AIBU to cut Sunday visits after partner’s mum complains?

[AmITooYoungForABungalow]

I don't live with my partner but go to his fri, sat come back Sunday night. We live in different towns due to work etc. We normally go to his mum's every Sunday but this was getting too much, so go every other week now. I knew she's not happy about it. His mum is 75 but a young 75, does voluntary work 5 mornings a week, drives etc. I met my partners sister in law other day for coffee she told me his mum was moaning saying she hardly sees him etc etc. I'm fuming, just had her round for dinner last week! Not sure what to do feel can't speak to her about it as don't want to get sis in law in trouble. Tbh feel like going less, or say partner to go but I won't. Any advice please? Thank you

Fine if you want to go less often.

As long as she gets to see her son I’m sure that’s the main thing for her.

Why can't he go every Sunday?

ive learnt with some people you could see them every day and they would still moan they dont see them enough etc its a mix at times

I think him going on his own is fine, if you don't want to go. Maybe you could go home before dinner on Sunday and he can have dinner with her.

Why can’t he see her in the week while you’re apart?

How long has he been going to his mum’s weekly for dinner and how long have you been together? How long has she been on her own?

if you don’t even live together, I can see why she’s put out that you’ve changed the routine.

Just let him go weekly, like he used to do as she won’t be around forever. Then you go home early that day.

You seem to be taking it personally but it's not really about you, she's just saying she wants to see her son more. They obviously had a routine where she saw him every week so it just sounds like she's missing him now that it's less.

I must admit the ‘fuming’ is a bit weird.

So your solution to her being unhappy that she doesn’t see him very often is to see her less often?

Exactly.

If he was that bothered about seeing his mum regularly rather than her insisting surely the best option, if he doesn’t want to miss out on time with you, is to alternate so every 2nd Sunday you both go then on the other week he goes to see his mum on a day he doesn’t see you. That way his mum also gets some 1~1 time with him.

I mean, it’s his mum. It’s up to you wether you go with him but you can’t dictate his relationship with his mum

Also she’s not actually said anything to you or him and she’s not trying to demand he comes every week, she’s just spoke, privately to someone else about how she misses seeing her son as often as before. It’s not her fault that was then shared with you.

You wouldn't be unreasonable not to go. You'd be unreasonable trying to get him not to go. It's her son she wants to see, not you.

I wouldn't feel offended, she is saying she she doesn’t see him much because she probably enjoyed seeing him and misses it.

In your situation, if I felt that I didn't want to spend every Sunday with her I'd go home on Saturday or maybe skip some weekends at his place. Have you your own place that he can visit you on Friday to Saturdays? ETA Maybe you just need more couple time? also, I remember wishing my bf didn't have to go home before we moved in together.

I think that ‘fuming’ is a bit of an extreme reaction from you OP, given you aren’t living together as a couple.

His mum is simply expressing her disappointment at not seeing him as much as she’s used to. You cant stop her having normal human feelings and talking about them -and shouldn’t want to. It’s nothing to take offence at. You already knew she wasn’t happy about the 50% reduction in her time spent with him, so why were you so surprised that she voiced that, privately, to her DIL ?

Your boy friend surely has a mind of his own and it’s up to him how much he wants to see his mum and when. Not for you to decide for him, nor to interfere.

If he’s not available on some Sundays, then of course, there’s not much point you being there when he’s busy. Just leave early.

Allow him to manage his relationship with his mum. If he wants it to work with you, he will hopefully find a solution that keeps you both happy. But I think that showing your resentment towards her over this minor issue isn’t a good way forward and may not bode well for the development of your relationship with him.

The SIL is a tittle-tattle gossip, who can’t be trusted with private conversations,,, watch what you say

You’re a weekend girlfriend, you haven’t been married and living together for 10 years and his mum is slagging you off. You’re getting yourself far too involved in something that isn’t your business.

Leave this to your partner to decide when he sees his mum and don’t make it about you.

So she had a conversation with her daughter where she expressed that she mised her son. Why are you fuming? I don't understand why you're upset that she missed her son. That seems like a natural reaction when visits are reduced.

I woud leave it up to your boyfriend to decide when he visits his Mum. If he wants to spend the weekend with you then hopefully he'll switch his weekday plans around and see her without you. I think it's actually really important for nuclear famillies to sometimes see each other without partners.

Don't put pressure on him to see her less. That's very controlling. Simply don't go if you want to see her less.

Well isn’t it up to him when he sees his mum? Tbh I encourage my husband to see his parents as he’s rubbish at it himself! I don’t have to be there though.

Why are you fuming, What's his relationship with his mum got to do with your feelings? He can see her more. She's his mum, she loves him. He's got all week when he can see her. That's great she loves her son.

Why doesn’t he see her during the week at all?

I’d be worried here that you’re already creating friction with her and you’re not in a serious enough relationship to live together yet.

Fuming??

I’m guessing it was you who orchestrated the reduction in the visits to his mum. Was there any particular reason you didn’t continue with the weekly Sunday dinners other than you don’t like to share your man?

I know it’s considered a good thing on MN to take out the “competition”, to lay down the law and establish your power but if you’re interested in a LTR with this man, you will save yourself years of hassle if you at least try and get on with his mum.

You literally said he now sees her half as much as he did, why would you be fuming that she moaned about it to her daughter, we all moan and rant when things change whether we’re young or old. Give her a break!