AIBU to cut Sunday visits after partner’s mum complains?

[AmITooYoungForABungalow]

I don't live with my partner but go to his fri, sat come back Sunday night. We live in different towns due to work etc. We normally go to his mum's every Sunday but this was getting too much, so go every other week now. I knew she's not happy about it. His mum is 75 but a young 75, does voluntary work 5 mornings a week, drives etc. I met my partners sister in law other day for coffee she told me his mum was moaning saying she hardly sees him etc etc. I'm fuming, just had her round for dinner last week! Not sure what to do feel can't speak to her about it as don't want to get sis in law in trouble. Tbh feel like going less, or say partner to go but I won't. Any advice please? Thank you

If she's an active, healthy 75 she may have 20 + years left so the "she may not be around for much longer" comments are pure guesswork and a tad guilt tripping! The 'MIL' doesn't like the shift in routine since you became a consideration and she'd like things to go back to the way they were. It's understandable in a way but things change over time. It sounds like she sees quite a lot of her son as it is and you have done meals for her, visited etc. Your DP needs to have a talk with her to smooth this out and you can step back a bit from the family drama.

Once a week is an awful lot. Once a fortnight is still a lot, tbh. So mother really doesn't know how lucky she is!
But it's also fine for the OP not to go with him - they're not joined at the hip.

She probably does want to see him without you sometimes. Suggest that to him.

Sounds like it's not your problem. I understand why you're frustrated though. You SIL is stirring the pot and your MIL will always have something to moan about.

She will eat the food you cook for her and her son, moan about not seeing enough of her son but not proactively invite her son (and you!) over for a meal. I'd take a step back. You can't please them all, choose you first.

I think you are being mean when all your partners mum has done is complain to her DIL that she misses seeing her son as much as she used to. She is allowed to have feelings and someone to express them to. You DIL is shit stirring. She probably thinks she has no right to expect more or would have raised it with your DP. Its a big change if she has been seeing him weekly to seeing him fortnightly. Why can’t your DP have a relaxing day on a Saturday? Why can’t the Sunday visit be a couple of hours not 4 sometimes? Maybe on the way to or from doing something else. Your DP should sometimes visit her on his own too.

I'm not sure why you need to be involved tbh. He's a bf, someone you only see at weekends? Encourage him to see his family by himself and you just go occasionally.
Why is his dsis shit stirring it all sounds a bit dramalama ish.

Has she complained to you or your partner? If not, it's all just hearsay and I would take it with a pinch of salt.

So your SiL is a shit-stirrer and you allow her to shit-stir about your MiL in your presence.

I can't decide which of you is worse.

Why can't you do other things before HE goes to visit his mother? Nothing stopping you going to cinema or meeting friends while he is at his mums. You aren't attached at the hip but you seem to expect him to only put you first and cut out his family. His brother obviously sees their mum more.

You don't have a MIL or SIL, you are a weekend girlfriend not a wife or even long term partner living together. Your attitude stinks.

How long have you been with your partner?

This sounds so familiar with others I know.
Shes playing you off each other to cause a bit of a rift. Ignore it or catch her out and visit without warning one afternoon, she’ll be off guard particularly if you remind her that you are making an effort because you heard she was missing you both.

had a friend who’s mother used to do just this, telling anyone who listened her daughter never visited, and she never saw anyone, when she saw her very regularly. So she called on different day to find her mother had visitors, a regular group of friends who played cards at her house, cocktails and food, twice a week! Daughter didn’t know.

I don't understand why this is even taking up any of your headspace, let alone causing you to be 'fuming'. You don't live together, his family relationships are nothing to do with you. Leave them to sort it out amongst themselves.

I get where you are coming from OP, I guess others are making the point that you have changed their dynamic and she now misses the time and routine she had with her son. It's reasonable that you don't feel the need to see her as much. It is easy to blame the GF not the son who could maybe go see her in the week if she's lonely. I would be questioning whether you are really compatible long term. I speak as a wife of a man very close to his Mum and sharing him with her who is very much used to calling the shots very difficult. Maybe be wary of the DIL, it is awkward for her to be told that by MIL but not sure what good it does passing it on to you. Both sides have a point.

How long have you been together? It sounds as though she's a bit jealous of losing her close relationship with her son, if she's been widowed for 25 years he's become the "man of the house" to her. My grandmother was like this, she'd previously lived with him and never did come to terms with my father marrying my mother.

I feel your MIL is perfectly entitled to both a. miss her son and b. want to spend time with him without you. Each of your comments to me says the most important person is you and you are thinking purely of you, your feelings and not those of anyone else.

I agree with PP who say go out for a celebratory meal with him another time. Why shouldn't his mum want to celebrate with her son - rather than him and you "as his wife" a term you have used again and again and again.

You may have supported him and completed extra housework, but ultimately she is his mum and she wants to spend time with him as her son. Its a time to celebrate him and his achievement.

Why won't you allow her this?

@Purpleguitar where did you read OP referred to herself as her boyfriends wife repeatedly?
"as his wife" a term you have used again and again and again

(Did you post on the wrong thread? I think I know the one you meant to write this on)

If she's 75 then he's highly unlikely to be under 30, and to my mind wanting to spend more of his weekends with his girlfriend at this age seems entirely normal. The expectation that he will see his mum every Sunday for the rest of eternity seems unreasonable on her part, especially if he's around on other significant dates. If OP cooked for his mum on mother's day, and chose and wrapped his present for her, then I suspect this mother is not as close to her son as she would like to believe anyway. I'm a mother of adult sons and I would never demand such frequent attendance. They come when they want and I'm always happy to see them, but my world doesn't revolve around them and I'm glad they're living their lives. And if I felt otherwise, I'd be taking it up with them, not slagging their partners off to another family member constantly.

He sounds lazy.
Why are you doing wife work when you don't even live with him?
I am married and don't see it as my job to do this.
You having to spend every Sunday with the mother of a man you don't live with is ridiculous.

Tell him go on his own and sort it out if he doesn't wish to, but this is not your business.
You are far far too involved.
Which is utterly thankless IMO.

But your BF wants you to go with him to see her. So presumably he still wants to go to hers if he wants you to go with him,

Before you have even moved in properly as true partners, you seem intent on causing him a problem in order to punish her …but for what ?

You have no evidence, only hearsay from his SIL who may well be making it sound much worse than his mum intended it to sound. His mum said it in confidence.
Take no notice of other people’s private conversations that are then relayed to you with a confidence being broken. You have no idea who said what and how …as you weren’t there. You can’t trust his SIL. She is meddling.

As soon as his mum mentions it to you, that’s the time to explain things nicely to her from your point of view only, -not his.

Let him make his own mind up, based on his own feelings.
And you do the same of course.
It may be that you can meet in the middle or it may become an obstacle to your relationship so be careful how you handle this OP.
Making an enemy of his mum already, probably isn’t the way to his heart.

Assuming your partner is happy, then every other week isn't unreasonable at all. Don't let it bother you, just keep going about your business and she will get used to the new arrangement eventually.

An unreliable middle man might say the same to my daughter. I used to see her and the grandkids every weekend when her DH used to have to work. Now he only works weekdays, which is great as they get family time, and I'm really pleased for them. I still get to see them every couple of weeks at other points though

But it's possible to feel two things at once, and I probably have mentioned to friends and family that I miss the Saturday afternoon visits (while also saying I'm pleased for them). But if anyone wanted to stir things up, they could easily misrepresent my tone or what I actually said.

So I wouldn't be punishing your partner's mum, @AmITooYoungForABungalow (and indirectly punishing your DH). Maybe when you're chatting to her you could acknowledge that it must be quite a change for her now that he has a partner at weekends.

Respectfully, this is none of your business! This is between your boyfriend and his mum.

I see my mum at least twice a week.

She wants to see more of him not you, naturally enough as she's not your mother. If he wanted to he could make this work during the week while you're at your own house.

An update for you my partner went to visit his Mum yesterday & I didn't go. He's still going to go every other week but I'm only going to go once a month so he sees her on his own.