AIBU to cut Sunday visits after partner’s mum complains?

[AmITooYoungForABungalow]

I don't live with my partner but go to his fri, sat come back Sunday night. We live in different towns due to work etc. We normally go to his mum's every Sunday but this was getting too much, so go every other week now. I knew she's not happy about it. His mum is 75 but a young 75, does voluntary work 5 mornings a week, drives etc. I met my partners sister in law other day for coffee she told me his mum was moaning saying she hardly sees him etc etc. I'm fuming, just had her round for dinner last week! Not sure what to do feel can't speak to her about it as don't want to get sis in law in trouble. Tbh feel like going less, or say partner to go but I won't. Any advice please? Thank you

How old are you both? Is it his first relationship?
Im surprised that you were coming to hers every Sunday at some point considering that you only have weekends together.

SIL was wrong to mention it to you - it’s her brother who needed to know it.

You don't need to tag along on his visits, it's fine. He can visit her any day of the week if he chooses.

Does your partner never go to your town instead OP? I’d be less than impressed to always be doing the travel and then have a partner go off to visit their fit and able mother while I was there (as suggested by some). If he was visiting you on an equal basis this wouldn’t be an issue.

I think OP has maybe chosen the wrong word with ‘fuming’. It sounds more like irritation at the exaggeration of ‘barely sees him’ and the implication that it’s OPs fault.

It's not your job to control how often your boyfriend sees his mum (he's not your partner imo, you don't live together and it sounds like you haven't been together for that long).
It's pretty childish to react to her upset by saying you'll (presumably you mean both you and your BF) see her less often.
Do you try to control other aspects of his life?

This

Your partner's SIL is a shit stirrer, don't slag anyone off to her as it's guaranteed that it will get back to them.
Of course his mum sees him less at weekends, now he's got a partner who he doesn't see during the week. He can see her during the week, when he's not going to see her at the weekend? I wouldn't get involved, it's for him to deal with. Maybe he should go on his own on the weekend visits too? No need for you to fume.

It would go in one ear, come out the other for me…

Jeez she just wants to see her son more often. I would love it if my family wanted lunch every week. Imagine having a baby raising them for 20 years and then you get to see them once every two years. I know lots of people see family less due to distance etc but if she is local and in her 70s let him spend the time with her. He will only resent you when she isn’t around any more.

I can understand where you are coming from, we used to visit my parents-in-law every Sunday. This was my husbands routine before I came along and obviously I didn't want to rock the boat. They lived 45 mins or more from our house and it would eat 4 or 5 hours into our Sunday realistically, but because it was over lunch there was never really time for us to do anything else, especially once we had small kids. I agree that assuming she lives close enough that he should see her during the week.

This. She had a moan, it is your partners sil who is shit stirring. Dont fall for it.

You can cut Sunday visits, of course you can. 🤷‍♀️
Besides, it is her son she wants to see so as long as he is free to go if that is what he wants, I can't see the big deal.

I'd be watching that SIL if I were you though

Him going to see his mum without you sounds like a great idea.With the best will in the world, what she wants is some time with her child, and you're not her child.
Also, be sure SIL isn't just stirring the pot.

Why has it gone from weekly to fortnightly? He can go weekly surely even if you don't

Maybe he feels a bit pressurized from some direction.

Dude - It’s not you she wants to see 🤣 - it’s your partner. Surely he can see her a lot more in the week as your set up seems to be you are a weekend sort of partner anyway? Or is he not allowed to do things himself during the week? You sound like hard work.

I'm fuming....Not sure what to do feel can't speak to her about it

Ffs. Not everything is about you.
She'd like to see her son more. That's between her and him. You have no right to be fuming and you certainly have no business speaking to her about it.

Many thanks for all replies. He works long hours so don't get a chance to see her in week (maybe does say once a month) but if he does she still wants to see him on a Sunday. He sees her more than 26 times a year as sees her extra ie birthdays, mother's day, Easter, Xmas etc. The sis in law said his mum not happy with you that's why I'm annoyed. As that Sunday when she's moaning had her round for lunch that I cooked! I've told my partner that I'm only going to see her once a month & he can go on his own other times. He don't want that, wants me to go. Sis in law says she moans about it every time she sees her. We going less as once a month we meet friends & go for a meal & then pub. Plus go cinema either Sat or Sunday, or we go away for weekends. My partner said it's nice to have a relaxing day & not have to go out. I put about her age but didn't mean derogatory, she has been a widow 25 years. We not the only visitors she has. Sis in law & her son visits every 3 weeks, her daughter once every 6 months! Also has (grown up) grandchildren visit. Plus 4 times a year we take her to a big town to look round the shops so do I lot but still not enough. My sis in law also toldy partner what his Mum said & he said I knew she wasn't happy about it

Concentrate on your own family and leave him to deal with his.

I think it is probably more that she never sees him without you. Sister in law should probably not have said anything but he should make the effort to spend time with her without you occasionally

OP, after reading your update...you need to tread carefully! Your SIL is telling you what her MIL is supposedly saying, but you don't know if it's been a passing comment or a good old whinge. All you have is your SIL's word, and by the sounds of it, she's a bit of a shit-mixer!! You need to be careful what you tell her.

Your SIL should have told your partner (which she seems to have done) and not you. It's not your issue to resolve but your partner's. He needs to talk to his Mum in person.

Step back and let your partner deal with the issue.

Lol @ 26 times a year.

You've counted how many times your boyfriend has seen his mum? 🙈🤣

No I was replying to someone on thread that said 26 times a year isn't a lot to visit someone. I'm not sure how to quote post 😂. I don't mind him seeing his Mum but don't see why I have to. A visit is 4 hours so takes a big chunk of day

But you really don't have to, surely you must know that?

Do you think his mum is going to be bitterly disappointed if he turns up every Sunday without you?

You can quote post by clicking the word "Quote" under the post concerned.

Your SIL is a troublemaker. She’s probably trying to make herself feel better about seeing MIL less frequently than you do.

I was going to say this. 26 times a year is not that much - she’s even calculated it takes four hours for each visit !! This is her partners’ mum and presumably he lives within visiting distance. I don’t think OP should get in the middle of this. SiL is telling tales and clearly can’t be trusted to keep a private conversation to herself. If her son has dropped to every other week since meeting OP then clearly mum sees this as her influence. And from the comments OP’s made I think there’s something to that as she seems to resent her and the time her partner spends with her.

From experience, this is a standard Mum complaint: she won't ever see her son enough to keep her happy, so just accept that. But he can visit her on his own if he wants.