Im not excited with announcement of the first grandchild

[FirstNight]

23years ago I found mumsnet and became the network I shared and found strength and support as I raised my 3 children and make 100s of Mars lemon drizzle cake 😁

Really didn't think I'd be back here so soon seeking advice.

2026 the final child is 18. The mortgage will be paid in 2mths and the silver wedding anniversary will be upon us in the autumn.

Middle child ..21 in Sept. Moved out 2 yrs ago with the boyfriend. Back in December they noted the tenancy on flat was up and won't be renewed (house being sold). In January they asked if could bunk down with us for 6mths so they could save some extra £ before moving to a new place. Yes of course we say...for a rent payment that covers utilities and food and evidence of saving.

Now today...we have an excited couple informing us they are pregnant. But no other plans than still to move in with us. Dd job is likely not to pay more than maternity allowance , the only saving grace is that career chosen is term time so in 6 yrs will work well for them. Boyfriend has just moved from salaried to self employed...so not a positive for applying for new tenancies.

I was looking forward to enjoying freedom without a small child hanging about and time to reconnect to hubby. Seems we may end up as additional hands, broken nights sleep and a kitchen and lounge full of baby related paraphernalia.

I want to be excited but all I'm thinking and remembering is those first few years with our eldest and the struggles and challenges that come with this.

I agree with this too. Since having a sister who had babies when 16 and 17, I’ve drummed into my own children that this wasn’t acceptable behaviour from their aunt and that their 20s are for enjoying themselves and from 30 onwards are for having kids, when financially stable.

It’s a tough one. I have a DD who is slightly younger, and this would absolutely break my heart, as I would grieve my DD’s loss of her carefree 20s, her ability to secure housing, her lack of choice in whether to be a SAHM/work PT/work FT, and her financial insecurity in having a baby outside of the protection of marriage.

If it were my DD, I’d obviously want to support, but not become a set of backup parents/housing provider. Since you already promised the 6 months, I wouldn’t withdraw that offer, but I would be very strategic in my support after that—perhaps that DD and baby could stay if they absolutely needed to (and she’s in charge of all parenting/care/laundry/etc without adding more to your plate), but that BF needs to find his own place or move in with his own parents after the 6 months is up. My view for my own DD would be that there needs to be a fire in their belly to make it work, and by offering to support my own child only, rather than offering housing to the BF after the 6 months, he has to make it work for himself, and they need to put in their big kid pants and make it happen (and no, BF wouldn’t be allowed sleepovers, as this would allow for boundaries to creep and BF to move in by stealth). They are choosing to become parents, after all—time to act accordingly.

I’m slightly shocked by many of the responses on here. This is your daughter and your grand child we’re talking about here. I wouldn’t hesitate to let my DCs move in with me and offer support.
Anyway I think you need to sit down and have a sensible conversation with them.
Firstly do you have the space in your house for your DD her partner and a baby? If you really don’t want them and the baby living with you, you need to say so now so that they can look at other options although I’m assuming this is likely to be limited.
I think you’ll have to be quite blunt because I suspect many adult children especially if they excited about the baby will find it hard to understand why you aren’t excited and happy to help. So “Im sorry but this is not going to work for us you’ll have to leave before the baby is born end of story so we agree that will be the 23 of September unless that’s after your due date time goes quickly when you’re pregnant so you need to start now making alternative provision/plans. This may have serious implications for them, the baby and your future relationship with your DD and the grandchild but if don’t want them there you will have to take that chance.
Secondly being self employed maybe a negative or a positive depending on what he does for example and from personal experience (my ex husband) in some trades you can make significantly more money if you self employed.
Thirdly you say they are coming to live with you for 6 months to enable them to save money for a deposit is this to enable them to buy a property because surely unless your charging them a lot it or their finances are dire it can’t take them 6 months to save a deposit for rental? Will they not get their deposit back from their current rental. Are you in a financial position to reduce their contribution to help them save the money quicker?
Lastly depending on your location and availability they could to see if rent to buy is available where they live. I’m lucky enough to own my own home and had never heard of it but my DS and his girlfriend had to leave their rental property due to it being sold. Someone told him a local HA was offering rent to buy and much to my amazement within 48 hours of applying he had a brand new 2 bedroom house with rent at 20% below the market rent. They had to prove income declare any credit card debts etc and have a 2 year connection to the area neither were born there but both had jobs in the area. It’s worth investigating.
OP I’m similiar age to you work full time and although not scratching around to make ends meet am not rolling in money. I too remember struggling with 2 children my mother helped but she couldn’t drive and lived 1 1/2 hours away. Personally I wouldn’t hesitate to open up my home to one of my DCs if they were in a similiar position admittedly I have the space including extra bathrooms 🤣. But I live alone and absolutely love it and I know it would be difficult/trying at times/irritating you name it but for children and a potential grandchild I would do anything to support them.

What’s wrong with ”Congratulations! Obviously with a baby on the way you will need your own place”

The village was always built on the unpaid labour of women, and now that woman is working full time to pay the bills.
Also it is not compulsory to have children you can't pay for or house in 2026 when contraception is available.

@HoppingPavlova

In addition to the ‘don’t have a child before being in a suitable position in life’ speech, I drummed into mine, I also gave a ‘and if it does happen, under no circumstances will you be living here with a baby, and there will be no back down’ speech. I find it much better to have very clear understanding all round in these sorts of matters up front and BEFORE such an incidence should arise.

Absolutely, I did the same with mine. I drummed into them that while early babies are their prerogative they’re also 100% their responsibility - they won’t be living with us.

I think you are overthinking this. Your grandchild won't be your responsibility. Your daughter and her partner are young and have plenty of energy to do the night feeds etc. Plus the impending birth will probably focus their minds on saving to get out your house as they will want their own home. Babies don't have to cost very much if they are willing to get some of the kit second hand.

Do you really think it’s beneficial for the OPs daughter, the baby and even the OP if she insists the boyfriend the father of the child who her DD moved in with 2 years ago has to either move back in with his parents or even worse sofa surf with his mates?
I appreciate that many don’t agree with the saying “it takes a village to raise a child” but surely there has to be a limit on how callous and uncaring you can be to your own child and future grand child.
Im sure many particularly from other cultures where families step up to support without hesitation are reading this open jawed.

OP’s not been back so this guilt trippy thread about families pulling together and love being enough to somehow pay all the bills may not be very helpful to her.

No poster seems to have asked if OP’s DD really knows from talking to OP that she will have OP emotional support if she ends the pregnancy and that the OP support has to be limited if she goes ahead with it for lots of practical reasons that are nothing to do with the amount of love, like money, time, space. Wanting more for yourself when you’ve only just become adults is OK too.

In reality outside of this thread, loving someone a lot isn’t always enough to support them if you don’t also have a lot of resources. Poverty would not exist if that was true.

BF or BF’s parents can pick up his slack. He’s decided to be a father—time to man up and act like it. OP is being over generous in giving him the first 6 months as it is. He is not OP’s responsibility.

Maybe if he’s a Sofa Surfer, he’s not ready to be a parent. 🤷‍♀️

And it’s absolutely irrelevant to OP DD’s baby and the DD situation if other families would do something different. So what? They’re not a village coming over to help DD, and provide money, are they?

As far as any of us know, at least, DD’s choices haven’t had much of an airtime or discussion that we have been about. There could be a lot more going on to talk about under the surface. We don’t know.

@Fromyonfarcountryblows And we can also point to poverty coming from no family planning! We all know this and should expect a mature approach to having a family. These villages of willing helpers are not there and where is childcare coming from? Oh yes, the op! If she’s working full time, what then? It’s a recipe for disaster and women bear the brunt of it.

Have only read a few comments and quite frankly feel disgusted.

I didnt realise once your children left home or turned over 18 they were not expected to lean on you for support??

A place to live for a few months or help finding one at the very least.

The whole post screams me me me and pure selfishness... I have only just become a mother in my early 40s and have little to no support on the daily upbringing of my daughter and I even find it hard.

Not sure where the daughter said she wanted free childcare or any thing else the mother is assuming. She is only young in her early 20s so at most just needs support. Thankfully she has her partner and yes she has a stable job.

Praying for a safe pregnancy and delivery for baby and some resolution in the meantime

I would let your dd and baby stay, but not the bf. He can stay with his parents until he finds a rental for the three of them.

I am of Indian heritage, so the kind of culture where ' families step up', as I said earlier. These kinds of cultures generally frown on bringing babies into the world in these circumstances. There may be exceptions, but generally.

These days the women in our family are very highly educated and financially independent. Have babies only when they can afford and house it. Lots of help from family for education and childrearing, but not like this. I don't know anyone who is housing boyfriends who can't pay towards their babies.

If my DDs marriage or relationship broke down, I would certainly house her and baby. But not the boyfriend.

No technically hes not the OPs responsibility and ultimately neither is her adult daughter but life is not black and white. They are where they are and I don’t see splitting them up by not even allowing him to even “sleep-over” (do adults sleep over?) with his own child is of any benefit to the OPs daughter or the OP this is just spiteful and making a point for the sake of making a point. Does the OP really want to permanently damage the relationship between her Dd and future grand child because that is surely what will happen if she peruses this approach.
We’re talking about the OPs adult child and her partner who I’m assuming the OP has know for a least 2 years and likes, not some random stranger. In fact I suspect many would show more kindness to a stranger in this situation than many are suggesting she shows to her own family.

What about housing the DD and het baby while the BF stays with his parents? What's wrong with that? Unless they live in another city.

In what world is it “unkind” for a man who says that he is ready to be a father, should be expected to put a roof over his and his child’s head, especially after being generously being given a generous 6-month head start?

@Miss1983 You are very naive! She has a term time only job. Possibly a nanny or similar? She will get maternity allowance but no pay. So she’s not working for a local authority with good conditions of service but you think she can pay for a nursery? Or a child minder? Not likely is it? Of course the op will be involved.

The boyfriend does need to be encouraged to be an involved dad. Sending him away is not a great idea! Get him doing his share and he needs to bond with the baby.

Plenty of people wait until the circumstances are right!

It’s so easy to be judgemental.
Im highly educated financially independent and work full time and only have my income, if my DC were in this position I wouldn’t hesitate to help. I wouldn’t give up my job to do child care but I’d offer them a warm secure roof over both their heads and my grand child whilst encouraging and hopefully enabling them them to sort their lives out. Why because I believe that is what caring loving decent parents do. And I also know that if I fell on hard times and no one knows what’s round the corner because life often throws us a curve ball my children wouldn’t hesitate to do the same.

@Snugglemonkey Agreed. Far more than in the past but the birth rate is going down as a result. Only the better off have larger families and those who depend on the state and grandparents. Everyone else waits and pays for childcare and homes.

Do you think you may feel differently by the time you are in your fifties? I used to think this, but post menopause the oestrogen/ caring hormone has drained out of me and I want some time and space entirely to myself, before I settle in for elder care.

This is quite common, I think.

I’m coming off this thread I find it so sad that so many people are so uncaring. Luckily I don’t see this attitude from my friends colleagues or the many people I come into contact with in fact the complete opposite.

OP I’m with you on this. It’s the chaos and paraphernalia that comes with a new born, let alone the fact they’re young parents with little awareness of how massive the impact of parenting will have on their lives.

Terrible mistake to be making at their age but if it’s a learning curve they want then you need to stipulate the 6 months of the original agreement will not be extended. It’s absolutely not your responsibility to parent DD SIL and DGC by proxy should they wish to stay on longer.