Im not excited with announcement of the first grandchild

[FirstNight]

23years ago I found mumsnet and became the network I shared and found strength and support as I raised my 3 children and make 100s of Mars lemon drizzle cake 😁

Really didn't think I'd be back here so soon seeking advice.

2026 the final child is 18. The mortgage will be paid in 2mths and the silver wedding anniversary will be upon us in the autumn.

Middle child ..21 in Sept. Moved out 2 yrs ago with the boyfriend. Back in December they noted the tenancy on flat was up and won't be renewed (house being sold). In January they asked if could bunk down with us for 6mths so they could save some extra £ before moving to a new place. Yes of course we say...for a rent payment that covers utilities and food and evidence of saving.

Now today...we have an excited couple informing us they are pregnant. But no other plans than still to move in with us. Dd job is likely not to pay more than maternity allowance , the only saving grace is that career chosen is term time so in 6 yrs will work well for them. Boyfriend has just moved from salaried to self employed...so not a positive for applying for new tenancies.

I was looking forward to enjoying freedom without a small child hanging about and time to reconnect to hubby. Seems we may end up as additional hands, broken nights sleep and a kitchen and lounge full of baby related paraphernalia.

I want to be excited but all I'm thinking and remembering is those first few years with our eldest and the struggles and challenges that come with this.

Or more likely they’ll end up in temporary accommodation/B and B for months if not years. Would you want this for your grandchild with all the long term implication for health child development etc if you have space which I’m assuming the OP does as she was happy for them to move in with her before her DD got pregnant.
I know I’ve just been accused of loving my children “so much more than youuuuuu etc” but you’d have bloody callous and uncaring to let your child and grandchild live in at best highly unsuitable and worst squalor of temporary accommodation if you have space.

Funny how the ‘village’ is always comprised of women having to step up…

The village was a thing if the friends and family were housewives and had the time to devote to helping out extended family etc.

Now most women have lives of their own and have enough going on that the village concept is dying out

Even though the daughter knows she isn’t in a position to have a child right now? At what point do people take responsibility for themselves?

At this time presumably the daughter has to weigh up the kind of life she can give a kid and act accordingly

I totally agree with that...my point is that generally people should have the right to earn sufficiently well enough so that they can realistically afford to save up for a deposit or rent and pay bills and live independently to rear these children.

In an ideal world a lot of things would be different - the OP’s DD needs to decide how, if she continues with the pregnancy, she/her partner are going to live and support their child.

Literally. Someone commented saying she should go and live in a bedsit!! I never really understood why people in my generation went no contact with their parents and thought it was a bit extreme but if these are the parents they are referring to then goodness me I understand

What? A whole generation of women didn’t want to be parents and sent their children to their grandparents? I think I’m in that ‘quite old’ generation (Jones/late Boomer) and can’t remember this happening, mainly because my own now deceased parents were often enjoying their own retirement. They did help out sometimes as needed and I was grateful, but I was responsible for day to day childcare arrangements.

And I couldn’t wait to have children and was thrilled each time I was expecting.

Where are you getting this stuff from? You realise it’s actually rather unpleasant?

I agree with a lot of posters. You have a right to enjoy your life. They're choosing to bring a new life into the world and they need to provide for that life.
That said, 21 is very, very young and the first year can be really tough. I would be inclined to work out exactly what you're comfortable with and then sit DD down and set out your terms.
You might want to stick to the original 6 month plan, or you might be willing to say 1 year to give them time to save and support your DD in the first six months, but I think a lot of your flexibility will depend on how they are as a couple. Are they the sort of people to recognise your generosity and take your deadline seriously?

I really hope it all works out for you all OP xxx

Yes ‘absent parents’ because the mothers dared to start being able to have choices about their futures. They didn’t have to devote their entire existence to their children, they could show them that it’s possible to have a career and a life.

Doesn't have to be women....
I was lucky that my mum had retired by the time I had first DD and also lucky that she wanted to be part of our live. She said her happiest times were when DD was small as all other GC lived in different parts of the UK so she cherished those few short years.
But yes times have changed and family can often live far away.... but at the detriment to many mum's mental health. There isn't necessarily an easy solution to the lack of village

I’m reminded of a thread from a while back, group of childfree friends (childfree as in not having children ever), one of them got pregnant on a one night stand and decided to keep the baby, and took it completely for granted that the rest of the group would happily participate in a babysitting rota.

A bit different from saying they didn’t actually want their children as teamaven states.

Agree

Ok I admit it I care deeply about my now adult children and would cheerfully move heaven and earth if necessary to support them when they need help. If that inclination opens me up to criticism and judgement from people on here go on then it won’t change my opinion one jot it works for me.
And I am a baby boomer I got pregnant in my 30s I’m wasn’t sure it was what I wanted at the time but have not a single regret now and it was bloody hard at times but it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I now have 2 amazing DCs they bring me so much happiness and joy I have an excellent caring relationship with them. Ive proudly watched them go out into the world and be caring compassionate adults.

It’s supposed to come from W.African Igbo culture, although I suspect it’s an apocryphal Western invention.

Based on the Nigerian women I know - I can guess what their likely reaction to a knocked up DD knocking on their door is like to be. 😄

Many of them didn’t, to be fair. Whilst the tide was turning, people were starting to have children and a career, I think there was still pressure to have them.

Do stop wittering on about yourself. This thread is about the OP, she’s not over the moon, ok.

^^This.

No criticism from me. That's great for your family. I don't mean this sarcastically at all. I do a lot for my family- I don't take rent because I don't need it- that others think is foolish.

But we all get to draw our own boundaries and OP can draw hers, after a lifetime of child rearing.

Well quite clearly you didn’t if you would refuse to support them past 18.

Support doesnt mean enabling your kids to make poor, life altering decisions. My boomer mum supported me to get an education and have kids only when I could support them. Forever grateful to her.

So you’re extrapolating from one poster. OK.

How is it that they didn’t want to become parents? They were the first generation to have access to birth control pills and legalised abortion. They were the first generation who actually did get to choose when to become parents—Gen X were born to the first generation where women could choose.

This thread is fascinating. Feels like it falls into two camps:

1. people who prioritise independence, autonomy, standing on your own two feet
2. people who see family (biological or ‘found’) as a mutually dependent collective, members of whom are entitled to draw on collective resources according to need.

Both camps see their position as deeply moral, and both see it as a way of expressing love. Both find the other camp inexplicable and a bit morally gross.

I’m firmly in the second camp. I absolutely see it as my moral responsibility to help close family when they need it. I also find it joyful and fulfilling, much more so (for me) than any retirement cruise could be. Any genuinely surplus resources I have (including time and affection) would be offered to my kids/dad/in-laws/best friends if they needed them (the last have never needed it but I would offer if they did). I’m not ‘rich’, but do have a spare bedroom. The idea of turning away a pregnant daughter (or son with pregnant partner) is absolutely, genuinely astonishing to me. (Deliberately making a pregnant woman homeless is not my idea of feminism.)

I suppose the corollary of this is that I would expect them to do the same for me. When I was pregnant and had tiny kids my parents threw open their doors and wallets and prioritised me and the kids completely. Now my dad has Alzheimer’s and I’m returning the favour. I wouldn’t change a thing (other than my dad having dementia, that can get to fuck.) It’s a privilege to be able to show him the same love and care he showed me.

I reckon maybe these two types map onto two opposing sets of fundamental values, and we choose to hang out with people who share values with us, which is why this thread is such an eye-opener. I don’t think I have a single friend who wouldn’t welcome their child and their child’s partner in these circumstances. (I’m white British, if we’re doing cultural analysis.) One of my best mates has had her slightly lost adult son living with her for ten years (he’s in his 30s), and is currently also putting up her adult daughter and daughter’s BF. For her, that’s just family, and the fact I don’t raise an eyebrow about it is one of the reasons we’re friends.