AIBU to cut Sunday visits after partner’s mum complains?

[AmITooYoungForABungalow]

I don't live with my partner but go to his fri, sat come back Sunday night. We live in different towns due to work etc. We normally go to his mum's every Sunday but this was getting too much, so go every other week now. I knew she's not happy about it. His mum is 75 but a young 75, does voluntary work 5 mornings a week, drives etc. I met my partners sister in law other day for coffee she told me his mum was moaning saying she hardly sees him etc etc. I'm fuming, just had her round for dinner last week! Not sure what to do feel can't speak to her about it as don't want to get sis in law in trouble. Tbh feel like going less, or say partner to go but I won't. Any advice please? Thank you

My MIL always moans to whichever of her dc or dgc she is with that she never sees any of the others. They each believe they are the only one who makes an effort. I laugh when my DH tells me that his sister never bothers with his dm because I know she says the same to his dais . She’s always been manipulative

Not sure what to do feel can't speak to her about it as don't want to get sis in law in trouble. Tbh feel like going less

So you go less, it’s not you she wants to see. You don’t need to speak to her because she’s not talking about you she’s confided in someone she trusts that she doesn’t see her son as much. It’s nothing to do with you (yes the reason he’s going less is but nothing for you to to get involved with)

It's a bit of a wild reaction to be fuming because your boyfriend's mum said she would like to see her son more often, especially since it seems they had a routine of meeting up every week. What does your boyfriend want to do? Does he want to spend every weekend with just you? Does he not have friends he wants to spend time with too? Maybe it's time to be a bit more flexible?

I’m not sure why you’re fuming ? Your DP’s mum obviously misses her son as she’s seeing less of him now. It’s your choice whether or not you stay home while your DP visits his mum. Perhaps your DP could visit his mum mid-week.

I wouldn’t go every week - I’d give partner and his mum time alone

i expect she’d like to see her son without his partner sometimes

Surely he can go for a couple of hours on Sunday whilst you do something at his place?

I see my Mum and Dad every weekend. DH usually just stays at home to do housework/ go for a run/ take the teens to play Padel etc.

Does your DP insist on you going with him? I'd just leave him to it. Maybe go once a month?

I met my partners sister in law other day for coffee she told me his mum was moaning saying she hardly sees him etc etc. I'm fuming, just had her round for dinner last week!

But she doesn't want to see you more so this is irrelevant she wants to see her Son. You sound like you dislike her and don't even live with her Son yet are dictating his weekends. YABU.

I think it's only natural if you were seeing your child once a week and then it changes to every fortnight that you would be upset/annoyed. She's venting to her daughter and again that is only natural. There is no reason why your partner can't go alone.

Your partner, before he started dating you, went and saw his Mum every Sunday. Now he's dating you, every Sunday got too much, so he's changed seeing his Mum to every other Sunday instead.

Can he not see his Mum one day during the week, when he doesn't see you? He could still continue every other Sunday but included seeing her in the week in between? Or one of the Sundays you go home early?

You need to be aware that if you both decided to live together, your future MIL will still expect to see her son for the same amount of time! So it's definitely something that you need to iron out if living together becomes an option.

Why are you fuming? It’s not your problem it’s between his mum and him. Perhaps stop seeing it as your role, she can say something to him, he can find an alternative. Women don’t have to fix everything.

Where did she slag the OP off? The mum said she hardly sees him

My advice is do nothing - this is your partner's issue to sort out (or not, as the case may be).

His mum will be very aware that he only visits half as often since he’s been with you. So who made the decision that weekly Sunday visits were ‘too much’ given that this was his normal routine ? She clearly suspects it’s you and maybe she’s resentful. Why can’t he visit her during the week when you’re apart ?

FYI his SiL sounds like she can’t be trusted to keep private conversations to herself, so be very careful what you say to her.

Fuming? How old are you?
Let him see him mum, and yeah cut YOUR visits, I’m sure she would appreciate that.

You’re making this a “you thing” when it’s nothing to do with you. It’s between your boyfriend and his mum. You aren’t suddenly the boss of their family, it’s not your conversation to have.

Once you’re married with kids, you may get more of a say, but you don’t even live together. I’m shocked you think the frequency of visits with his elderly mum has anything to do with you.

I think you're getting hung up on the words, OP. And they may not actually be the words used as you are getting this third hand.

I get this - I was equally annoyed the year my parents said they had hardly seen me at Christmas and I'd been at their house from 9am-7pm in the same room as them. But in previous years I'd stayed overnight, so they were really remarking on the contrast.

Your partner's mum says she "hardly sees her son". She actually means she is disappointed that she sees him less than she used to.
Would you prefer that she said "it's great that I only see <son> every two weeks now?".

Yes 👆 Two women have different views about how much they see of a particular man. We have an idea of both views, but his views aren't expressed here.
If he hasn't already, he needs to use some agency here (though I feel for him, as no answer will satisfy both other parties).

He goes to his mums every week for Sunday
lunch but you just go every other, as you have been doing.

Seems a really spiteful reaction from you esp as it’s completely normal for her to be missing the weekly visit and her conversation about it seems fine to me. Now you want to punish her and upset her more? Nasty

I’m kind of on your side OP. If I only saw a partner at weekends and every Sunday was taken up with visiting his mother I’d be a bit annoyed. Every two weeks seems fair to her, so it’s a bit much to be moaning that he ‘barely sees him.’ The answer is that he sees her mid-week by himself.

My answer is a bit biased because when my parents lived fairly close to me it was a massive expectation that I visited every Sunday. I managed to push it to every other Sunday but it was like I had to make an excuse if I wasn’t visiting. It would cut in to the main part of the day. They started up that expectation when they were late 60s and they are now 90 - it’s all very well saying ‘they won’t be around forever’ but I didn’t want to spend 2 decades having my weekends pre-organised like that.

You're fuming because his mother is sad she sees her son less often than she used to? Weird.

I would honestly let it go. Everyone has a bit of a moan. She hasn’t actually said anything negative to you and probably didn’t think it would get back to you. I moan to family members too, and sometimes say things in frustration that I don’t really mean, but they wouldn’t run and tell everyone.

Cutting her off over this feels excessive—if anything, the way you’re handling it says more than what she said ever did.

I think you need to be more resilient. She’s still his mum—she’s 75. Reducing contact over such a small issue feels unnecessary.

This isn't really your problem. It’s your DPs - he is surely able to arrange to see her in the week in addition to the alternating Sundays? Don’t get involved.