AIBU to say no when my nearly 6-year-old wants ballet flats?

[HannahW2768]

Hello dont know if chose correct topic but am I wrong/unreasonable for this?
My son who is almost 6 years old was with me when I went into clarks to buy myself some work shoes the other day and he really really liked the pair of ballet flats I got and said he wants a pair like them for himself
I told him no as these are for girls and people may not like him wearing them but was that wrong to do and should I have said yes and got him similar pair in his size?

I wouldn’t allow them due to terrible foot support and having worn nothing but ballet flats or heels for the majority of my teens and 20s, I now have terrible issues with my feet. But I’d never have told him no as they’re for girls. If he ends up being in to more feminine things I’d never want him to feel I am shaming him. I’d not actively encourage it, but I wouldn’t make a big deal of it

Why cant you be superman at a birthday party was my first thought too. Then I thought maybe because it might draw attention away from the birthday child?

I actually love seeing kids in outfits they've clearly chosen themselves when I'm out and about! Within common sense obviously eg a swimming costume in Tesco or a snowsuit in the middle of a heat wave are not good choices.

How about :
No
You have plenty of shoes
I cant afford it
I want doesn't get

Surely gender stereotypes are an essential part of being trans gender.

There was a brief moment where movements like let clothes be clothes were extremely popular. It was all about how girls or boys can wear clothes/ play with toys ‘for’ the opposite sex, and that was okay - didn’t change anything about them etc! It was breaking down sexist stereotypes.
However, sexist stereotypes are very much ‘in’ again, and this time he’ll have people telling him he’s really a girl! So no, unfortunately I don’t think you were being unreasonable given the climate. But I probably would’ve told him that theyre too expensive/ doesn’t need more. I think telling him things he wants are for girls, could make him feel some gender dysphoria. I know as a child I felt that way as I wanted Lego and cars which were for boys!

Fine to say no but because theyre not good for kids feet.

Ballet flats are impractical shoes for DC and best left for formal occasions not everyday wear so I wouldn’t buy them for a boy or a girl just because they randomly spotted some and asked. If we were actually shopping for some shoes for them to wear to a wedding/party then I’d maybe consider it. But in your case it’s easily shut down by you don’t need new shoes, we came here to buy shoes for mummy not for you and those are party shoes that you definitely don’t need right now. You don’t have to get into the ‘they’re for girls’ argument at all.

I wouldn’t of said people might not like him wearing them just left it as ‘no sweetie they are the girls shoes’

Whether it’s shoes, days out or after school snack at 6 you get to decide and steer him to something more suitable for whatever reason.

What would your answer have been if you had purchased heels that he liked?

Perhaps in the future it will be - 'but I want to wear girls clothes, so I must be a girl'?

I think you made a mistake personally.

I don’t agree with stereotyping clothes - he can wear what he wants when he is older.

I would have said no purely because they are not sensible shoes for a child regardless of their sex. I would have gone down that road as an explanation as to why he couldn’t have them.

In what way are the feet of 6 yr old children different based on gender?

I’ve read this thread before.

I would have said they are not for children because they are bad for your feet, and left it at that.

For weekends or short periods of time why not? I think they are not great for feet but for short times probably fine . I let my dc wear whatever they like while they were little it was a way for them to express themselves

Your reasons are wrong, and you shouldn't really voice sexist views to children. But also you don't have to buy a child something just because they ask. Just because it's a wee boy wanting something stereotypically 'for girls' doesn't mean you need to rush out to facilitate it.

I wouldn’t but ballet flats for a 5 year old… they need more structure and support

You don’t say no because they are for girls. It doesn’t matter who they are generally aimed at

you say no because his feet are growing and the offer rubbish support and he needs and deserves proper kids shoes while he is still growing to ensure his feet don’t get damaged

Of course school uniform is a rule to be followed, I said for a non-uniform day.

It doesn’t matter if they wear fancy dress any time, it was just an example where someone might make a comment. It’s an important part of child development to figure out social norms and that often results in a phase where some kids make unkind comments if you get it “wrong”. Obviously the unkind comments need to be addressed. It’s also valuable to the child who is less aware of or hung up on these “rules” to be able to discuss them with a parent.

The fancy dress example actually happened recently to a child of a friend of mine, a sensitive child who was very upset by another child’s comment and thinking that she’d got it wrong. So mum of course told her the other girl shouldn’t have been mean and you can wear what makes you feel good. But they also talked about when fancy dress is and isn’t expected, because that’s useful information for the future.

learning what people expect you to wear (and other rules of social behavior) in different situations is useful, it’s not equally easy for everyone to learn without explicit discussion. The child should definitely be supported to wear what they want while also building the skills to understand how that might be viewed.

Why can't it be a simple matter of the right footwear for growing feet ? There are differences between boys and girls’ feet - surely the priority is what’s healthy for the child.

Exactly this. Ballet shoes are terrible for feet. Fine for special occasions/dressing up/ballet but no good for school/running/playing.

This. Boys don't wear girls clothes/ shoes. If he wants to do it when he's older and at a non uniform that's up to him. Just now the answer is no

I probably would have gone with 'these style shoes are for adults, but it's nice you like them'. Or 'we're not buying shoes for you today, but it's nice you like Mummy's new shoes'.

Ballet flats aren't suitable for children, there's zero support.

Don’t say they’re for girls just say they’re bad for your feet. Which they are for both sexes as they have no arch support

I opened this thinking it was a girl and was going to agree you aren't unreasonable as they are terrible for feet....but also still feel agreeved that my mum wouldn't let me have a pair in 1986 when all the cool girls had them in patent leather in p2 and I had clarks t-bar sandals.

But no matter thats its your little boy I do agree as now being a mother I (shudder) agree with my Mum and they are terrible for feet.

My son wore (still wears to a lesser extent now he's 13/clothes have got slightly better) a lot of girls clothes and shoes as he had always liked bright colours and mostly high street shops boys choices were navy, black, khaki and beige. We had a lot of next girls stuff including rainbow trainers for quite a few years.

At 6 my DS was desperate for a pair of high heels - I did buy him some plastic princess pairs to wear in the house.

Would a pair of ballet slippers do to wear at home if he does keep coming back to this?