AIBU to feel hurt that my in-laws want to exclude me from the celebratory promotion dinner for my husband?

[OneFirmBlueShaker]

Hi all, looking for some perspective on a situation with my husband's parents. My husband and I dated for 9 years before getting married 6 years ago - we've been together since I was 19 and he was 23, no kids. He just got a huge promotion and I'm so proud - I've been his number one support system, standing by him since we were both struggling and starting out in our careers. We had a clear agreement that I'd take on more household duties so he could focus on his career (I was working full-time too, but we decided together this was the best approach for us). I sacrificed a lot to help him get there, including date nights and time together.

His parents want to take him out for dinner to celebrate... and I'm not invited. I feel hurt and excluded, like they're overlooking my part in his success. When he said he wouldn't go without me, his mum said "A son is a son til he takes a wife" and "God forbid a son is just a son for one evening and goes to a celebratory dinner without his wife with his parents for one evening". Basically implying we're being unreasonable. My husband stood up for me, saying "Mom, Dad, it's not about me going to dinner without Kate - it's about celebrating my promotion with my partner. We're a team, and her support is what helped me get here. Excluding her feels like you're not acknowledging that."

Here's the thing - they've always included me in everything, treats us like a married unit, equal birthday gifts, Christmas, etc. I thought they saw me as a daughter. I'm hurt because it feels like they're suddenly excluding me now, when it matters most. This promotion affects our daily life as a couple, besides just my husband. I can't imagine if the roles were reversed and we'd said "FIL, we'll take you out for his birthday, but MIL, you can't come" .

What stings even more is that MIL and I are usually super close - I probably text her more than my husband does 😅. Given our relationship, you'd think she'd reach out to clear the air, especially after my husband told them how hurt I was. Feels like they're doubling down on being hurtful rather than caring about my feelings. Am I being unreasonable to expect to be included in this celebration?

I wondered if it was about you not having children. It's obviously nothing to do with them and entirely your choice, but you're approx 34 and DH approx 38. Have they ever brought up or pushed about children?

Now he's achieved a huge milestone and is more stable they might be wondering if he is ever planning to have children and want to talk about it without you there.

Very bizarre.
OP's dh clearly finds it weird, too.
The only solution is for him to say something like: I'm not sure why after all these years you want to exclude Kate from something special like this, but I don't because my success is due to her support. We're a team and she sacrificed a lot to help me get here. So, let's scrap the dinner as damage is done and moving forward I hope you'll find a way to make amends to her.

Has anyone else mentioned if op was a dd who was resolute that she wasn’t able to socialise with her family without her dh being present at all times they’d be right to be concerned?

No I don't think it is madness...not for the idea so much as for the way it has been presented. I think it would have been better if the Mil had spoken to the OP about it first and explained their reasoning...having an exclusion like this come out of the blue does seem to be very hurtful. My late Mil (or my late parents) would never have done it and we would have definitely died on this hill as a couple.

This seems so mean of them, especially with the information that you're so close to mil and make such an effort with her. I'd be hurt too, and very proud to have such a fab dh who would stand in my corner and acknowledge my part in supporting him.

I completely agree with stepping back from them and leaving it all to DH. Being polite and pleasant still but nothing more than that.

Its such a weird and mean thing for them to do IMO.

whoa hang on...they want to talk to him about her bearing children??????

I said your being unreasonable but only because I think you should have your own celebration with him then he can have one with his parents. If they didnt include you in other things I would say they were an issue but they do. Maybe they just want a few hours to celebrate there sons success with him and congratulate him on his own which is fine.

I’d love to know what actual sacrifices the op made. How much extra work in the house could there be, given that there are only 2 adults who both work full time? Why would that work require huge sacrifice from the op, over and above the normal daily housework that all of us do?
Also, the way the op speaks about her husband very much smacks of the mighty man with his Big Important Job and the op bravely sacrificing her life for the Big Important Job.

Perhaps they don’t like you much? You seem quite annoying.

Also, a DD whose husband insist that he is the main reason why she has done so well in her career and that she could never have done it without him.

After OPs updates I think it's pretty clear that her H's parents wants to celebrate him alone because they don't view OP as the reason why their son has got the promotion and they want to make sure he gets the attention for this one dinner.

Can't believe so many people think this is fine. It's your husband's celebration. He wants you there. End of story. Glad your DH is a good one.

Just wondering are you ever planning on kids? Just wondering if MIL has been keeping you on side all this time to see grandchildren but has now realised non a coming.

well I know I am going to say something typically MN but could she have dementia? Its such an odd thing to say?

I've no idea. I'd sincerely hope not, but we know some parents can be very unreasonably pushy about having grandchildren. I wondered if that could be the case, but I hope it isn't. It was just a thought.

Your MIL is being ridiculous. Who was there to support your partner 24/7? Yourself. I can't believe she can think this is right from any angle!

I mean it’s a bit odd if they’ve never done it before but I don’t think it’s unreasonable for parents to want to spend time with their son to celebrate a promotion. Just because you’re married doesn’t mean you have to do everything together.

even more reason for him not to go!

But why does it 'matter the most' now? They included you in lots of things and want to take him for a meal to celebrate his personal achievement.

It's clear they don't see you as 'a daughter' but have been kind in the past? So his mother's response of '..until he takes a wife'. Sounds like sexist claptrap. I find it hard to believe it's come out of the blue.

What harm does it actually do to you for him to have this meal with his parents?

I get you not liking her response as it's shit but I don't really get you being so hurt about your non invite to this meal in the first place.

Me, too

This is a celebratory occasion where you should not only be included, but thanked for your support as well.

Imagine this will somewhat sour the relationship between you and your MIL ... and that will be down to her unless she apologises.

I think yabu. You're with him all the time, you can celebrate his promotion too it is his achievement, yes you've made it a bit easier for him but I think you're borderline abusive not encouraging his parents to have any alone time with him. If he was a woman I think the replies wpukd be very different.

This does seem weird, particularly as you’ve been such a driving force behind his career progression, and well done to you for that 👏. Your DH is obviously on your side too!
As my mum used to say….there’s nowt as queer as folk 🤷‍♀️

Fuck that . MIL is being a right cow . Son or daughter , you don't take one out to celebrate an achievement without the other . What the hell is she trying to prove .Is he an only child. Well she now knows where her son's loyalties lie - with his wife as it should be . Now you know what she thinks of you OP you can act accordingly . And if you and DH ever do decide to have children, her disrespect of you will have implications on her relationship with any grandchildren.

All this is of course providing there is some logical or reasonable explanation that is revealed. But still they could have a immediate family only meeting some other time .

Just to make clear - OP never brought up wanting or having kids or any mention of her in-laws talking about grandchildren.

I and others thought that could be a reason they wanted to talk to their son alone, but there is no evidence for it. We're all just speculating.

Like what? There are no kids in the house, just two adults in their 20ies. How much do households like that do?