Im not excited with announcement of the first grandchild

[FirstNight]

23years ago I found mumsnet and became the network I shared and found strength and support as I raised my 3 children and make 100s of Mars lemon drizzle cake 😁

Really didn't think I'd be back here so soon seeking advice.

2026 the final child is 18. The mortgage will be paid in 2mths and the silver wedding anniversary will be upon us in the autumn.

Middle child ..21 in Sept. Moved out 2 yrs ago with the boyfriend. Back in December they noted the tenancy on flat was up and won't be renewed (house being sold). In January they asked if could bunk down with us for 6mths so they could save some extra £ before moving to a new place. Yes of course we say...for a rent payment that covers utilities and food and evidence of saving.

Now today...we have an excited couple informing us they are pregnant. But no other plans than still to move in with us. Dd job is likely not to pay more than maternity allowance , the only saving grace is that career chosen is term time so in 6 yrs will work well for them. Boyfriend has just moved from salaried to self employed...so not a positive for applying for new tenancies.

I was looking forward to enjoying freedom without a small child hanging about and time to reconnect to hubby. Seems we may end up as additional hands, broken nights sleep and a kitchen and lounge full of baby related paraphernalia.

I want to be excited but all I'm thinking and remembering is those first few years with our eldest and the struggles and challenges that come with this.

It’s quite sad that anyone would have this attitude about their own child.

If your kids can’t rely on you than who can they rely on? People in the Uk have become incredibly selfish and mean.

I live in a well to do spa town and there’s plenty of accommodation. The neighbours might not be great but the accommodation is good.

You can get on the register…and find that 400 people have priority over you for one property when you try to bid.

Honestly I'd be devastated.

My Dc are older teens now and I am enjoying life without small children...I can't wait for the next few years. I feel like I'm getting my freedom back. I'd be fucked if I had to live with a screaming baby again...and I'm someone who absolutely loves babies.

They are incredibly selfish imo to just think they can live at yours and start a family.

What is selfish is showing up to your mums house, grinning from ear to ear happily announcing that you are pregnant all whilst expecting someone else to house your baby without a seconds thought for anyone else.

It's the very definition of selfish.

You sound really old fashioned and frankly not very nice. There's no love, kindness or warmth coming from you.

God forbid you might love this new baby and get joy and excitement. Sounds cold and callous making rules .

I took am leaving this thread. It's deeply unpleasant. If I was your daughter I wouldn't want to live with you anyway .

This post has also shown just how in the dark ages people are, and also how they have no clue about council housing today.

Nice is a word used to make women put up with shit that no man would.

Well whatever - I’d do what I can to help them get in their feet. I’m sure they’ll be fine in the end. My children mean everything to me.

If you never want your children to ask you for any help after they turn 18 you shouldn’t have them imo.

And callous parents might regret their decisions when they’re old and not so independent.

Anyway I am leaving this thread now. Enjoy your quiet retirements, I’m sure you’ll be begging your adult children to visit at Christmas when you get lonely.

I don't get lonely. Always spend Christmas with my DC. No need to beg.

I’m sure a lot of us feel like you and me though.

Its outrageously selfish...the op has done over two decades of parenting and now can't even enjoy a peaceful house with her husband and a bit of freedom.

This.
Yes the DD is totally just thinking about herself and not the disruption to her mum's life. It's normal tho...we are all usually pretty self-centred till life's hard knocks humble us and make us realise nobody actually owes us anything and people who do care and give are to be handled with care.

And callous parents might regret their decisions when they’re old and not so independent.

There we go with the guilting. Let's do everything our child wants us to otherwise they will stick us in a crappy nursing home. That would make for such a great relationship.

Shit happens. Was it a planned baby? I would do anything I could to support my DS if needed, even if I had to live with a GC until they were sorted. Maybe I am a mug but that's how it was with my parents.

Parents have a responsibility to their children but the same isn’t true in reverse - that’s how life works.

If you’re the kind of self centred person who doesn’t want to put up with anything maybe don’t have kids in the first place.

There isn't only one way to support your child you know. That is such narrow minded thinking.

Also MN is not representative of the whole of the attitudes of the UK.

It's amazing that even asking the boyfriend to live with his parents is a reason to go no contact, according to some posters. That might be a compromise. But no the boyfriend must also be housed, because the OP dared to have a child!

Dark ages? Expecting women (because it is always women) to shut up and ''be kind'' is very much like the dark ages to me.

Women are allowed to say no, I have raised my children. They are allowed to have their own careers and their own lives. They are also allowed to expect their adult child to be an adult and take responsibility for a choice they have made.

I'm sure I'd love the baby very much but they wouldn't be my baby and I wouldn't expect to be housing them. Especially in OP's case if they showed up to my house all excited and entitled expecting me to house them.

Ooh are we playing child free bingo. <gets out dabber>

Yeah, that’s why it’s ok to have differing opinions. And I think it’s shit to not provide help to your child when you have the means. That’s my opinion.

For white British cultures maybe. Not in my culture, where elders are the responsibilty of their children too. If at all possible.

I'd offer help. It just wouldn't be the help they wanted in OP's circumstances if they showed up pregnant, excited and thinking of no one but themselves.

I'd help them look into UC to help with housing and childcare
If I could afford it, I'd consider helping with a bond/deposit for a private rental
If it was necessary, I'd also consider agreeing to be their guarantor

but they or the baby wouldn't be living with me in those circumstances.

I would make it very clear, they need to find somewhere else to live. And I would be very honest and tell them why ‘Look those first few years were the hardest of my life, my youngest child is turning an adult this year and I can’t start the baby years all over again. I will help as much as I can and will be there emotionally, financially and to get stuck in, but you just can’t stay here. It’s too much.’

And whatever you do, don’t tell them about clearing the mortgage. People assume when you’re mortgage free you seem to be rich beyond your wildest dreams.

So you'd rather force a young family apart instead? Nice.

Don't have a baby before you can house one then. It's a consequence of having to rely on other people to provide the basics for your child.

It might not always work out exactly they way you want.