Im not excited with announcement of the first grandchild

[FirstNight]

23years ago I found mumsnet and became the network I shared and found strength and support as I raised my 3 children and make 100s of Mars lemon drizzle cake 😁

Really didn't think I'd be back here so soon seeking advice.

2026 the final child is 18. The mortgage will be paid in 2mths and the silver wedding anniversary will be upon us in the autumn.

Middle child ..21 in Sept. Moved out 2 yrs ago with the boyfriend. Back in December they noted the tenancy on flat was up and won't be renewed (house being sold). In January they asked if could bunk down with us for 6mths so they could save some extra £ before moving to a new place. Yes of course we say...for a rent payment that covers utilities and food and evidence of saving.

Now today...we have an excited couple informing us they are pregnant. But no other plans than still to move in with us. Dd job is likely not to pay more than maternity allowance , the only saving grace is that career chosen is term time so in 6 yrs will work well for them. Boyfriend has just moved from salaried to self employed...so not a positive for applying for new tenancies.

I was looking forward to enjoying freedom without a small child hanging about and time to reconnect to hubby. Seems we may end up as additional hands, broken nights sleep and a kitchen and lounge full of baby related paraphernalia.

I want to be excited but all I'm thinking and remembering is those first few years with our eldest and the struggles and challenges that come with this.

I’m not sure why you are so unpleasant the point of whole MN is to offer a POV I’m assuming this is why the OP started this thread. Many believe the OP should literally chuck her daughter onto the street either heavily pregnant or postpartum or she should simply terminate the pregnancy, separate the child from their father or make them live in temporary accommodation these are all valid arguments and I’m assuming these people genuinely mean it they are not just saying this for the sake of it.
But I feel a need to offer an alternative perspective. Im a similiarish age to the OP and have youngish adult children so I like everyone else am free to am put my own option forward even if it appears to go against the majority. I have acknowledged up thread that she’s not over the moon and suggested how to deal with it but also pointed out a possible consequences. I’m sure the OP has thought about this but it does not harm to point out consequences of our actions when making difficult decisions.
Ive been told that I might have a different perspective if I was 50 + and post menopausal with declining oestrogen/caring hormone so it seemed fair to point out that I’m 60+ don’t know about declining hormones and a baby boomer apparently we never wanted children.
We are all different and have different views and life experiences this is an open forum and people I’m assuming start threads like this for advise support and to hear others views and experiences so I am as entitled to give mine as you are although I don’t feel a need to resort to unpleasantness to people who don’t agree with me. Maybe this comes with maturity 🤣

I’m surprised you’re still here, TBH. You literally flounced upthread.

I understand how you feel. My brother and SIL had pretty much the same thing. The reality for a couple with no money and limited prospects in their very early 20s is that implicitly they are (probably rightly) assuming that they can live with mum, experience limited bills and have child minding on tap. In some cases the vast majority of work falls to the GP. For most of us there would be little alternative other than to mostly accept this hard reality. I would not throw a pregnant daughter out on the streets, and I suspect they would really struggle to find and fund accommodation. So, I think you are right to be upset and wary of the life changes this will bring. The only thing you can do is to encourage your DD to develop an exit strategy and to look to stand on her own two feet. However, with a baby in toe in the current climate that will be hard.

I have had my son and his 3 children living with me for 7 years, it’s a nightmare, I love those kids but my son is as messy as hell. The two year old cry’s all the time. I wear earplugs every night now. He’s bought a do up house ( across the fecking road 🙄) and I’m counting down the days for him to go so at the ripe old age of 60 I can have peace and quiet and a clean house, not to mention all my bills dropping.

@Fromyonfarcountryblows

I’m sorry I cba to read your latest. OP is not over the moon. This doesn’t mean she doesn’t love her kids; won’t care about her gc; that she’s not a loving/compassionate person - it just means she doesn’t want to do this right now.

You are a saint.

Clearly you didn’t read the post! OP’s daughter has a term time job so when their child reaches school age there won’t be a need for care in school holidays! It also sounds like her daughter has not long been in her current job so won’t be entitled to occupational maternity leave pay!

Your right I did say I’d go and I should have I’m not really sure why I didn’t. Frankly I’m not sure I “flounced” I just found it depressing some of the responses. Anyway over and out.
Good luck to you OP 💐

You’re right. Tell DD to abort the baby and to try again in September 2028 when she has gone on a few cruises and is ready to be a grandparent.

Wow. Projecting much?

Did you miss the bit where the OP is going to have to shoulder some of the burden?

So you're very needy,not everyone is.

So at least one of the children was born several years into them living with you?

That is awful and I imagine the OP is concerned about this kind of scenario

This sounds perfectly reasonable.

The DD could always have a baby when they can actually support it

I don't think abortion has been mentioned by the OP, or indeed by anyone. Or that the OP has mentioned wanting to go on cruises. She's still working full time to pay for all this, after all.

I am also curious about this too.

Naive how?? If my post makes me naive to you then so be it.. ! I never said anything about sending the bf away either so not sure if u have mixed me up with someone else??

I am a school teacher myself so I fully understand certain work issues and had to resign from my post due to lack of support and difficulty with childcare.
I did not anticipate my whole world changing and having to leave my career of 15 years...

The poster has taken her perceived views of what MAY happen to the internet instead of just having a conversation with her adult child and her own husband..

The world we live in today is extremely difficult and circumstances can change at the drop of a hat.

Support doesn't necessarily mean becoming a nanny unpaid to her grandchild.
Additionally the father of the child im sure has family too so why is she taking it all on her head and just assuming everything.

Yes what this thread needs is a hyperbolic, performative pivot to termination and cruises.

I think she means that’s when child will be starting school.

If they're grown up enough to be having a baby, then they're grown up enough to need their own place rather than live with you. That would be a hard boundary for me and I think it's a fair one. Surely they would be in a good position to be accepted onto the local social housing list with a baby on the way?

As a mother and a grandmother I am absolutely horrified at some of the comments on here. My daughter became pregnant at 21 with nowhere to live at the time but our home and it never ever entered mine or my husbands head that she and her partner and baby would not stay with us until they were on their feet with guidance and help from us. At the time she had 2 younger brothers and the house was cramped but again they would have been upset to see her struggling and we all made it work. Needless to say we have an extremely close relationship with our daughter and now grandaughters. I make no wonder society is like it is and families are so disjointed with the attitudes of many on here. We reap what we sow in life and all that really matters is the love we have from the people around us!

My thoughts as well !!

I married at 22 and didn't use proper contraception .. i had sex daily when i was first married and for many years after that. I had my first and only pregnancy at 32.

There are no guarantees. When i got pregnant i saw it as my only chance to be a mother. I wavered a little after my dh had his vasectomy (when my son was 1 month old and i was v hormonal), but then the iran war started and given the years of geopolitical instability and possible ww3, i doubt i will want or be able to bring any more kids into the world. Ww3 isnt at our doorstep yet, i cant say the same when OP's daughter is my age (33). I am glad i had my baby when i did.

Something to bear in mind if you’re reading what sound like extreme or quite shocking comments on Mumsnet and it’s getting you down is that a fair proportion of them are completely fake. There’s pretty good evidence that Mumnet themselves post comments and threads in order to generate interaction. And why wouldn’t they? It clearly works. Obviously, this post is going to generate people saying well I’m not fake. But somebody who was fake would say that too so shrug.

This is quite odd. You think women drawing boundaries for themselves and not enabling their daughters to make stupid decisions are fake? You think it's extreme to not be over the moon at housing and providing childcare for an entire family with no prospect of them moving out?