Im not excited with announcement of the first grandchild

[FirstNight]

23years ago I found mumsnet and became the network I shared and found strength and support as I raised my 3 children and make 100s of Mars lemon drizzle cake 😁

Really didn't think I'd be back here so soon seeking advice.

2026 the final child is 18. The mortgage will be paid in 2mths and the silver wedding anniversary will be upon us in the autumn.

Middle child ..21 in Sept. Moved out 2 yrs ago with the boyfriend. Back in December they noted the tenancy on flat was up and won't be renewed (house being sold). In January they asked if could bunk down with us for 6mths so they could save some extra £ before moving to a new place. Yes of course we say...for a rent payment that covers utilities and food and evidence of saving.

Now today...we have an excited couple informing us they are pregnant. But no other plans than still to move in with us. Dd job is likely not to pay more than maternity allowance , the only saving grace is that career chosen is term time so in 6 yrs will work well for them. Boyfriend has just moved from salaried to self employed...so not a positive for applying for new tenancies.

I was looking forward to enjoying freedom without a small child hanging about and time to reconnect to hubby. Seems we may end up as additional hands, broken nights sleep and a kitchen and lounge full of baby related paraphernalia.

I want to be excited but all I'm thinking and remembering is those first few years with our eldest and the struggles and challenges that come with this.

Exactly. And what if the bloke leaves? Little money, baby, living at the inlaws - not the best situation.

If they are determined to have the child then the least they can do ensure they can support it

Totally agree, why do we, as a society, seem to infantilize grown adults these days? I think there's an awful lot of projection on this thread.

Id help with a house deposit or new lease deposit. Say no space for 3 but be excited. If you're really not dont show it. You'll never repair the damage

They are old enough to have sex so old enough to face the consequences of that decision.

Let's be realistic, most of the burden is likely to fall on the OP. It usually falls on women.

Funds to help...we not in a position to fund rent/deposits unfortunately.

Try reading the OP's posts. Currently there are only two.

Your concerns are understandable. However.. I would explain that they might find it difficult becoming a new family in someone else's home and I'd offer to help them find a new place. What I wouldn't do is make them feel they, and my new grandbaby, are unwelcome. I didn't have children in order to abandon them when they need me as adults. Some of the advice here would damage your relationship irreparably.

I didn't have children in order to abandon them when they need me as adults.

It is not just black and white. OP can support them while they live elsewhere. This does not mean abandoning them. It is worth the DD and boyfriend asking themselves why they are having this child.

I doubt they will though - they just expect the OP to pick up the slack. Ironically if they were mature enough to have a child, they would be mature enough to understand why it’s a bad idea at the moment

It will fall on OP not the DH or the boyfriends parents. DD will no doubt expect a lot of support from OP.

They are excited because they know OP will pick up the slack.

Or as I said 17 pages ago mummy sticking her nose in might be exactly the kind of motivation they need to move out quickly. It’s certainly worked for me.

Same here. This thread makes me really grateful for my parents!

There's a huge difference between loving your children and being supportive of them, and inviting a whole second family to come and live in your small house when you're near retirement, way past the sleepless nights, still working full time, and know you'll be roped into tons of baby care. That's especially the case when you know that letting said family stay is basically enabling your daughter to make a poor life choice.

It's probably time to sit your daughter down and go through the practicalities of nursery fees, work and how she and her boyfriend will be supporting this new life. The idea of a baby can be a lot more attractive than the reality!

Abstinence is an option. It is free as well!

Not everyone wants to have to deal with an irresponsible immature couple who expect others to pick up from their crappy choices

I imagine they will get the free childcare from 9 months if they both work so op won't need to help out in that regard.

Doesn’t sound like working (certainly enough to afford childcare) is too much of a priority

What an unkind comment.

Same thing happened to me although not living with me. I was not pleased as I thought he’d be a terrible father. He left and he is. Grandchild 6 years old. I look after him during the week After school now. I love him to bits and wouldn’t be without him. It will be fine. Just make sure they don’t take advantage and help them more as quickly as possible.

How harsh are you!!!!!

That is definitely what I'd be suggesting and willing to help with.

Hi OP, new mum here! I am an older mum! :) so totally get you. There is kids stuff EVERYWHERE…I love my child more than I can say buy living with a young child is stressful so I don’t blame you for feeling that way. I am generally not one to push a child out. I will not be charging my child rent ever if she chooses to live in our/her home but I am going to have to agree with the majority here and say no to them moving in now. I am holiday with my toddler visiting my parents 11 hours away from London and she is wrecking this place with just ordinary toddler stuff… my parents arent that bothered but I am mortified. Her schedule is totally dictating the day (from what time we eat/ where we go etc! Dad is taking the dog out at nap times so DDog doesn’t get the Baby up. Also so DDog can have a break from the constant petting and hugging! Having a baby/toddler is gruelling work so it’s ok on this on occasion to help make alternative arrangements to help then

Sorry not the person saying they would tell their own child they can’t stay with them and ‘how selfish of them to think they can stay with you’? Your own flesh and blood. Mmmmmkay

Why would you not want to marry the parent of your child? There are plenty of benefits to being married. It shows you are serious about the relationship and have made a formal commitment and contract with each other. It gives you rights should the relationship break down-how many times have you heard of someone being left vulnerable-and it tends to be the woman-because they have no rights over assets and support-so important when there are children involved. I’d be upset if my dd had a baby without being married.Thankfully, she feels the same as me.

In this case, what assets?

I wouldn't be encouraging my 21 year old to rush into a marriage just because she happens to be pregnant.

It's absolutely not up to you to house them. Now your daughter is pregnant that is the responsibility of both herself and her partner. Their baby, not yours.