AIBU to think DH’s joke after my car crash was inappropriate?

[Laulau3]

Someone went in to the back of my car earlier today when I was returning from nursery drop off. I was in traffic, so no harm done to me, but the car obviously needs some repairs. The man driving stopped and was apologetic and we swapped details.

I called DH and after checking I was okay, he ‘joked’ that ‘he has had more luck than me over the years in smashing your back doors in’. I told him I didn’t see the funny side.

He messaged me later to say I’m being uptight and to get a sense of humour.

There’s a time and a place, surely?

Ew, what a creepy thing for your husband to say, or even think, in those circumstances. Is he obsessed with trying to get you to do anal, because that is exactly how it sounds.

Anyway, the creepy, inappropriate joke was wrong, of course. But he could have fixed it with a "Sorry yeah, didn't think are you ok love?" and he chose to double down. Is he always an arsehole to you when you're upset?

It has made for a very interesting conversation though.

I'm picturing OPs husband as one of those two blokes who drank with the psychologist in After Life.

Is he Chris Finch from The Office?

Yeah someone doesn't like a man's crap jokes and you say "what's the world coming to" made me chuckle!

The Inbetweeners are meant to be teenagers...I pity anyone who wants a Jay for their life partner. Although to be fair even he called out his mates for inappropriate jokes about his gf from what I remember.

That's disgusting. Do men who make such grim "jokes" really exist? And some have even found women willing to marry them?

Flipping 'eck.

I'll bet you're a laugh at parties

You forgot to add LTB and "make sure you get total custody"

Flippin 'eck.

I'll bet you're a nightmare anytime a man shits on a woman.

You forgot to add "you daft old prude" and "not all men".

I'm best mates with my husband and have been now for the best part of 40 years.

I'm pretty sure we're mates in a different kind of way than he's mates with his friends at the rugby club. Just like I'm mates with him in a different way than I am with the people I go bell ringing with. And that's not a euphemism.

Of course anyone you disagree with is a 'cool girl, couldn't possibly be that most people are correct and think you're being uptight 🙄

The vote shows that most people think the OP is being reasonable.

Erm my dh would never say such a thing anyhow he would joke but not in that dirty gross way yours did

Coolgirl Pickmes absolutely adore using slurs like uptight, prude etc in their endless, dreary insistence on trying to justify unjustifiable behaviour from men 🙄

I do love it when Coolgirl Pickmes are spotted in the wild and properly named, and will use those words anytime I see they are relevant. Like right now :) Love it when Coolgirl Pickmes immediately pretend that labelling their misogyny is misogynistic too 😅

Coolgirl Pickmes are simple identifiers that enrage all the right people 😋

We see you and in real life everyone sees you too. YW.

I think people are being incredibly literal-minded if they think it was a genuine complaint about the lack of anal sex in his marriage, or that he’s somehow obsessed with anal activity. It’s very old joke, which he repeated, that’s all. It doesn’t mean anything more than “Haha, ‘smashing the back doors in’ is a euphemism for anal”.

Of course, people are completely entitled not to find it funny and to think the phrase is gross, or to think the timing was insensitive etc. Perfectly reasonable to be appalled by the joke; that’s fine. But it really shouldn’t be taken as an actual request for anal sex or a sign of some sort of arsehole fixation.

It would make me laugh, but I’ve got an extremely dark sense of humour. A bad-taste joke is exactly what I’d want to hear after an accident. I made an incredibly dark joke to my DP about a traumatic medical procedure I had last year, which I’m not going to repeat here because it would get me reported to Mumsnet HQ. It was certainly worse than what the OP’s DH said. But obviously that kind of joke isn’t for everyone and the OP’s DH should know what his wife would typically laugh at or not laugh at.

I have never in my life heard this joke before

I've heard similar out of the mouths of a couple of a few very crude men over the years. It's not standard, it's the sort of thing a porn obsessed teenage boy might snigger over. And it's certainly very weird that his mind went there and he took the time to actually type that crap instead of just asking if she was alright.

And again, though it was creepy puerile and offensive, if he'd just backed down and said "Sorry love, are you ok?" that would be one thing.

It's the doubling down on his grossness that really gets me, and actually calling her uptight for daring to have a standard that includes her husband being halfway kind to her when she's just been in a car accident. What a prince.

But this joke is not ‘dark’ in that sense - it’s not some clever bit of gallows humour. It’s based on the stupid, misogynistic trope that all men are constantly badgering their partners to ‘give in’ to anal sex, and women are the prudish gatekeepers who refuse it. It’s a joke that’s very much part of rape culture, and the idea that women are there to service men, regardless of their own preferences. And no, the OP’s partner didn’t think all that out explicitly when he made the joke, but that’s still where the joke comes from. And fortunately there are plenty of men out there who do understand this, and wouldn’t dream of saying something so incredibly crude to the woman they’re supposed to love.

Beautifully written!

The OP’s husband called her uptight….

did you just come for an argument instead of reading the thread.
pick me indeed

Nah. The person I responded to also called her uptight and insisted that most people think she is uptight.

Which does indeed come across as her being a Coolgirl Pickme.

In the original post...."he has had more luck than me over the years in smashing your back doors in"

Over the years doesn't suggest a fresh and single hint

Well… so what?

The fact that you haven’t heard it doesn’t mean it didn’t exist. There are millions of old jokes out there and nobody’s heard every single one.

Don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. If you’ve been in an accident even thought it wasn’t serious and you were shaken up because of it probably the best reaction would have been empathy rather than that comment (which I would find difficult to hear at any time if I’m honest). I hate that sort of comment regardless so I would be pissed off as well.

But most jokes aren’t accurate descriptions of reality. He was repeating a stupid joke, not sharing his thoughts in a relationship counselling session.

This 👏

God if a man said that to me I think my legs would clamp shut forever, never to be seen open again. Shortly after kicking said man out the (front) door.

perhaps I’ve been single too long…