Im not excited with announcement of the first grandchild

[FirstNight]

23years ago I found mumsnet and became the network I shared and found strength and support as I raised my 3 children and make 100s of Mars lemon drizzle cake 😁

Really didn't think I'd be back here so soon seeking advice.

2026 the final child is 18. The mortgage will be paid in 2mths and the silver wedding anniversary will be upon us in the autumn.

Middle child ..21 in Sept. Moved out 2 yrs ago with the boyfriend. Back in December they noted the tenancy on flat was up and won't be renewed (house being sold). In January they asked if could bunk down with us for 6mths so they could save some extra £ before moving to a new place. Yes of course we say...for a rent payment that covers utilities and food and evidence of saving.

Now today...we have an excited couple informing us they are pregnant. But no other plans than still to move in with us. Dd job is likely not to pay more than maternity allowance , the only saving grace is that career chosen is term time so in 6 yrs will work well for them. Boyfriend has just moved from salaried to self employed...so not a positive for applying for new tenancies.

I was looking forward to enjoying freedom without a small child hanging about and time to reconnect to hubby. Seems we may end up as additional hands, broken nights sleep and a kitchen and lounge full of baby related paraphernalia.

I want to be excited but all I'm thinking and remembering is those first few years with our eldest and the struggles and challenges that come with this.

TBH, much as my baby-adoring mother doted on my children when they were tiny, I think she might have given rhyme time a miss too.

But even then things can happen, that change things.
People split up, illness, job loss.

As already been said be kind and supportive to your own flesh and blood.
You might just find you cause division otherwise.

Contraception can Fail.

im well past my 50’s 🤣🤣🤣 I don’t know anything about oestrogen/caring hormone being drained away. I care deeply and passionately about my children I work in a caring profession and care deeply for those I look after. I also love the time I have to myself and my space and I’m lucky I have both in abundance and quality but I would still not hesitate to support my DC their partner and grand child in the OPs situation.

They need to move out. Simple as that.

“It takes a village” highlights the importance of community influence on child development. It does not mean the village is obliged to submit meekly to unpaid childcare foisted upon them without a choice.

Whenever an older woman draws boundaries or tries to wrest back freedom after a lifetime of childrearing, everyone- including other women- will gather to call her a dragon, cruel, uncaring... and threaten her with care homes or no contact, the ultimate punishment. It's a terribly unfeminist position for a woman's site.

This. I can totally imagine you must be feeling deflated at the idea of not getting the freedom as soon as you were hoping. It’s not ideal. Would have been nice to have a few years of ‘you’ time, to also enjoy a different phase of relationship with your children. But life doesn’t always work out as we plan and I think it would be best for your relationship with youur DD and future GC if you can think of a way to give time limited support that works ok for you and has an end date

This isn’t falling on hard times it’s choosing to have a child when you have very little room for manoeuvre, barely any financial stability and potentially imposing yourself on your parents to be a support network. If OPs DD was in her own home with a secure mortgage and her OH was in steady work then fine, but that’s not the case, OP is looking forward to an easier life not being a village chief.

How about matching them, pound for pound, with what they save for a house deposit and setting an end date for them to find somewhere to buy. (12 months)
Even a bedsit saves them paying rent.

Peak MN. I looooooooove my children so much more than youuuuuu etc

She has already said she can’t do this.

But surely you wouldn’t recommend anyone to do what you did, get pregnant while still living with your parents while in a relationship of two months, however well things happened to work out for you?

I think it's a difficult situation TBH. In a perfect world DD would have got her contraception watertight .However young women are fertile, and these things happen.I think maybe for a while they are not unreasonable to ask to stay with you. They are in a tight spot . Rents are expensive and DD wants to enjoy her pregnancy .When we have DC its tempting to think that they will be "off our hands" The reality is that life often throws a curveball when we least expect it

Nope I’m not saying that just saying what I personally would do and that I have never heard of so I genuinely don’t know about the “oestrogen/caring hormone draining away”. The majority of my friends are my age and older I don’t see them displaying and signs of it either when it comes to their loved ones.
I was brought to be kind and compassionate to people and for me this works well others may not agree and that Ive no doubt works well for then neither of us wrong we do what feels best for us as individuals.

Exactly my point....she needs a village ideally

Send a letter to council housing “kicking them out” and they should get help with council housing.

The only people I know who have been successful with getting a council house have done this (I private rent before anyone jumps on me).

I think everyone is also missing the point that her DD had already moved out and they both had jobs and wanted to buy a house, they are obviously mature enough to stand on their own two feet.

In answer to your question, I would not recommend someone to have a termination if they want to keep the baby unless they are already homeless/penniless and have nowhere to go, however they are staying at their parents house and are already getting their life on track. Their parents kicking them out because of the pregnancy would just be cruel.

I can tell a lot of people on this thread are quite old, ironically the generation that sent their children to THEIR grandparents most of the time. Ironically, it is widely known that that generation of parents never wanted to be parents and that is why they are now absent grandparents.

And just for the record, my kind mum would still welcome me, my partner and my two DDs indefinitely if we ever needed to move back.

Ah, the everpresent ageism on MN returns. Along with the generalisations. You have no idea what we did.

I wasn’t expecting you to admit it. You seem to have a very narrow idea of what constitutes “care and compassion” - which actually takes many different forms - based entirely on your own inclinations.

But it should be a human right to be allowed to have children if you so wish.....the economy depends on it.
I personally didn't have children until I could afford it and certainly don't agree with people have child after child and expecting the state to pay....that's irresponsible but it's also not right that 2 people should now be expected to work full time just to survive 🤦🏻‍♀️

It’s not ageist it’s a widely known fact. Boomers are the generation of absent grandparents, primarily because they did not want to be parents in the first place

It is not a human right to have children your mum has to house and rear! Goodness.

Probably because OP said the "very excited" couple told them about the pregnancy. It would be completely inappropriate to tell the daughter that she will have support to end the pregnancy where she is happy about it.

Widely known fact? That's conclusive then.