owe him nothing

Time to take a deep breath and do what you know you need to

Do not talk to him, it’s too much, too soon

Go home asap, you have a lot to sort out and may as well start now

Take screenshots of everything you can

Get hold of all paperwork relating to:
Bank accounts
Savings
Shares
Pensions
Mortgages

Contact a solicitor

Do not speak to the OW
Message her saying she has 24 hours to tell her husband before you do, but that’s it. He has to know

Tell your family and trusted friends what has happened so they can support you

You can’t control what has happened so far, but you can and will control how you deal with it

Today is shit - but your future without him holds so much more 💪💐

The fact he refused tests, prior to going though fertility treatment, speaks volumes. He either is hiding something? Doesn't really want a child? Doesn't want a child with you? Or couldn't bear the thought of him being the 'problem'?

I’m surprised that any clinic would do IVF without having the full picture tbh. For all they know he might not be producing any sperm at all.

When my friends husband threatened to kill himself my answer was at least it will save solicitors fees and you will also get his death in service. The least likely people to die by their own hands are ones who do stuff like this. It’s a well known type of control in situations like this, I worked with DV survivors and many men threatened this when they were being left.

Leave him and never look back.

You really are incredible girl. I am so so impressed with how you’re handling this. This really is amazing. I know what I’m saying is worthless. But you’re a amazing person ❤️

When you first said she was older with kids, my initial thought was "oh, he's slightly less of a stupid cliché" but with the fuller picture, nah, he totally is. A shallow view on life and you say he's younger than you too... obviously there are plenty of happy relationships where the man is a bit younger but in his case it sounds like a pattern whereby he wants to avoid all responsibility and simply be presented with a certain lifestyle he thinks he is owed, even though he has a very enviable one as it is. I even wonder if he's trying to avoid having children as it would mean having to grow the fuck up.

Well, you're obviously strong and switched on... ultimately you will be absolutely fine. I would be worried about him, because he's a total fool, but I don't give a shit.

The betrayal is awful and I’m sorry for you OP.
The most important thing at the minute is getting home safely. You. He is capable of sorting himself out.
If he starts doing anything suggesting heart attacks or panic attacks don’t even discuss it just pick the phone up and call reception.

You don’t need to decide about telling her husband or anything else until later. When you get home see a solicitor if your decision is to end the marriage (which is exactly what I’d do).

Try not to think about the “why her” side of things- it could be her background or it could even be that she’s older than him (attraction from younger men to older women is more common than you might think). And it might be none of those things.

Revenge acts won’t make you feel better in the end. (I know you don’t say anything remotely to imply you would do anything revenge style). Stay strong and get on with the actions that give you the outcome you want. Best of luck.

Happened to someone I know. They were also going thru ivf, numerous times, unsuccessfully. Finally he left her for a much younger fertile woman that he was having an affair with. He was denying the affair and tried sitting on two chairs for a while until they both put pressure on him and he went for the other woman. Best wishes to you, stay strong.

Foolishly I did and found out they are in love with a ‘version’ of themselves- what the fuck does that even mean. Oh and she got pregnant in November and had an abortion. I can’t even cope at this point

Just want to say how bloody amazing I think you are, you are handling this so well! So sorry for what your bas*ard excuse of a husband has done to you! He’s sounds pathetic and quite narcissistic and you sound far too good for him! Sending you strength

So sorry!

Oh my god I’m so sorry.

Keep your eyes on the prize. A life without this piece of shit. It's a short marriage and in years to come you'll look back at this as a mere bump in the road.

They are ‘in love’ with a version of themselves they are in now. Not when two worlds have blown up, when she has to share time with her kids, both have to go through divorce and people have a completely different perception of their characters.

im so sorry you’re going through this and the fact she got pregnant when you’re going through IVF. What a piece of shit your husband is.

She could be saying that OP to twist the knife more - and force you even more into leaving him.

I wouldn't believe a word either of them say.

What a piece of shit

Don’t let him manipulate you with his panic attacks and talks of killing himself

can you get home? Book an early flight? For just you, obviously, don’t book his

You don’t mention children on this holiday so I assume the 43 year old with two children is OW.
How can she be certain who fathered her child in November?

What a spineless trail of cat sick this man is. I’m so sorry, you deserve so much more. I hope that when the light hits you can organise yourself a flight back home to get support from your family and friends. He doesn’t deserve your concern, let him sort himself out. What a terrible situation, especially given your IVF journey. Start putting yourself first, no worrying about him.

@Gobsmacked39 - OP slow down just for a second (don’t mean that to be patronising) but she’s got to be almost 50..?
if your husband is 42, she’s 52. If he’s 38, she’s 48.. etc. you said you are 43 annd older than you and 10 years older than him.
Realistically what are the chances she was pregnant?
It can happen of course but by 47 onwards….??
(im almost 51 btw and had a baby at 42, but it’s not common to just get pregnant after 45)

I think she’s having you on or trying to upset you more or garner sympathy.
That sounds like total BS from her.

@Gobsmacked39 I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I'm 11 years on from you and can safely say that all the 'panic attacks' and threats to harm himself are a show - mine did exactly the same. He still feels very hard done by that I kicked his sorry arse out, idiot.
Keep your chin up, keep on keeping your dignity if you can (it helps in the long run) and keep focussed on a future without him.

Like previous poster suggested don't think 'why her' or 'why me'. People cheat because they want to feel better about themselves, it is all about him.
Heartbreaking, painful, uncomfortable, unfair and devastating. Grief, scream, cry. You WILL go thorough it and come on the other side with head hold high. You may be surprised that with a new partner (not now) you may have no issues getting pregnant.

OP you’ve had a lot of advice these past few pages, are you still on here?

Edit - sorry, completely missed you’ve just updated.

The affair partner is 43.

@Delphiniumandlupins I too think AP is 43.

@Delphiniumandlupins
I just reread that post and yeah I think it was the OP’s typo that threw me off.
yeah it’s the AP that’s 43. So DH is 33.