AIBU to say no when my nearly 6-year-old wants ballet flats?

[HannahW2768]

Hello dont know if chose correct topic but am I wrong/unreasonable for this?
My son who is almost 6 years old was with me when I went into clarks to buy myself some work shoes the other day and he really really liked the pair of ballet flats I got and said he wants a pair like them for himself
I told him no as these are for girls and people may not like him wearing them but was that wrong to do and should I have said yes and got him similar pair in his size?

Of course boys and girls are different, but as it’s not their clothes that make them different, I don’t see the problem in letting them wear what they like.

The notion of which clothes are ‘for boys’ and which are ‘for girls’ is completely arbitrary when they’re little, as pre-puberty boys and girls don’t have a different body shape and there’s no issue with clothes being cut differently.

If you’re going to tell a boy he can’t wear ballet pumps because they’re ’for girls’ you’d have to tell girls they can’t wear a blue t-shirt with a car on it because they’re ’for boys’, and it does girls no favours whatsoever to be repeatedly told that certain things aren’t for them.

YABU for instilling archaic gender norms in him at that age. Shoes don't have a gender

Ballet flats aren't suitable shoes for that age and you don't need to buy kids everything they ask for but making it about "these shoes are for girls and people won't like you wearing them" is regressive behaviour

I support trans rights far more than is generally the case on mumsnet. I wouldn't have bought the ballet flats though - at his age he is unaware of the reception he might get wearing them. There is a huge amount of discrimination against trans people who don't easily pass and if I could dissuade a child from exploring this idea I would - for their sake.

They are just shoes. I think most of mumsnet would agree that wearing girls shoes doesn't make him a girl.

@FrenchBunionSoup Erm…you actually think these things are there because boys’ feet and ‘wider’ and ‘need’ all that extra goodness but girls’ feet don’t? No. It is sexism. If you trusted shoe companies, you’d be certain girls feet are there only for looking pretty, not for being practical.

there is no physical difference that means a 6 year old boy can’t wear a pair of ballet pumps but girl’s can. The mum is being an arse. He expressed that something she had brought him joy and she shamed him for it. that sucks. Poor little thing.

Ironically she’s MORE likely to have triggered ideas of ‘I’m trans’ in him because she did that. He’s now thinking oh what I like is “girls stuff’ so I mustn’t be a good or proper boy… she’s not made him stop liking the shoes, just embarrassed him enough that it becomes a shameful secret. Good luck with that in ten years time.

MN has a weird habit of both insisting wearing "girls" clothes doesn't make you trans but a "man in a dress" and also insisting that boys can't wear "girls" clothes

Putting aside whether they’re bad for feet… I think it’s right to tell him that this style is usually worn by girls. Kids that age are sensitive to social norms and it would be rubbish to get him shoes and then he’s surprised and upset by teasing. But I’d tell him it’s fine to wear clothes made for girls if he wants to. Because they are in fact just clothes.

So what clothes or shoes should we tell girls not to wear because they are for boys?

and yes 99% of the trans moden bandwagon nonsense I dont agree with but not once will I ever tell any child of mine they cant do something because other people let their children bully or tease others

parents educate your children not to tease not other way around

Because a girl wont metaphorically get 7 bells kicked out of her for wearing them!

and you see nothing wrong with that situation? I suppose if the child's parents were Neanderthals I suppose it is an attractive quality in a partner even in 2026 I suppose

Of course you shouldn’t give in. He probably doesn’t even want them. More than half of the stuff young children “want” is just them noticing something and fancying it for a second. They don’t actually want or need it, they just like it. And they will continue to like it for approximately seven minutes, at which point they will “want” something else that they lay eyes upon and forget about the other thing entirely. 😂

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This

I’d judge any parent who lets a child wear ballet pumps as a shit parent. Who’d do that to their child’s feet?

Because he is a boy and not only will he look ridiculous he will be ridiculed by his peers. Social groups are extremely important to children.

100% agree

YANBU for not buying your child something when you've gone into a shop to buy something for you unless he's in need of new shoes. It's important for them to hear no.

I think my response would be, "Mummy needs shoes for X reason. You don't need any today because you have X pair and X pair." and not even got into the gender issue.

If you had been shopping for him, I'd have gently informed him that those shoes were normally for girls. Although it's possible he might get unkind comments or funny looks from some people, if it's something he really likes, he could still have them. I'd take him to look at others and tell him we could go back for them in a week or two if he didn't change his mind (unless he'd be wearing them all the time - in which case could go down the "bad for growing feet" line.

I'd also have said no.

Ballet flats are terrible for young children's feet - unsupportive and impractical.

My response would have been along those lines to both of my children at that age - the male one and the female one.

No. There is no significant difference between the feet of boys and girls of this age.

The difference in shoe design for children of this age is sexism.

That's it.

Boys are given robust, well constructed and supportive shoes to enable them to run, climb and play etc safely to protect their r feet and support their play.

Girls are provided with less substantial shoes that are unsupportive and don't facilitate active play to discourage girls from running, climbing etc and to encourage quieter and more feminine play.

That is all.

Is your son Harry Styles? Or Dec from Ant and Dec? Assume this post is based on those recent examples of men wearing ballet flats. Or has your son been inspired?

I didn’t say to tell him not to wear it but that it’s helpful to explain current social norms. Say a kid wanted to wear pajamas to a non uniform day at school, or wear a Superman outfit to a birthday party that’s not fancy dress, whatever, then I’d say something similar like that’s not what people will expect you to wear for whatever reason and you might get comments but you totally can if you want to. It’s not that you shouldn’t do something that others will comment on but it’s useful information. As a kid that never managed to read social expectations on my own I would have valued the heads up. Still would in many situations tbh.

Is he into fashion? Ballet?

I know you put random examples and to me school uniform is a rule that has to be followed

But why would it matter if a child wanted to wear a costume to a non fancy dress party? No i would not allow a a tee shirt and shorts if it was minus 20 and again actual rules need to be followed

But why are people so hung up on what children wear if practical is not important for the occasion

I would have just told him that they're not suitable for children because his feet are still growing and they offer no support around the foot.

As others have already said, I would have just done down the route of although they sell them in children's sizes they aren't great for children's feet (unless you also have a daughter you allow to wear these shoes). I can't walk in them myself so wouldn't let my child have them. Watching girls at school flop about in them and constantly lose their foot in them (maybe as they are the wrong sizes, or maybe just because they lack any support) is enough to put me off them for children.

Genuinely curious how they are different excluding size.

My dd has always chosen "boys" shoes because they were more comfortable and stayed on etc. From my pov they were always much sturdier and more practical.

Now she is a size 9 I'm glad she prefers "boys" shoes!