AIBU to feel hurt that my in-laws want to exclude me from the celebratory promotion dinner for my husband?

[OneFirmBlueShaker]

Hi all, looking for some perspective on a situation with my husband's parents. My husband and I dated for 9 years before getting married 6 years ago - we've been together since I was 19 and he was 23, no kids. He just got a huge promotion and I'm so proud - I've been his number one support system, standing by him since we were both struggling and starting out in our careers. We had a clear agreement that I'd take on more household duties so he could focus on his career (I was working full-time too, but we decided together this was the best approach for us). I sacrificed a lot to help him get there, including date nights and time together.

His parents want to take him out for dinner to celebrate... and I'm not invited. I feel hurt and excluded, like they're overlooking my part in his success. When he said he wouldn't go without me, his mum said "A son is a son til he takes a wife" and "God forbid a son is just a son for one evening and goes to a celebratory dinner without his wife with his parents for one evening". Basically implying we're being unreasonable. My husband stood up for me, saying "Mom, Dad, it's not about me going to dinner without Kate - it's about celebrating my promotion with my partner. We're a team, and her support is what helped me get here. Excluding her feels like you're not acknowledging that."

Here's the thing - they've always included me in everything, treats us like a married unit, equal birthday gifts, Christmas, etc. I thought they saw me as a daughter. I'm hurt because it feels like they're suddenly excluding me now, when it matters most. This promotion affects our daily life as a couple, besides just my husband. I can't imagine if the roles were reversed and we'd said "FIL, we'll take you out for his birthday, but MIL, you can't come" .

What stings even more is that MIL and I are usually super close - I probably text her more than my husband does 😅. Given our relationship, you'd think she'd reach out to clear the air, especially after my husband told them how hurt I was. Feels like they're doubling down on being hurtful rather than caring about my feelings. Am I being unreasonable to expect to be included in this celebration?

I dont see this as being a good one at all.

It really is wild how different relationships are. I would find it really strange if my husband attached so much of his professional success to me and vice versa.

And the view that our families and our relationships individually with them are of equal footing because we got married.

The reality is 50% of marriages end in divorce. My mother and father will also be my parents. We may not always be each other's spouses.

Your in-laws have been extremely welcoming of you. The fact both of you feel this is a hill to die on in terms of relationship is madness.

I wonder if they want to extravagantly present money as a congratulations but want to make demands about it being just for DH?

Whatever it is, it is a lucky discovery that they don’t have the same regard for you as you do them, I would definitely adjust my effort and involvement levels.

Sorry OP 💐💐💐

🤣

I was about to say that the 'could the MIL be ND' comment hasn't popped up yet!

Why OP says she has both worked FT and taken care of the home and sacrificed time together as a couple..this is a HUGE gift to someone’s career.

I think if I were him I would say “Mum, Dad, it’s lovely you want to spend time with me on my own, and I do understand that. However, this isn’t the occasion to pick, because this is both of our achievement - we’ve done this together and it would be the wrong time
to leave my wife out of things. I’d love to go out with you just the three of us another time - my treat!”

I'm torn on this now.
Initially I thought how strange it was to exclude you. But actually I don't think it should be so extraordinary for parents to want to celebrate their adult child and spend a very rare moment just as the 3 of them. You say how close you are and that you get on well with them and they treat you as a unit. But they had 20 odd very intensive years together without you and they are proud of their son and his achievements and wanted to celebrate those with him. You're very keen to say how you've been the one supporting him and making his success possible. This is likely true, but they also likely played a big part in his most formative years that have indirectly contributed to this success.

If 99% of the time they include you and 1% they don't, I'd like to think I could be generous in my thinking about this and accept that they had a relationship before I came along and that their proud parent relationship is separate to my relationship with them.

I think maybe it is how you talk about your husband's success as your own. It's great that you have been supportive whilst he's been working, but you both work full-time and have no kids, how much time could you have possibly spent supporting him. A lot of people get promotions at work, but usually their spouses don't take the credit in this way. I think if either of my adult kids had a spouse who wanted to take equal credit for their achievement under similar circumstances I would also want to make sure that they understood it was them who achieved it, not their spouse. It would be a whole different thing if you had 3 kids and you had sacrificied your career for his, but that's not the case here.

is one strike and you’re out not as bad on your side op? They’ve done one thing and you’re giving up on a relationship with them? Hope this all gets worked out because honestly life will be very tough if you wall yourself away from your dh’s family

Ha ha - yes it would be pretty weird! You may be right about time alone though. Maybe they don't like OP as much as she thinks and they're sending a not so veiled message.

Quite frankly your mother in law is being ridiculous. She's damaged her relationship with you whatever the outcome. The idea that she would want to exclude you in these circumstances is strange and your husband did the right thing.

I wouldn’t mind this, tbh. I adore my in laws, but DH sometimes has dinner with his parents without me, and I sometimes see mine without him. If they want to celebrate something with just their son, then that’s fine by me.

I think you’re making a massive fuss for no reason. However, as you’ve used ChatGPT to write this, I appreciate that the hyperbole and overblown language might not be reflective of your actual sentiments. If you’re really just a bit miffed, then fair enough. I wouldn’t be, but you get to feel your feelings.

after reading all your updates, I agree that this is strange and I think it’s something your husband needs to address with them.
its strange as it goes against all other events whereby you are included. All significant events you are together with his and your family so neither of you knows where this has come from.
if it’s just that they’d like to spend a little more time just as their family of origin then this is fine (it’s healthy for you to spend time with extended family without others there) but I wouldn’t say start doing this for a celebratory meal which is what they have done.
it is interesting that they are blaming you whilst it is their son who spoke up. (You’ve got a keeper there!)

If it's only his parents and him I think that's fine.

It’s odd that having included you before, that this is the celebration they want to have alone with him.

I’m not sure you should read too much into this. Maybe they decided to have a meal with him, thinking it is his achievement, now they have said it, they are doubling down on the - being allowed to have a meal with their son - and lost sight of perspective.

I doubt if you asked them “has Kate has supported her DH in the journey of his career?” they’d probably agree that you have.

Can you back down? Celebrate with DH some other way? Ring in-laws and clear the air?

When your DH said he'd like you there, what was the in laws reason for not wanting you there?

This is very strange. I have always made sure my husband has alone time with his mother, but that's over a cuppa and maybe doing a few odd jobs around the home for her, never excluded from a celebratory meal. Does he have plenty of opportunity to spend time with parents alone? I notice you say you don't have children. I'm wondering if they are going to ask him about this.

It is odd that they are adamant about you not coming. Especially if your hsuabmd said he wants you there. But I dont think parents wanting to celebrate their sons promotion is a couples celebration . I don't in general see an issue with having time alone with parents without spouse. But it is weird that they'd rather not have a dinner than have you come with them.

Family are weird. My in laws did this and got all their children together, but invited none of the spouses. They've only done it once...they said they just wanted to have their family unit together like old times. Thankfully they haven't done it since, so it was just a one-off. But I'm different to you, in that I don't have a close relationship with my mil/fil.

I'm thinking they may want to ask for financial help or to say something about you being childless.

you keep saying you were the reason he was able to get promoted and you were his support system but you don’t say what you did? Surely he was the main reason he got a promotion it was mainly his hard work and doing his job well. So while I agree it’s strange for his parents to want to leave you out maybe it’s because you are coming across that the promotion was all on you and how much of amazing wife you were

strange time to have it though as its pretty much bound to cause comment if not trouble.

why? If it was me I'd want to find out what the background to this was.

I wonder if they want to give him a present, just for him.

Bloody strange behaviour, whatever the reason. Strange and short sighted!