AIBU to feel hurt that my in-laws want to exclude me from the celebratory promotion dinner for my husband?

[OneFirmBlueShaker]

Hi all, looking for some perspective on a situation with my husband's parents. My husband and I dated for 9 years before getting married 6 years ago - we've been together since I was 19 and he was 23, no kids. He just got a huge promotion and I'm so proud - I've been his number one support system, standing by him since we were both struggling and starting out in our careers. We had a clear agreement that I'd take on more household duties so he could focus on his career (I was working full-time too, but we decided together this was the best approach for us). I sacrificed a lot to help him get there, including date nights and time together.

His parents want to take him out for dinner to celebrate... and I'm not invited. I feel hurt and excluded, like they're overlooking my part in his success. When he said he wouldn't go without me, his mum said "A son is a son til he takes a wife" and "God forbid a son is just a son for one evening and goes to a celebratory dinner without his wife with his parents for one evening". Basically implying we're being unreasonable. My husband stood up for me, saying "Mom, Dad, it's not about me going to dinner without Kate - it's about celebrating my promotion with my partner. We're a team, and her support is what helped me get here. Excluding her feels like you're not acknowledging that."

Here's the thing - they've always included me in everything, treats us like a married unit, equal birthday gifts, Christmas, etc. I thought they saw me as a daughter. I'm hurt because it feels like they're suddenly excluding me now, when it matters most. This promotion affects our daily life as a couple, besides just my husband. I can't imagine if the roles were reversed and we'd said "FIL, we'll take you out for his birthday, but MIL, you can't come" .

What stings even more is that MIL and I are usually super close - I probably text her more than my husband does 😅. Given our relationship, you'd think she'd reach out to clear the air, especially after my husband told them how hurt I was. Feels like they're doubling down on being hurtful rather than caring about my feelings. Am I being unreasonable to expect to be included in this celebration?

I’d be petty and say “fine, you have this dinner for three together, but now I know special occasions aren’t necessarily for all four of us, we’d like to take just FIL out for Father’s Day”.

It's not as simple as that - it's the mental support.

Exactly! I expect a drip feed about mental load and life admin soon.

FWIW, I managed to progress through postgraduate medical training, working full time and having onerous on-call commitments, moving house 6 times in 7 years to do so, prepare for a consultant interview and top the panel without anyone making huge sacrifices for me.

It comes across as extremely toxic and adversarial from his mother.
Why she would want to cause such obvious drama is very strange.
Your husband has responded correctly.
Hopefully she will come to her senses but if you were my daughter I would be encouraging you to keep investing in your own career and possibly drop the rope a bit with his mom.
This drama that she feels comfortable creating at such a happy time would have me being much firmer with boundaries, particularly if you intend to have a family.

In principle I think it is ok for them to want a 1 on 1......but a big celebration dinner is definitely not the time to do it.

Why would a mother have to speak to an in law about something they want to do with their adult child? If my mother rang my husband to tell him she was planning to invite me for dinner by myself I would think she had lost her mind. A marriage certificate did not in fact make us one person.

I actually agree if this was a man posting about his wife's celebrations for her accomplishments in a professional capacity the responses would be very different.

I hope the OP has put as much focus into her own professional progression as she has her husbands.

This is what I'd be doing too. And I don't know why your MIL didn't see that this would be the outcome - that she's now alienated the DIL she had a close relationship with. Daft of her.

I love my DS's partner. They are really compatible and I am glad they are planning to marry. We get on. Sometimes we chat for a while on the family WhatsApp when no one else is around.

But sometimes I long to see DS on his own. It is not at all about not wanting his partner there, it is about wanting him all to ourselves just for a night. In a weird way, I think very strong and happy relationships like yours are more difficult to ask this of, as the adult child always comes with their partner too.

I agree on this occasion they are being foolish and thoughtless. His promotion is partly due to your support. You played a role in it and deserve to be celebrated too. But if they occasionally wanted a catch-up lunch just with him, I can promise you that is more about longing to see him undiluted than any reflection on how much they like and love and appreciate you.

Really? I think for many people the mental support of their partner definitely helps. Most people have their self doubts. Maybe you're a lucky exception.

So basically he’s not allowed to dinner with his parents who brought him into the world ? Because you picked up extra slack around the house ?

I understand why they might feel they want to celebrate with just their son. Maybe they’re thinking about all the years of his upbringing, helping him with homework, supporting him emotionally when he had exams, supporting him financially through university etc. But they are wrong to act on those feelings, at the expense of excluding you. They need to accept that although he will always be their son, you are now the most important woman in his life, you and he are a unit and you have been a vital part of his current success.

It's a real shame that they have spoiled what was a great DIL relationship, but it’s great that your husband is supporting you and telling them they are wrong. He should refuse to go without you (and frankly I can’t see the point of the celebration happening at all now, even if they gave in and invited you too; you would all know that they didn’t really want you there and the atmosphere would be awful).

But we aren’t divorced and have been together since we are very young and are each others first and only love so whats your point im saying they will always be his parents. But including me in a celebratory dinner celebrating my own husband doesn’t take away that fact.

Hmm. I can see why you're upset but I can also see that parents want to have occasional moments just with their child.

Was part of the 'deal' between you and him that you would go part-time and he would financially support you?

If so I can imagine that in a slightly fucked up but not totally irrational way, they consider that a quid pro quo, so your support didn't actually involve any real sacrifice.

I’d feel the same OP and like you I’d be backing off big time. I think your response is perfectly normal given your close relationship with her.

You want something they don't want, so you're right and they're wrong?

You're forgetting the "mental support"...

And to those saying he should get alone time with his parents I’m not arguing that fact. About 3-4 times a year he goes over to his parents’ house without me, he goes to lunch about 5-6 times a year with his mom just him and her and about once every other week or so he and his dad will grab a beer together or watch a sports game together. If they said we want to discuss a health issue or inheritance with you sure! But a celebratory dinner I’m not sure why I as his wife who was an integral part of his for many years and have been a support just as his spouse would be excluded from that

Exactly! Yup that too!

I thinks it's weird, to be honest. You're his wife ffs, whether he attributes his success to your support or not, it's just odd that they wouldn't invite you.

Imagine if you were having a celebratory dinner and only invited the MiL because she'd been the one to give birth to him. How weird would that be! Same thing.

I’d wave them off to dinner. You have a good relationship and surely don’t need the validation.

And I tend to think there are conversations that I don’t always need to be a party to.

It shouldn’t be “stuck in the middle” once you’re married your wife does come ahead of your mother. To put it bluntly yes your wife should be the main woman in your life. If you don’t choose your wife what is the point of your vows. You live with your wife, you made vows to your wife, your wife is your immediate family. Just like I’m sure my husband expects to be more important than my father and my mil would expect her husband to put her first.

I wouldn't be bothered by this, I'd just have my own celebration with DH.
I think it's a bit unfair to say that it is because of you and your sacrifice your DH has succeeded. What about the 19 years you weren't there? The sacrifice his parents made, the effort to meet his needs, promote his development and education, give him the tools needed for a strong work ethic and resilience?
It sounds like they're proud of where he had got to and want to celebrate their son. If they were inviting extended family and just excluding you I could understand you being upset, but a son and parents meal is absolutely fine.

No, in an ideal world you wouldn't be excluded but can you see how you have made his success all about you? You say he couldn't have done it f it wasn't for you etc. Can you not see that they, as his parents, will think that is a bit weird and therefore wants to make sure he gets at least one dinner where his ahievement is celebrated without having to celebrate you too? Yes, you have supported him but it doesn't sound like that has been some massive sacrifice as you are both young, working full-time and don't have kids.

I personally don’t think I’d invite my sons on a celebration dinner out without their partners. However I think the attitude shown here by the OP potentially gives a clue as to why. Unless there has been significant disruption for the OP such as being a trailing spouse, or at least moving away from her own job and family to facilitate his rising through the ranks, or keeping him while he studied, I don’t understand ‘couldn’t have done it without me’. Presumably he couldn’t have done if without his parents instilling certain values and supporting his education either, so…

My husband called his dad as well and his dad thinks it’s perfectly reasonable for me to be there but being my mil is his wife obviously as I would expect him to he is backing up his wife. He said to my husband he doesn’t know why your mother is choosing this hill to die on in excluding your wife given their close relationship and he thinks me and his mom need to talk bc my husband told him yeah well it is taking a major hit on her relationship with my wife her DIL