AIBU to cut Sunday visits after partner’s mum complains?

[AmITooYoungForABungalow]

I don't live with my partner but go to his fri, sat come back Sunday night. We live in different towns due to work etc. We normally go to his mum's every Sunday but this was getting too much, so go every other week now. I knew she's not happy about it. His mum is 75 but a young 75, does voluntary work 5 mornings a week, drives etc. I met my partners sister in law other day for coffee she told me his mum was moaning saying she hardly sees him etc etc. I'm fuming, just had her round for dinner last week! Not sure what to do feel can't speak to her about it as don't want to get sis in law in trouble. Tbh feel like going less, or say partner to go but I won't. Any advice please? Thank you

I just meant 4 hours, so means we couldn't go there then go cinema/ meet friends after. Can't go to his mum's until after 2pm as she does voluntary work. Sis in law said you do something & his Mum expects it all the time. I hadn't even mentioned it to sis in law she brought it up. In response I said we entitled to have a life. My partner said he enjoys having a day where he's not rushing about

Don't give any of it a moment of thought, it's on your boyfriend to manage his relationship with his mother.

You're there to enjoy dates, if it's not enjoyable don't go, he can visit you.

His mother has a very negative mindset and you are not going to change this, you can only change how you react to it. Instead of being grateful, she is complaining it's not enough and whining for more. You should feel able to go to the cinema or meet friends without a guilt trip. You shouldn't have to give up your weekends for someone who is only going to complain about the time you gave up for them afterward.

I'd absolutely stop cooking for her. And I'd cool it with the visits, too. If your partner wants to go, let him, of course, but I'd say that unless she is going to be more pleasant company, then you are only going to fulfill the obligation here and there, like major holidays or birthdays.

Also, maybe if your MIL wants to spend her Sundays with you, then the compromise is that those weekends she gives up her volunteer job (it IS volunteer, not paid) and that way you can have an earlier visit and still have time to do things like the cinema or meet friends. It's hardly fair that she expects you to inconvenience yourself but she refuses to do the same.

You can make all the excuses you like, but it's obvious you don't like his mum and are doing everything you can to avoid going and cause a division between him and his mum. The way you write sounds as if you're very young, I suggest you grow up a lot!
And your SIL is a massive shit-stirrer....

I agree. She just made a remark, obviously wishes she saw her son more often but not that much of a biggie. She'd probably be fuming if she knew her words had been repeated.

I'd be happy to go to someone for Sunday lunch regularly unless I had something else to do. It would save me cooking :-).

I do not get why you are so cross about this, do you want the man all to yourself forever? You have him all Friday night, all day and night on Saturday.

What would you do for Sunday lunch if you didn't go to hers? Do you not like her?

Sorry just to clarify we don't have lunch at hers never have done. So it's rush if we go hers then have to come back & do dinner.

Fuming as she was complaining to sis in law on mother's day but we saw her that day & I cooked lunch for her I chose the present & wrapped it so made a big effort & just feel now, why bother

Where is the negative mindset and where is his mum ‘whining’ ? She’s his mother and she shouldn’t have to be ‘grateful’ for every crumb he throws her way. It appears that since he’s been with OP he’s cut his mum’s visits in half, and reading between the lines I think OP has had an input into that. With every post it’s becoming clearer that OP has no intention of spending any more time with his mum than she has to. When you’ve got to the stage where you’re counting the number of visits per year and how long each visit takes there’s something clearly wrong.

How old are you OP ? Because it seems you have a bit of growing up to do. A long term relationship involved family on both sides. How long do you spend with your own family. ? Does your BF have a relationship with them ? It all sounds very performative and maybe that’s what his mum is picking up on.

How old is your partner and how long since he had a previous partner? I expect he’s just got into this routine and his mum is miffed if you change it but he and she need to recognise that he isn’t a single bloke now.

With your update, reads like SIL is fed up over hearing about the lack of visits and so has told you and him in hopes to stop hearing about it every time she visits. The visit may be every three weeks but I can understand being annoyed if she has to deal with complaining as if she can force a son to visit more.

How far are his mum’s children from her? Does he call his mum at all during the week? Why does he not want to visit her alone?

I assumed you were going for lunch. Do you just sit and chat for 4 hours, then have to go home and cook? Sod that.

You've heard all this second hand. Speak to his mum directly or get your boyfriend to do that and find out what she really feels.

Frankly, you don't sound very nice or partiucularly literate.

If it doesn't work out satisfactorily for you, find another man, there are plenty of fish in the sea.

Perhaps she had no idea her son was so lazy?

Either way, just stop going, so your boyfriend can go on his own.

I don't know why you're making such a song and dance about it.

It's not your problem so I'd strongly redirect any and all conversations with the sister, sounds like she's stirring the pot. Let them get on with it.

his mum was moaning saying she hardly sees him etc etc. I'm fuming

really? It's an odd way to react to a mum who wants to see her son more.

Shes sad because she'd like to see her son more so you'll punish her by making her see her see him less? The daughter in law i dread getting.

Are you actually fuming? He sees her half as much as before, its understandable shes noticed a difference.

I think there’s a lot wrong here.

SIL shouldn’t be gossiping and passing things on, but then again why is MIL moaning to her about her son? It’s not her daughter’s fault if she wants to see her son more.

MIL should be going directly to her son with her complaints if she has any/ to discuss seeing each other more.

I’d be annoyed if I were the SIL/ daughter and getting these complaints!

Also, isn’t the point of not living with your boyfriend that you just get the fun dates / time together and you’re not enmeshed in these sort of family arguments?

Also occurs to me that in your head you have progressed to being “we” - where you and boyfriend are a unit. In MIL’s head (I’ve been using SIL and MIL but they aren’t really, are they?) you’re probably not seen in this way as you don’t even live together. Nothing wrong with that but she probably things - “why am I seeing my son less now, he’s just having his girlfriend over all the time”.

I’d stick to not living together in your shoes as it sounds a nightmare but this might account for her views somewhat.

It sounds like you've been very kind. I wouldn't have wanted to see my parents or inlaws every week. I'm a widow and don't expect to see my adult dc every week either. They are off living their life at uni. I'm their mum not a millstone round their neck.
Obviously if both parties want that it's fine.

The mother has not said one word to the OP. This is all word of mouth via SIL. This is a very over the top response to start freezing her out without even talking to her or letting her know what she's done "wrong". It's cruel, unnecessary and petty.

Get out of the middle! You don't even live with your partner and you're hosting his mother at your house for Mother's Day AND cooking for her AND choosing and buying her a gift? And your partner's family members (not even his sibling, but his sibling's wife) are coming to you to complain about your partner's behaviour toward his mother? It's one thing if your feel like partner's mother is a mother to you to and want to do all these things, but it sounds more like you're doing these things because your partner won't do them himself or won't do them alone. That's sad for the mum, but it's HIS problem to fix - YOU are not HIS mother.

Tell everyone involved that you are not the complaints department; if the SIL has a beef with her MIL discuss that with her, if a beef with your partner they discuss it. And then refuse to listen to any more of it. But yeah, there's no reason for you to go with your partner every time he sees his mother. Maybe his seeing her one on one with no distractions would seem more like "quality time" for her, which is what it sounds like she wants.

Yes, I also saw that as quite cruel. Like trying to train her to know her place.

But then again I do think the MIL is wrong for going to the SIL and not using her words to speak to her son!

Nowhere have I said he will see her less I said I will just see her once a month from now on. Have said this to him. I go to his as I don't work Fridays so I meet a friend who lives near him for a coffee then go to his. He gets back 8pm on Fri so by time had dinner not much of Fri left. I say Sis In Law as she is my partners sis in law.

Why did you choose the present and wrap it?
It's his mother.

Why are you getting so worked up about this? Either he goes by himself (because it sounds like you don't particularly want to fo anyway) or he doesn't go. If she has something to say then let your Partner speak up. I've no clue why you're getting involved?