Im not excited with announcement of the first grandchild

[FirstNight]

23years ago I found mumsnet and became the network I shared and found strength and support as I raised my 3 children and make 100s of Mars lemon drizzle cake 😁

Really didn't think I'd be back here so soon seeking advice.

2026 the final child is 18. The mortgage will be paid in 2mths and the silver wedding anniversary will be upon us in the autumn.

Middle child ..21 in Sept. Moved out 2 yrs ago with the boyfriend. Back in December they noted the tenancy on flat was up and won't be renewed (house being sold). In January they asked if could bunk down with us for 6mths so they could save some extra £ before moving to a new place. Yes of course we say...for a rent payment that covers utilities and food and evidence of saving.

Now today...we have an excited couple informing us they are pregnant. But no other plans than still to move in with us. Dd job is likely not to pay more than maternity allowance , the only saving grace is that career chosen is term time so in 6 yrs will work well for them. Boyfriend has just moved from salaried to self employed...so not a positive for applying for new tenancies.

I was looking forward to enjoying freedom without a small child hanging about and time to reconnect to hubby. Seems we may end up as additional hands, broken nights sleep and a kitchen and lounge full of baby related paraphernalia.

I want to be excited but all I'm thinking and remembering is those first few years with our eldest and the struggles and challenges that come with this.

No one’s saying people stop caring about their kids at 18. But caring about them doesn’t automatically mean you can, or should, let them move back in with a partner and a baby. That’s a huge ask, and for some households it would cause stress, overcrowding, or tension with other children.

Also, there’s a difference between “you’re always welcome in my life” and “you can move back in whenever you want.” Those aren’t the same thing.

Part of growing up is taking responsibility for your own choices. Parents can support, guide, and help where they can, but they’re not there to carry everything indefinitely. Sometimes setting a boundary is actually the more sensible, long-term supportive thing to do.

The bit about kids not visiting if parents don’t let them move back in is dramatic as well. Most adult relationships with parents come down to how they treat each other overall, not one decision like this.

It’s great your parents could always do that, but not everyone is in the same position. Everyone doesn't have to be like your parents. You do understand that in your 40+ years of living that people are different right?

@catchingup1 Agreed.
And it would appear the OP's daughter and her partner decided for her to get pregnant knowing full well about their precarious housing position.
They now have the responsibility of housing not only themselves, but their baby.

You are me 12 years ago when my youngest DD announced her pregnancy at 23 with no settled career and tenuous living conditions. In fact I went further and was gutted

12 years on, my DGC is the love of my life and I couldn't imagine a world without her in it. There were some hairy moments and DD struggled at times, but it all came right in the end as I am sure it will with your DD

@Pollqueen Did your daughter and her partner move in with you? For how long?

No, you’re wrong. Unless my child had committed a heinous crime there is no situation in which I would not move hell and high water to help them or let them live in my house, even if it meant I had to turn my living room into a bedroom. There is no situation in which I would have my child or grandchild be homeless or in a bed sit or hostel. Get a grip

@teamaven There is no reason as to why your child would be homeless - they can take responsibility and house themselves rather than living with you?
Young people are too reliant on the "goodwill" of parents these days and I do think it makes them more likely to make irresponsible decisions.
I categorically knew that if I got pregnant (accidentally) at a young age it would quite rightly be down to me (and my partner) to find somewhere to live - social housing/temporary housing/any housing. The responsibility would be mine. We would both have to work to pay the bills and make ends meet as best we could.
I would never have expected to up-end my parents' lives with my own foolish decisions.

I was in just that position...daughter,her husband and baby moved in with me for 2 years. I think it gave them a great start.
It was hard work for all of us but honestly I look back fondly to those days.

Get them to approach the council so they can be emergency housed and wait for a permanent home. It depends on what area you are whether things will progress quickly or not. You will have to say to the council they cannot live with you so they can be declared unintentionally homeless, otherwise council wont help.

Sounds like you’re the one who needs to get a grip. People aren’t wrong just because they have a different opinion than you.These two young people have behaved extremely irresponsibly and being excited about a pregnancy when he’s just gone self employed, she’s on minimum wage and they don’t have a home just proves exactly how immature and detached from reality they are. Even if ultimately their parents wouldn’t see them down and out, the first response should definitely be ok, what’s your plan? It’s not anything to be excited about, it’s a fuck up of monumental proportions and that fact doesn’t need sugar coating.

I know many will shoot me down in flames here but I wouldn't accept the assumption that DD baby will do early years back living at home. They seem thrilled, so likely this was planned- so why haven't they planned somewhere to stay?
All the self employed means they can't get a tenancy is nonsense, they will probably have to compromise (but what is moving back in with your Mum , if it's not compromise. If I were you I would feel like I had been ambushed.
Your DD and her partner have made decisions they are not in a position to make , without asking you first- the definition of an ambush.

The daughter and her partner are highly unlikely to want to give up their room in OPs for a room in a B&B with a shared kitchen. Even if they were, depending where they are in the UK, the wait could be years anyway.

The sooner they get on the list the better then and I can speak from experience having worked for the council that you don’t actually have to stay at the B&B
You can literally just appear to and live elsewhere and remaining a priority on the list

@icreatedascene I wouldn't give them the choice!
You have to learn sooner or later in life that "You burn your arse, you have to sit on the blister."

Well, that's just too bad isn't it? They might not want that but ultimately, it isn't their house so they don't get the final say.

Again, something they should've thought of before happily announcing the pregnancy to OP without seemingly any plan but for OP to solve the issue they have created.

A grandchild , that’s wonderful 😍 but the living situation isn’t ideal .
I would keep your promise to have them stay with you for the short term .
I think you might find they want to move out to their own place as soon as practical .
Reason I’m saying this is because I was in a similar sort of situation where I had to stay at my in-laws .
I didn’t ask for help at all with the baby because I didn’t want them to feel I was bothering them .
I managed by myself , helped around the house lots , helped with pets and their teenage kids .
i was desperate to get back into our own home with just my husband and our baby

Can the boyfriends parents help out on this! I would make it clear that she will not be living with you when the baby arrives.

If you want to help her.
Suggest you could help her out with a short term repayable loan as a one month rent/deposit on a small one bedroom flat.

Get a proper legal letter written up.
She really needs to grow up and start paying her way She ounds very entitled with unreal expectations.

All the best.
🤞

Tell boyfriend he has six weeks to become an employee again, but he and your DD will be moving out in six weeks regardless.

BF needs to put his nose to the grindstone now that he's going to be a father, because you and husband are NOT going to be supporting the pair of them, and someone needs to pay nursery fees - it will not be the nursery of granny and grandad.

You made a huge mistake allowing this young man to live virtually rent free under your roof. I suspect it just encouraged him to take the piss massively.

For me it's child or grandchild - yes, move in, move back, whatever.

Boyfriend - no way! I would not be giving an irresponsible young man the idea that his choices were OK by me.

There's no bloody social housing or council housing wake up.
It's going to get very hard to find rental accommodation soon too.
Separate thread on here today.

Sounds like it is OP's DD and boyfriend who need to wake up.

And I'm surprised by those who are judgemental and have zero empathy

I doubt they will want to stay with you for the long term.

I have young adults too though and in your position I would give them unconditional support.

@Netcurtainnelly Of course there is!!! But not OP's problem.
I'm 45 and in privately rented. Expensive, yes. Possible? Also yes.

Unbelievably judgmental post.
Are you for real?

@mathanxiety Daughter and boyfriend both equally to blame for the pregnancy.