AIBU to feel hurt that my in-laws want to exclude me from the celebratory promotion dinner for my husband?

[OneFirmBlueShaker]

Hi all, looking for some perspective on a situation with my husband's parents. My husband and I dated for 9 years before getting married 6 years ago - we've been together since I was 19 and he was 23, no kids. He just got a huge promotion and I'm so proud - I've been his number one support system, standing by him since we were both struggling and starting out in our careers. We had a clear agreement that I'd take on more household duties so he could focus on his career (I was working full-time too, but we decided together this was the best approach for us). I sacrificed a lot to help him get there, including date nights and time together.

His parents want to take him out for dinner to celebrate... and I'm not invited. I feel hurt and excluded, like they're overlooking my part in his success. When he said he wouldn't go without me, his mum said "A son is a son til he takes a wife" and "God forbid a son is just a son for one evening and goes to a celebratory dinner without his wife with his parents for one evening". Basically implying we're being unreasonable. My husband stood up for me, saying "Mom, Dad, it's not about me going to dinner without Kate - it's about celebrating my promotion with my partner. We're a team, and her support is what helped me get here. Excluding her feels like you're not acknowledging that."

Here's the thing - they've always included me in everything, treats us like a married unit, equal birthday gifts, Christmas, etc. I thought they saw me as a daughter. I'm hurt because it feels like they're suddenly excluding me now, when it matters most. This promotion affects our daily life as a couple, besides just my husband. I can't imagine if the roles were reversed and we'd said "FIL, we'll take you out for his birthday, but MIL, you can't come" .

What stings even more is that MIL and I are usually super close - I probably text her more than my husband does 😅. Given our relationship, you'd think she'd reach out to clear the air, especially after my husband told them how hurt I was. Feels like they're doubling down on being hurtful rather than caring about my feelings. Am I being unreasonable to expect to be included in this celebration?

As I read it you and DH have been together since your late teens early 20s so yes I find PIL behavior bizarre upsetting exclusionary and truly unkind. Isn’t it assumed once a dc marries their spouse is asked to attend/ included in every life event holiday special occasion?
I included my dc boy/girl friend in their graduation celebrations holidays and a wedding. Turns out these young people will not be their spouses but I think it teaches you include others in your milestones to celebrate you and acknowledge most success is best enjoyed by sharing.

glad to hear DH can be upfront with his DP. Mother son time is a random weekday for dinner not a celebratory dinner .

I get the impression that OP thinks her DH would not have been able to get this promotion without her. That may be the case but I think it's unlikely. Maybe your MIL feels that you are making this more about you and she just wants to celebrate his achievement without you being there and claiming this as a joint success.

I think this seems possible particularly if you have never had any issues with them before.

It's not that black and white though, Sometime a parent takes priority, sometimes a friend, sometimes a spouse, sometimes a sibling. Everyone has different things going on and you have to adapt to that when it comes to all your relationships.

This was a job promotion as a kid sure but he hasn’t lived with his parents in 20 years so to be blunt yes this wasn’t a support from his parents but has a lot more to do with his wife than his parents. A high school or college graduation sure without the support of the parents but now it’s the support of the spouse

I wouldn’t talk to the mum about it - what can she say that you want to hear? You do sound very involved with them all and maybe a bit of space all round would be a good thing.

How odd of them. Really weird not to invite you in the first place, even more so to double down when your husband said he wanted you there. I mean who puts on a celebration for someone and refuses their request to include their wife?
The only possibility I can think of, is that perhaps they feel you're overstepping a little by claiming it as a joint achievement. Perhaps they think it should be solely about him.
Regardless its up to your husband to accept or decline and seems he's decided.

MIL referencing the saying that a Son’s a son until he takes a wife/a daughter is a daughter for the rest of her life, does hint - at least to my ears - that she perhaps feels a bit shut out.

Your DH’s parents have presumably also had a hand in is success, OP. You haven’t answered as to whether he spends time with them alone. Their behaviour does seem a bit unreasonable, but do they have reason to feel excluded from their Son’s life?

My point is everything in your post is whats wrong.

You have merged so much of your identity into it. Honestly its all very co dependant and unhealthy as fuck in my opinion.

You could live untill your 80 and divorce him in 10 years. Meaning you would spend 2/3rds of your life as his ex wife. Who knows.

They haven't banned you from their home for life and you both have turned this into something ridiculous.

You should be proud of your husband - he's done the right thing - standing by not just you, but himself! He wants you there! If this is an evening to celebrate him and he wants you to come along then who are they to tell him "no"?

He is a grown man and can decide who he wants to have celebrate his hard work with him.

Anyone saying that this is about "one-on-one time" between the mother, son and father fail to realise that that time can happen any time. It doesn't have to be this time, as you have rightly pointed out.

If they stick by their guns (which it sounds like they will) then it's down to your husband and how he would like to proceed. But just know that his parents are showing you who they are, so don't ignore it.

"Mom, Dad, it's not about me going to dinner without Kate - it's about celebrating my promotion with my partner.

Which of course he can do anytime.

If things are usually good I'd find that a harsh reaction from my son tbh.

They seem to have got each others backs up about it!

🤣🤣

As you've just posted, can I ask how old you are OP? It's not important, but I'm seeing different estimates and it's confusing me. Tho I understand if you'd rather not say.

I thought it was:
You: 19 when met, 9 years dating, 6 years married = c. 34
DH: 23 when met, 9 years dating, 6 years married = c. 38

I accept I may have read this wrong!

You are completely right op, as is your DH. My advice - don't talk to her about it. She will just try and guilt you into saying you won't go. Let it be her loss. She is the one being unreasonable. Your DH has drawn his line in the sand. Don't interfere with that.

I think you sound like hard work. My reaction would be “that’s weird, why am I not invited?” If the answer was they want to celebrate with him alone then fair enough.

Also, it does sound like you are trying to take credit for your husbands promotion. That’s just silly and annoying- and probably part of the reason your MIL doesn’t want you there.

But my mil and I have always been close and we text all the time I’m just shocked she didn’t discuss this with me ahead of time or didn’t think I would be hurt. I thought she genuinely loved me and saw me like a daughter

I mean I would be a bit hurt if it was a regular thing that both of them asked to see him without me but if I’m invited more often than not I would be ok with it if it was like a few times a year but if it was a regular dinner out where I’m excluded then yes I would question that

It’s probably because you’re trying to steal his success as your own, god I hate women who are all ‘well my husband earns 6 figures/is a dr’ etc, get your own 6 figures! You don’t have children together so you haven’t enabled his success at all!

She can care deeply about you and still want to take her son out for dinner and a chat. I don’t think it’s either or.

What job does he do that he would be unable to do without you @OneFirmBlueShaker ?
do his employers know how much influence you’ve had on his job?

This whole thread feels like AI slop tbh

Right!! People keep saying that he isn’t allowed to have dinner with his parents without his wife but are conveniently overlooking the part in my post where he uses his big boy words to say, “mom I want my wife invited as she was an integral part of my life for many years as my wife and without her as my number one support I might not have gotten to where I am in my career.”

Here's the thing

Why is it that I only ever see that phrase in posts I am already sensing are possibly not entirely genuine? It feels like it's one of the regularly trotted out phrases in AI generated posts.

Yes but why now why wouldn’t she want to share this pivotal moment in my husband’s life without me as his wife? You think given our close relationship she would want us all together to celebrate. I guess to me it boils down to what does his wife being there take away from the celebration? If anything more the merrier to celebrate my husband

But that does seem to be what you’re saying? He’s only seeing his mum What 8 times a year without you?
how often do you see your mum without him?

How much support does an adult without caring responsibility need? I'm sure he would have managed without you.