Im not excited with announcement of the first grandchild

[FirstNight]

23years ago I found mumsnet and became the network I shared and found strength and support as I raised my 3 children and make 100s of Mars lemon drizzle cake 😁

Really didn't think I'd be back here so soon seeking advice.

2026 the final child is 18. The mortgage will be paid in 2mths and the silver wedding anniversary will be upon us in the autumn.

Middle child ..21 in Sept. Moved out 2 yrs ago with the boyfriend. Back in December they noted the tenancy on flat was up and won't be renewed (house being sold). In January they asked if could bunk down with us for 6mths so they could save some extra £ before moving to a new place. Yes of course we say...for a rent payment that covers utilities and food and evidence of saving.

Now today...we have an excited couple informing us they are pregnant. But no other plans than still to move in with us. Dd job is likely not to pay more than maternity allowance , the only saving grace is that career chosen is term time so in 6 yrs will work well for them. Boyfriend has just moved from salaried to self employed...so not a positive for applying for new tenancies.

I was looking forward to enjoying freedom without a small child hanging about and time to reconnect to hubby. Seems we may end up as additional hands, broken nights sleep and a kitchen and lounge full of baby related paraphernalia.

I want to be excited but all I'm thinking and remembering is those first few years with our eldest and the struggles and challenges that come with this.

Both things can be true at once. You can be happy about a new baby at the same time as mourning the freedom and control over your own life that you wanted to be enjoying. You can be disappointed that your daughter's going through this huge life changing ultimate responsibility while also wanting to show your love and support by allowing them to live with you rather than be in a housing crisis.

It isn't ideal. But it is what it is.

Is there some naivety at play here with your daughter and her partner? That they're excited about the baby but haven't really fully grasped the impact it will have on their finances, their relationship, and all under the same roof as you and your husband?

My worry would be their expectations about the level of support post partum, that it'll be too easy for them to have you to help with baby and housework and meals and so on. Lovely for them, but it sounds like it's not really what you had in mind. I also think it's important for them as a couple to have that early time to bond as a parent. I don't think my husband would've wanted us to be living with my parents in the run up to my first baby - it's kind of infantalising and emasculating.

Have they fully grasped what their plans will be post-baby? She's training so can she take a year's sabbatical from that? Would she be able to return part time? What's the impact on their income as a couple? Having babies young doesn't have to be the end of the world. We were in our early 20s but we both had full time jobs and a mortgage at the time so it feels a very different situation.

My mum didn't get much time between youngest child leaving and first grandchild being born (actually, she didn't get a gap at all, my brother was 16 when my first was born). She loved it but the difference is that we weren't living with her and I think that's the main thing for you isn't it. It's gone from a short term thing to something that's tied up in a pregnancy and all the financial and emotional and physical things that go along with that.

To step back, I'd think about it with a business head on - what are you visions and values as a mother? You want your child to feel safe and loved, and you can do that by welcoming them to stay in your home. However, you also want your children to be independent and live big lives and you want to live your own independent life too. This is the trickier conversation around really nailing down what their exit plan is, what's their route back into their own place, how much are they saving, what's the maternity allowance situation, all that stuff.

For your daughter, the wording and approach matters. I think it needs to wrapped in language about how you best support them into their independence. "You'll want your own space as a new family. You need to bond as the three of you."

Are you suggesting they should kill their baby, which they are very excited about because their situation isn't ideal? How ridiculous, everyone's situation can change at the drop of a hat anyhow, so should nobody have any babies anymore?
I would help out my children in any way I possibly could.

Exactly, as someone who also experienced fertility issues, nothing is guaranteed. My family very much took it for granted that there would be lots of grandchildren, but had it not been for my little miracle the line would’ve ended with me. Early menopause is a thing and certainly in my family‘s case it came out of nowhere.

Why horrified? You do realise people are different right? Just because your daughter got pregnant at 21 and it all worked out lovely does not mean every one has to copy you.

Not every family can take in an adult child, their partner and a baby, even if they care deeply. Space, money, other children, health, work - all sorts of reasons. Saying no isn’t automatically a lack of love.

Young people do need to take responsibility for their own choices and build their own lives. Support is important, but it shouldn’t always mean parents stepping in and carrying everything.

What worked for one family won’t work for all. It’s not fair to suggest that different choices are why society is “disjointed.”

This sounds so hard. Is your son not making a contribution to the bills?

You deserve peace, quiet and a clean house.

Exactly this. OP has said she is going to be working full time for several more years yet. She's not a spring chicken anymore (sorry OP), and broken nights are going to make that really hard. There's a reason normal women don't have babies in their 50s - they just don't have the energy!

I wouldn't be over the moon about this either. To me, parenting is enabling your children to stand on their own two feet, not be dependent forever. You can be prepared to support her with ad hoc childcare, advice etc, but also be annoyed with the thought of a lot of disruption in a place (your own home) where you can't escape from the noise and there's no promise of an end to everything. Well, maybe in 5-6 years, but the ddd may well have had another baby by then.

The pressure usually falls on the poor mums. Notice how rarely women mention their dad being so helpful and supportive.

I think that means that when the child goes to school it will be a godsend.

Depending on where you live, OP, it may be worth them putting their names down on council housing register. Very dependent on where you live though. In my neighbouring authority, there is no council housing availability unless you are literally out on the street, and even then it would more likely be hostel or B&B accommodation. However where we live, my friend’s daughter got a house for herself and her baby daughter,
after they had moved back with parents following relationship breakdown.

Can they move in with the boyfriend's parents?

Why should OP shoulder any burden if she doesn't want to. These two are two adults and need to shoulder their own burden which is of their own making. A new born in the house. If that isn't what OP wants she shouldn't be guilt tripped into accepting.

That's not true. That's exactly what I did. I would never have aborted but thankfully, I never faced that situation. I waited until I had a lovely husband, a good career and a nice house. It felt like exactly the right time to have a family.

I completely agree. My position with my 3 was exactly the same.

If you’re old enough to make a decision to bring a new life into the world, you’re old enough to have come up with the plan for how you’ll manage.

Worrying comments on the thread about being responsible for caring for our children for ever. When I had children I deemed my responsibility to be caring for them until they were adults, and that care involved bringing them up to be functional adults, fully educated and launched into their chosen careers. Do these people genuinely believe that caring for your offspring for ever means that when they are old enough to make their own decisions we should just accept those decisions, however poor, and whatever the impact on us? Like you have a child and that means you are literally martyred to their whims forever?

Happily my children are functional adults, haven’t gone NC, and I was recently absolutely overjoyed to become a grandmother to a gorgeous baby boy who my DD and her excellent husband were more than ready for.

Thank you but I do have murderous thoughts ha ha

I imagine the op's 21 year old daughter became pregnant by accident but now that it has happened, is making the best of it and looking forward to the baby. There's no point in being negative about it, it's an innocent child who deserves a welcome regardless of circumstances.

However she and her partner need their own place and I think efforts should be put into finding somewhere suitable, not far from parents so they have some support.

I would think that without the baby’s father present, there would be even more expectation on the OP.

A very reasonable post.

Yes, the boys are from a different mum but he has full custody as she is nuts. The last one is from his now partner who has her own home but stays over a lot.

He does when it suits him but of course the excuse is he has to do his new house up. It’s totally my fault for enabling this behaviour.

my ds and ddil live with us and have done since lockdown . We now also have our first dgd living here and it’s a blessing . The best thing ever being able to be so involve in her life is amazing . You maybe surprised and love having your grandchild under your roof

Less incentive for him to move out. Mums of babies do significantly more childcare than the dads anyway. He needs to find somewhere asap whilst living with his family.

And that is up to you. Can you not see how the OP has just got her life back and doesn’t want to have to shoulder the burden for two irresponsible people?

Well they should have thought of that

If you end up doing child care of grandchild so they can work:

https://www.gov.uk/guidance/apply-for-specified-adult-childcare-credits

That only applies to missing years required for the state pension.

If OP wants to take her pension at 60 it must be a private pension, so will need however many years of contributions that private scheme requires. That in itself presumably means she won't be available in the working week for any childcare as she needs to work herself.