Im not excited with announcement of the first grandchild

[FirstNight]

23years ago I found mumsnet and became the network I shared and found strength and support as I raised my 3 children and make 100s of Mars lemon drizzle cake 😁

Really didn't think I'd be back here so soon seeking advice.

2026 the final child is 18. The mortgage will be paid in 2mths and the silver wedding anniversary will be upon us in the autumn.

Middle child ..21 in Sept. Moved out 2 yrs ago with the boyfriend. Back in December they noted the tenancy on flat was up and won't be renewed (house being sold). In January they asked if could bunk down with us for 6mths so they could save some extra £ before moving to a new place. Yes of course we say...for a rent payment that covers utilities and food and evidence of saving.

Now today...we have an excited couple informing us they are pregnant. But no other plans than still to move in with us. Dd job is likely not to pay more than maternity allowance , the only saving grace is that career chosen is term time so in 6 yrs will work well for them. Boyfriend has just moved from salaried to self employed...so not a positive for applying for new tenancies.

I was looking forward to enjoying freedom without a small child hanging about and time to reconnect to hubby. Seems we may end up as additional hands, broken nights sleep and a kitchen and lounge full of baby related paraphernalia.

I want to be excited but all I'm thinking and remembering is those first few years with our eldest and the struggles and challenges that come with this.

This. At 21 they’re throwing their lives away. They have absolutely nothing to fall back on - no proper job, living arrangements, just nothing. Just because you can fall pregnant doesn’t mean that you must have a baby. They sound far from responsible people let alone parents to be. I can understand your upset, I would be so very disappointed too

@PinkTonic@HoppingPavlovaSensible voices on this thread .

21 is NO age at all to be having a baby- no financial security, job, life experience or anything to offer themselves let alone a child.
It was also drummed into me to not even dare think of a baby before I had life sorted out first. I’m SO glad my dp’s were so hard on us, because looking back I had nothing to offer a child at 21.
i will be drumming it into my dc too. Education first and foremost. A good job, live life a lot and then settle down with children.

The dad of this child will have to sacrifice his want to go self employed and stick with a job with an employer.

@LBFseBromJust wondering what you think the “efforts” should be? I see another poster agrees with you but the dad is self employed and has recently stated this. So what is his income? Probably cannot prove it and might be cash in hand! He needs a job but even that means he’s no employment record. DD does term time only but won’t get maternity pay. Therefore, essentially, she’s part time. What effort can they possibly make in the short term to get a place of their own? As for the op - what should she do? Beg for a flat for them? Pay for one? What effort do you envisage? Her dd is clearly not making any effort with work or standing in her own two feet with her boyfriend. They have a child on the way probably 5 years too early. The op has the problem whichever way you look at it. If it was easy, it would have been solved before the pregnancy.

Agree. That would show at least some effort.
But no doubt if OP raises it, they will go no contact!

@CharlotteRumpling That might be difficult as they live in the same house.

Indeed! 😉 I was joking as a number of posters have threatened the OP with no contact.

They need to take responsibility for their own choices - why choose to have a baby with no solid jobs or even a home?!

OP, realistically how is it all going to work for your daughter? They are both very young and don't earn much. Without your help with childcare and/or money for childcare, it seems they would struggle, no?

This is something that OP's daughter and her boyfriend will need to work out. OP works full time so won't be able to provide any childcare.

Well, that’s not true. Women have been having children at this age throughout human history but you’re saying none of them had anything to offer whatsoever?

They have 21 years more life experience than the child they gave birth to and circumstances vary. Not sure why you couldn’t have a job, either.

The boyfriend can give up his self employed plans and get a job. Can his parents not help?

Is OP the only option?

But how?.. I mean my DH and I are finding it tough even with sensibly paid jobs (we are not young) as we don't have any grandparents help.

Surely OP wants her daughter to do well and she has to somehow step in? I can't imagine how a couple in their position would manage in current economic situation.

Ok even if he gets a full time job. How much would he be paid at 21? It's unlikely to cover all - given they need to cover rent, other bills, food, the new baby etc.

What will happen after OP's daughter finishes her maternity leave? How will they pay for the nursery considering it's not free?

It’s perfectly reasonable to go NC if your parents refuse to house you, your boyfriend, and your baby, to facilitate your self-employment aspirations. and to provide unlimited free childcare, no?

Well, maybe it is something they should have considered before deciding to have a baby or if it wasn't planned, maybe thinking a bit more about if it is the right time rather than turning up to OP grinning from ear to ear expecting her to magically fix everything.

Maybe OP's DD needs to have a shorter maternity leave to help pay any bills or take a 2nd job during school holidays if she's term time only
Maybe the boyfriend needs to halt his self employed plans and work 1-2 jobs
Maybe they need to claim UC so they can receive childcare help

OP has bills to pay too. What is she supposed to do?

Well it probably was not planned. The OP's daughter could be quite lost and overwhelmed with hormones right now...

However how could she work? If she goes off maternity leave she needs to pay for the nursery - that's quite a lot! And I think even if her BF gets employed again a young person's salary is unlikely to cover all they need, considering rent.

It's tough! I guess the OP has no other choice but to let them in so they can at least not to pay rent. What else it to do here?

I'm surprised people are sympathising with a couple so clueless.

That’s up to the daughter but I would be disappointed that she wasn’t mature enough to think twice about it

Personally, I'd expect them to use UC to get back on their feet which offers help with housing and childcare costs from 9 months.

If OP wants to stick with the original agreement, fair enough but I'd be making sure they are fully aware that it will be 6 months and 6 months only as originally agreed.

Well I am not in their shoes (thankfully) but I do feel sorry for them. It's unlikely this happened on purpose. But it's already happened... At 21 they are basically still kids in my eyes, and they potently *ucked up their own life.

Maybe they should be worried rather than so excited about the pregnancy in that case?

If the boyfriend gets 2-3 jobs then that might go more towards paying the bills. If she is early in pregnancy then maybe she can get some other work too.

What about the boyfriends parents or grandparents? Maybe everyone can chip in for the happy couple.

Of course it's disappointing and it's not great this happened! But I guess OP (and her husband!) still needs to figure out some sort of help of them. What else could they do?

Well we know nothing about the BF's side relatives... If he has any. If would be good if OP clarified that. If there are any, they certainly should step in too, so is OP's husband.

I might have missed the part when it says they are excited - but normally it's quite mixed feelings, even in better circumstances. And as they are so young they may not even fully understand what they are getting themselves into

From the OP.

''Now today we have an excited couple informing us that they are pregnant''.

That is a reason why my back would be up and potentially a reason why OP's back is up as well.